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  • mistermuse 12:00 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Let's Do It, lust, , , , sex, , , Uncle Sam   

    THE WAGES OF SIN TAX 

    Pardon the intrusion —
    I don’t mean to pry —
    But the deficit’s soaring;
    The figures don’t lie.

    Uncle Sam’s in a pickle —
    Needs money like mad —
    So he sent me to tell you
    You must pay to be bad.

    He’s taxed income and outgo
    And capital gains;
    Now, an excise on excess
    Is all that remains.

    Uncle wants to be fair —
    No sin taxes he’ll seek
    ‘less you go making love
    More than one time a week.

    I’m installing surveillance
    To monitor your behavior.
    Lusting under covers won’t save you —
    I’ll hear your cries to the Father of your Savior.

    But please don’t take this personal —
    It’s my job to listen and view it.
    Hey, you know what they say:
    Someone’s got to do it.

    So….

     

     

     

     

     
  • mistermuse 12:05 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: funny, , , laughter, , , , , , sex   

    LET’S CALL IT A DAY 

    Half the world doesn’t see how the other half can see anything funny in what it laughs at. –Evan Esar

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    As if there isn’t enough funny business going on in the world, today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY. I don’t know who came up with this day (actually, I do…. but he’s not famous, so let’s let him rest in peace, even if he’s still with us). My point is, what is this world coming to if anyone and their Aunt Charlie can proclaim a DAY (an INTERNATIONAL day, no less) and expect it to be recognized? Well, I have half a mind to proclaim a DAY myself, which certainly makes me qualified. INTERNATIONAL HALF-WIT DAY, that’s what I’ll call it. I wonder if The Donald, if he hears of it, will deny it’s in his honor.

    Meanwhile, back at the wench, it’s time for those poems I promised last time:

    BUSYBODY BERATES BUSY BODY; BEELZEBUB BLASÉ

    “Say, have you been, sir, to Kathmandu?”
    “Nay, but I have sinned, sir, in Timbuktu.”
    “A tale of sin, sir? What did you do?”
    “Sailors would blush, sir, if I told you.”
    “My lips are hushed, sir — how ’bout a clue?”
    “Maidens of sin, sir, were none too few.”
    “May God rescind, sir, the sins you knew.”
    “I do not pray, sir, those sins to rue.”
    “Then may you pay, sir, the devil’s due!”
    “Satan would say, sir, c’est entre nous!”

    THE ORIENT EXCESS

    One fine night in old Hong Kong,
    White-skinned lady meet Mr. Wong.
    Mr. Wong say, “You fine missy.
    Let me favor you with kissy.”
    White-skinned lady say not to bother —
    Wong old enough to be her father.
    Mr. Wong say, “But I got money.”
    White-skinned lady say, “Kiss me, honey!”
    Well, one fine thing lead to another;
    Next time, Wong bring older brother.
    This time, lady draw line tight:
    “You know two Wongs don’t make a white.”

    And with that, ladies, what do you say….

     
    • America On Coffee 12:39 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Hahaha… !! So well scripted!!

      Liked by 3 people

    • Carmen 8:11 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      What a beautiful voice Marlene Dietrich had! Now I’ve got to start my day! 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      • mistermuse 9:58 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Carmen, this song was ‘made’ for Marlene. For comparison, here’s another great singer of the time singing the same song, but….

        Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 9:59 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      I’m thinking there should be a Writer’s Day. Guess what? There is. March 3. Looks like we missed it. Why didn’t anyone tell us? But next year, if I’m still around I will make a big deal about it.

      Sinning in the Far East brought this song to mind.

      Liked by 3 people

      • mistermuse 10:48 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Good selection, Don — and rather fitting that this Far East song’s lyrics were written by Tim (are you ready for this?) RICE!

        Like

    • Carmen 10:24 am on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Great old pics! I think I like MD’s better! 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      • mistermuse 12:49 pm on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Great old pics to go along with a great old song, Carmen. The more I listen to Lee Wiley’s version, the better I like it — still, M.D. and this song were made for each other. Let’s call it a way to say they are both superb!

        Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 12:35 pm on April 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t think Trump qualifies for Halfwit Day, Sr. Muse. There would have to be an International Unbelievably Slimy Scumfuck Day in order to celebrate the true nature of the man.

      Liked by 3 people

    • pjlazos 12:46 pm on May 12, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      So great!

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 3:23 pm on May 12, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you! So, instead of just “LET’S CALL IT A DAY,” let’s call it a….

        Like

    • America On Coffee 10:26 pm on May 12, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      You’re a romantic!

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:26 am on January 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Chaz Bono, gender issues, , Nero, , , sex, Sonny and Cher, transgender, transsexual,   

    THIS POST IS A DRAG 

    Having been a ‘square’ since round one of my life, I’ve never been too interested in the affairs of those of various and sundry sexual orientations. There are lots of ‘different’ people who aren’t on the same wavelength and/or don’t meet with other people’s approval, but I can’t help that — I’ve got my own problems. My mantra has been: To each his own. Live and let live. Whatever rattles your cage. Etc.

    You may think the reason I’m writing this is because I have just experienced a sudden conversion and intend to become a zealot for the causes of the transsexual, transvestite, transgendered….etc. Not so. I’m still an old-fashioned, “You go your way, I’ll go mine” kind of gay — er, guy. But issues surrounding the foregoing have come increasingly to the fore in recent years, so I’m finally taking the trouble to educate myself a bit. How much time can it take to see if you can put yourself in the other guy’s/gal’s/gay’s shoes for a moment? They may not fit, but food for thought won’t make you fat.

    http://www.medicaldaily.com/what-difference-between-transsexual-and-transgender-facebooks-new-version-its-complicated-271389

    Then there is the biblical story of the prodi-gal son (forgive me, Father, for I have punned) as a reminder that sexual duality is nothing new. It’s been around since long before Commodus was commodious and Nero fiddled around. Would they have not been tyrants if they had been straight arrows? Isn’t that like saying a magician would not be an illusionist if he had one less rabbit in his bag of tricks? (I just pulled that one out of the hat — no doubt you can come up with a better analogy.)

    And on that venture into the androgynous zone, I will close with this:

    There’s a gender in your brain and a gender in your body. For 99 percent of people, those things are in alignment. For transgender people, they’re mismatched. That’s all it is. It’s not complicated, it’s not a neurosis. It’s a mix-up. It’s a birth defect, like a cleft palate.” — Chaz Bono

    Who is Chaz Bono? Click on this 2009 video clip, then click where it says Watch on YouTube:

     

     
    • Don Frankel 12:58 pm on January 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Muse this I learned from being married to a Doctor, in medicine they study everything from hang nails to heart attacks. So somewhere are actual studies on the subject with real information not the stuff bandied about in the media. The other thing I know is everything about us is in our jeans, no wait, genes.

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 2:39 pm on January 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Don, that’s one reason why I never ‘invested’ time in forming hard and fast opinions on this subject: you don’t know who to believe (not unlike politics, come to think of it). Nonetheless, I think the Chaz Bono quote deserves to be taken seriously because it comes from a serious, intelligent person speaking from personal experience, not from someone wearing ideological jeans, or genes (notice that I liked your wordplay so much, I re-used it).

        Like

    • arekhill1 6:25 pm on January 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Live and let live indeed, Sr. Muse. Also, pee and let pee, wherever you think you should.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Don Frankel 8:07 am on January 12, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Muse I’m flattered that you re-used it. And the patient”s thoughts and perceptions are very important. We call that patient history. Ooops I’m not really a Doctor. I only play one on nyuge.com. But a whole lot of people will weigh in on this and a whole lot of other subjects without a clue. The irony of it, is all you have to do is use a search engine and you can get real knowledge. But maybe that would ruin all the fun of screaming and gnashing of teeth.

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 9:52 am on January 12, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Well said, Don.

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:00 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Diamond Lil, , Henry Fonda, , , , , sex,   

    EAST IS EAST AND WEST IS BEST? 

    Hat-check girl in Mae West’s first film: “Goodness, what beautiful diamonds.”
    Mae West: “Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.”

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    Some actors and actresses (and I don’t mean this pejoratively) basically play themselves in their films, while others are so believable and natural in varied roles and genres, they completely inhabit whatever given character they portray. An example of the latter, going back to Hollywood’s Golden Age, is Henry Fonda (if you think he played only serious parts, you haven’t seen the classic 1941 comedy, THE LADY EVE, in which he co-starred with Barbara Stanwyck — another of the most versatile players of that era).

    Mae West was of the first category, very much the Diamond Lil character she created. Today being her birthday (8/17/1893), it’s her day to sparkle:

    It has been said that “Mae West literally constituted a one-woman genre.” Basically playing herself, she was one of the country’s biggest box office draws in the 1930s, despite being almost 40 years old when offered her first movie contract (by Paramount) in 1932. Previously, she’d appeared in a number of rather risqué plays, including Diamond Lil and her first starring role on Broadway (appropriately titled Sex), which she wrote, produced and directed. As with all the plays she wrote and performed in, there was much controversy and publicity, and it was only a matter of time before Hollywood came calling.

    Her first film (see opening quote) was NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, making such an impression that co-star George Raft reportedly said, “She stole everything but the cameras.” Her next film, SHE DONE HIM WRONG (1933), featured Cary Grant in one of his first major roles, and was nominated for a Best Picture Academy Award. It was such a big moneymaker that it saved Paramount from bankruptcy in the midst of the Great Depression.

    West went on to make six more movies in the 1930s, but in 1934, the Production Code began to be strictly enforced, and censors doubled down on her double-entendres. By today’s standards, such censorship seems ludicrous, but those were moralistic times, and after her last ‘naughty’ picture for Paramount in 1937, they thought it best to terminate her contract if they knew what’s good for them. She did manage to make one more hit movie, co-starring with W. C. Fields in My Little Chickadee for Universal Pictures in 1940.

    Unbawdied and unbowed, when asked about puritanical attempts to impede her career, West wisecracked, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.” Not for nothing was one of her nicknames “The Statue of Libido.” She died in 1980 at the age of 87.

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    Coincidentally, August 17 is also the birthday of my mother, who passed away 17 years ago. Happy Birthday, Mom — YOU WERE THE BEST.

     
    • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC 12:25 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Happy Birthday to one of my favorites – and risque she was. In the elevator, a man said to her (as she was nearest the console), “Ballroom, please.” Her reply? “Oh, I didn’t know I was crowding you.”

      I’m sure your mother was a great deal more appropriate, but I’ll bet she was just as memorable. Raise a birthday toast to her for me.

      FUN post!
      xx,
      mgh
      (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
      ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
      “It takes a village to educate a world!”

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 4:50 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        That’s a great quote, Madelyn — I hadn’t heard it before…. And thank you for the “memorable” thoughts concerning my mother: much deserved by her and appreciated by me.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC 4:53 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink

          Have you heard the one about her climbing a staircase lined with young men in one of her films? She never lifted her eyes above their belts and, at one point she paused and said, “Oh, a new one!” Outrageous always.

          You are most welcome, btw, for my comment about your mother. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
          xx,
          mgh

          Liked by 1 person

    • The Muscleheaded Blog 12:42 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Outstanding tribute to Mae !

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 7:47 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Too bad she never made a movie with Groucho Marx. They wouldn’t have needed a script.

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 11:18 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        That would’ve been one hell of a movie, Don. Throw in Dorothy Parker (even though she never acted), and we wouldn’t have been able to ‘keep up’ with the double-entendres.

        Like

      • literaryeyes 9:31 pm on August 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        She wrote her own material. I bet grouch did too. Geniuses like that are rare these days.

        Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 11:44 pm on August 24, 2017 Permalink

          I can appreciate why you might think Groucho wrote his own stuff. However, having read several books on the Marx Brothers, the fact is that Groucho didn’t write the scripts for their movies; the Marx’s were so zany and hard to hold to script that their ad libs/antics usually took precedence over what was written for them (even though very good writers, such as George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind, worked on their films).

          Like

    • moorezart 8:25 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Reblogged this on From 1 Blogger 2 Another.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 11:26 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I re-thank you for another public service (or disservice, depending upon one’s point of view) on my behalf. Remind me to give you a raise if you keep this up. 😦

        Like

        • moorezart 12:07 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink

          LOL – I find what you do most engaging. I simply can’t help myself. Even as a child I couldn’t help sharing with my friends whatever treasure I had found in my Cracker Jack’s Box.

          Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 10:01 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink

          I remember Cracker Jacks well — I think they’ve been around even longer than I have, if that’s possible (not that I liked them all that much). I vaguely recall a time or two, as a boy, buying a box just for the “treasure” and throwing away the Cracker Jacks. Too bad I don’t still have the treasures — I could take them on Antiques Roadshow and find out if they’re worth thousands today. One never knows, do one?

          Like

    • Carmen 8:38 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I wonder if she was the inspiration for the, “Did you get your ears lowered?” comment. I use it regularly at school and get lots of blank stares in response – from High School folk. 🙂 Once in awhile I get, “Hey! My grandparents say that!” (which gives me pause, as you would think)

      Nice post, mister, from the East ‘girl’! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 11:31 am on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        For those who aren’t familiar — make that ACQUAINTED — with Carmen, she lives on EAST-HER ISLAND, hence the last sentence of her comment. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ricardo 12:17 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Fulsome praise for the filthy-minded, Sr. Muse. We hear it so infrequently. Muchas gracias.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Carmen 2:00 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        “Fulsome praise for the filthy-minded” – excellent – ha, ha! 🙂 (the mister is hesitant in replying; he’s having a hard time with a rejoinder, methinks)

        Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 2:24 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink

          Carmen, contrary to unpopular belief, I don’t sit in front of my computer for hours at a time (except when I fall asleep) waiting for comments to pop up that I can shoot down….though I will admit that in the hours after I post, I wish I didn’t have to get up from my chair to go to the john every 15 minutes (just kidding, of course — and now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see a man about a horse). 😦

          Like

        • Carmen 2:29 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink

          Ha, ha! Well, I’ve been making Barbie clothes for several days so every time the computer dings I welcome the interruption. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 2:32 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        No problem, Ricardo. I’d say more, but I’m having female problems (not that Carmen isn’t well worth it — haha).

        Liked by 1 person

    • restlessjo 2:38 pm on August 17, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Queen of the one-liners 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 4:42 pm on August 18, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Speaking of which, here’s one of her quotes: “I’ve no time for broads who want to rule the world alone — without men, who’d do up the zipper on the back of your dress?” 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    • literaryeyes 9:29 pm on August 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I’m a Mae West fan and have been known to binge on her movies. In one she does a naughty dance that was so naughty they filmed her from the waist up! Seriously, she was a pioneer in promoting women as sexy AND intelligent. She put gays and transvestites in her plays. She didn’t do it just to shock, she did it because she believed in respect for people no matter what their sexuality or gender orientation, and especially for women.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 4:56 pm on August 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Although I own a number of biographies/autobiographies of Hollywood Golden Age movie stars, I’ve never read one by or about Mae West, so I didn’t know some of what you describe. Thanks for the info.

      Like

    • Mél@nie 3:43 pm on August 28, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Salvador Dali was also fascinated by her… she was a FREE woman – une avant-gardiste!!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 5:02 pm on August 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Indeed! Mae was both a woman of her time (1920s-early 1930s) and too much woman for highly puritanical times (from 1934 on, when rigid censorship curtailed, and subsequently ended, her freedom to make the movies she wanted to make).

        Like

    • scifihammy 3:02 pm on August 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Mae West was an amazing woman! As I’m sure was your Mother too. Always nice to remember our loved ones on special days.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 5:09 pm on August 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you. Personality-wise, my mother was as much the opposite of Mae as East is from West, but as they say, variety is the spice of life. Life would be very dull if everyone were the same!

        Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:02 am on May 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , Narcissus, , , sex   

    RHYMES AT RANDOM 

    In a comment to my last post (CERF’S UP), I raised the possibility of re-publishing several of my poetic baubles from THE RANDOM HOUSE TREASURY OF LIGHT VERSE. Generous soul that I am, suppose I add a bonus of bangles and beads to the baubles….for man does not live by words alone, but with the inspiration of Blyth spirit beautifully begetting beguiling music, without which our Kismet (fate) would be drab indeed:

    Yes, my friends, I have rhymes — or, conversely, should I say….

    And now, having strung my lead-in out this far / I wish upon a wishing star / to make appear my Random rhymes / from the pages of bygone times. / These rhymes abode in poems four / nothing less and nothing more / but not having used up all my string / I’ll save one of the poems for my next post-ing:

    LOVER BOY

    Narcissus was too perfect for sex or pelf —
    He longed only to gaze in love at himself….
    The moral of which is that, even in myths,
    Too much reflection may be your nemesis.

    THE BOOK OF WISDOM

    Thou shalt not commit adultery;
    Nor shalt thou covet thy neighbor’s spouse.
    Shouldst thou succumbeth to temptation,
    Thou shalt not do it in thy neighbor’s house.

    CONCEIVABLY, THE COMPLEAT HISTORY OF HUMAN SEX

    Adam and Eve,
    I believe,
    Were the start of it.

    Everyone since,
    I’m convinced,
    Played a part in it.

    NOTE: Ann Blyth, who played Marsinah (daughter of The Poet, played by Howard Keel) in the film version of Kismet, is one of the last surviving stars of Hollywood’s Golden Age.

     

     

     
    • calmkate 1:14 am on May 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      nice poetry, thanks 🙂
      the shortest poem I know
      FLEAS
      Adam had ’em

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 7:02 am on May 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Adam must have been quite the dog
      For fleas to go for him whole hog.
      😦

      Like

    • linnetmoss 7:16 am on May 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Haha! I had to look up “pelf” to see if it meant what I thought 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 8:01 am on May 30, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I came across the word many years ago, but I don’t remember where — probably in something written by someone like Noel Coward. For the benefit of those who don’t know Coward, he was a sophisticated English playwright and composer, and “pelf” means money or riches.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Ricardo 2:08 am on May 31, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Was trying to figure out which of my childhood cartoon characters was fond of saying “Gadzooks,” so I Googled it and came upon its etymology instead: “Dictionary references date gadzooks as far back as the late 1600s as a shortening of “by God’s hooks,” a reference to the nails on Christ’s cross.”

      Suffering succotash, as Sylvester the cat, one of my ‘gadzooks’ suspects, was also prone to saying.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 11:42 am on May 31, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I seen to recall a long-ago cartoon character saying “Gadzooks” too, Ricardo, but I had no better luck than you with a quick Google search. If any bounders or blighters out there remember who it was, please speak up or forever hold your Gadzooks.

        Like

    • RMW 2:54 pm on May 31, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Now I have to dust off my Kismet DVD from the back of the cabinet and pop it in my machine. I’ve been revisiting my musicals collection recently… that one will be next.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 4:49 pm on May 31, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I selected the two KISMET songs for this post based on how well they suited my purposes. I think the best songs in the show (or at least the ones I like best) are NOT SINCE NINEVEH, NIGHT OF MY NIGHTS, and THE OLIVE TREE. The only one that became a big hit was STRANGER IN PARADISE.

        Enjoy your DVD!

        Like

        • RMW 12:28 pm on June 7, 2017 Permalink

          Night of my Nights.. as sung by Richard Kiley, not the Damone movie version!

          Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 5:12 pm on June 7, 2017 Permalink

          You apparently have the original Broadway cast (including Kiley) on your DVD — I have the same on an LP album. Both Kiley and Damone sing the song well, but Kiley was also a distinguished actor, whereas Damone was strictly a pop singer whose acting left something to be desired, in my opinion.

          Liked by 1 person

    • intrepid8 11:21 pm on June 1, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      You like Poetry. Have you ever read Pablo Neruda’s by any chance?

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 7:10 am on June 2, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I have come across a poem or two of Neruda’s, but have not specifically sought his work out because my talent and tastes lead me in the direction of humorous and light verse, such as that of Edward Lear, Ogden Nash, Lewis Carroll and, of course, that “greatest of all humorists, Anonymous.” That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate serious poetry if it’s right down my alley, but my alley is relatively confined.

        Thank you for your comment.

        Like

    • Don Frankel 2:19 pm on June 3, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Muse I was thinking this music is really beautiful. Like some wonderful fate, like kismet. Then I realized it is Kismet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 2:46 pm on June 3, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Kismet has a storied history, Don. It was first produced on stage in New York in 1911 and on film in 1930 and again in 1942 starring Ronald Colman and Marlene Dietrich. The 1950s Broadway and Hollywood versions (starring Alfred Drake and Howard Keel, respectively) contain one of my all-time favorite musical scores.

        Like

  • mistermuse 12:02 am on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Barbara Tuchman, Bermuda Triangle, , , , , , Scrabble, sex, The Guns of August,   

    THE PUNS OF AUGUST 

    Disaster is rarely as pervasive as it seems from recorded accounts. After absorbing the news of today, one expects to find a world consisting entirely of strikes, crimes, power failures, stalled trains, shutdowns, muggers, drug addicts, neo-Nazis, and rapists. The fact is that one can come home in the evening –on a lucky day– without having encountered more than one or two of these phenomena.
    Barbara Tuchman, author of The Guns of August (1962 Pulitzer Prize winner)
    ………………..     ………………..     ………………..     ………………..     ………………..     ………………..

    I chose the above tongue-in-cheek quote to serve as the introduction to this pun-in-cheek post because….well, because the post’s title had come to me as wordplay based on the title of Tuchman’s book, and I thought the quote would connect the dots….

    Now that the dots are taken care of, let us turn to the pun, which, it’s alleged, is mightier than the sword….as long as you don’t get the point. Hahahahaha. The pun has been defined as a short quip followed by a long groan (which is punderstandable if you get the point, assuming it has a point, which would seem to be the point, otherwise what is the point?). It’s all very punfusing.

    But enough about whatever that was about. Here are more killer puns (not mine, you’ll be pleased to know) for your edification. If you don’t suffer from edification, take them for anything that ails you.They’re guaranteed to cure every ill known to man. If you’re a woman, take them anyway, just in case you come in contact with man. Why take chances?

    What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

    Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

    What do the Bermuda Triangle and sexy women have in common? They both swallow a lot of seamen.

    I told some jokes about the unemployed, but none of them worked.

    Thank God for nipples. Without them, boobs would be pointless. 

    I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

    Vagina jokes aren’t funny. Period.

    Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, towels and deodorant. Dirty bastards.

    I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked!

    People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

    I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory, when all I did was take a day off.

    Speaking of taking a day off, I’m off for the next five days. I leave you with this disclaimer: I assume you are a groan-up and therefore I am NOT RESPUNSIBLE for any side effects, sound effects, after effects or any other effects resulting from reading this post, with the exception of an irresistible urge to send me money (diamonds and gold also accepted).

     

     

     

     

     

     

     
    • Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?) 4:01 am on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Those were good for a rather painful giggle! 😘 💖

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 6:15 am on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Well, I appreciate your reaction. It beats that of the reaction to the person who invented Zero: “Thanks for nothing!” 😦 🙂

      Like

    • arekhill1 9:33 am on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Well, I hope your next crap spells quotidian, Sr. Muse. It would be less painful and get you more points.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:44 am on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Fortunately I was quoting someone else’s pun, but if I ever swallow any Scrabble tiles, I’ll shit – I mean shoot – for something even less painful, but still points-rich….like maybe letters that spell L-A-X-I-T-I-V-E.

      Liked by 1 person

    • BroadBlogs 4:54 pm on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Funny!

      Like

    • mistermuse 9:14 pm on August 25, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Who am I to disagree with so brilliantly perceptive an evaluation (I’d say more, but I’ve already had a few drinks too many).

      Like

    • Mél@nie 8:39 am on August 26, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      EXCELLENT puns, mille merci, Monsieur Muse! 🙂

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:46 am on August 26, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      It seems we both agree with Oscar Levant: “A pun is the lowest form of humor….when you don’t think of it first.” 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Mél@nie 12:17 pm on August 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        yep… 🙂 I learn lots of interesting “stuff” from your posts, Sir… I’m serious, grateful and thankful!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Bette A. Stevens 8:36 pm on August 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Well done! 🙂

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:50 pm on August 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I tried to make it medium rare, but I guess I overdid it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 3:19 am on August 31, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      That which we call a pun by any other name would still be funny.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 6:56 am on August 31, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      We could call a pun a-muse-thing. I don’t know if it would still be funny, but I’m for anything that might make people think of mistermuse (well, ALMOST anything).

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 8:24 am on September 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I just realized that some may consider one of my post’s puns: Bermuda Triangle/sexy women both swallow a lot of seamen, tasteless. Sorry about that.

      Liked by 1 person

    • barkinginthedark 5:41 pm on August 10, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      ba-da-bomp.

      Like

      • mistermuse 8:55 pm on August 10, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Having already said “Sorry about that,” and since those “killer puns” weren’t mine to begin with, I don’t know that further pun-ishment is warranted (though I could probably come up with even ba-da-bumpier ones, if I put what’s left of my mind to it).

        Liked by 1 person

    • Invisibly Me 8:07 am on August 1, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      These made me chuckle!!

      Liked by 1 person

    • JosieHolford 7:52 pm on August 1, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Enjoin your thyme aweigh.
      And – always good to be reminded of one of the great books of all time.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mlrover 8:44 am on August 8, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      This is a hoot! Thanks. Needed a laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:25 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: angst, , , , Kermit the Frog, Lazy Afternoon, , libido, , , sex,   

    LAZY DAY 

    This post marks the second mile, as the frog jumps (or as the crow flies, if you’re a traditionalist), on my post-every-five-days trial run, and already the timetable is beginning to seem unnatural and formulaic — not unlike having sex on a rigid schedule, instead of spontaneously (although there is something to be said for libidinal regularity, if you can keep it up).

    At any rate, a palpable angst is creeping over me, as if I’m a character in a Woody Allen film, torn between conflicted and competing neuroses. Not exactly the optimum scenario for a writer of my non compos mentis….or for a Casanova wannabe, for that matter.

    Be that as it may or may not be, now is not the time to dwell on second thoughts, ere this noble experiment hath run its allotted August course. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their…. Oops! Wrong speech!

    Anyway, as you’ll recall from my August 5 post, August 10 is LAZY DAY, so my duty today is clear: punt, get out of the way, and let Lazy have its day….and then some:

    P.S. Although Kermit the Frog said time’s fun when you’re having flies, he probably never had to eat crow flies….and he’s too slow to catch horseflies.

     
    • scifihammy 1:20 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Nice music clips 🙂 I hope you enjoy your lazy day 🙂

      Like

      • mistermuse 3:27 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        If I weren’t so lazy today, I could’ve posted at least 3 more such clips: LAZYBONES, LAZY MOOD and LAZY RIVER – all “oldies but goodies” (just like me – ha ha).

        Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 1:20 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Well, I had planned to do as little as possible today, but that little is turning out to be a lot, so I don’t know if your post has its usual comforting qualities for me, Sr. Muse. I would make a resolution to be less productive in the future, except that also seems like taking on another obligation.

      Like

    • mistermuse 3:32 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Sounds like the old Catch 22, Ricardo. Good luck.

      Like

    • Michaeline Montezinos 3:54 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Very clever post worthy of reading, mistermuse, Loved the music, too.

      Like

    • mistermuse 4:25 pm on August 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I know you’re a big Barbra Streisand fan, Michaeline, so when I came across her LAZY AFTERNOON clip, I thought, “This Barb’s for you!”

      Like

    • Don Frankel 7:02 am on August 11, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Perfectly timed Muse and since it is still Summer let’s

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:46 am on August 11, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Watched the clip on YouTube, Don, and I remember the song well. It’s a rather lightweight tune, but perfect for the season….and Nat King Cole is always a pleasure to listen to.

      Like

    • BroadBlogs 2:15 pm on August 11, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I wish I’d been more lazy on lazy day. It’ll be interesting to see how your new schedule goes.

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:01 pm on August 11, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks. I’m already beginning to give some thought as to whether I want to continue the schedule beyond August.

      Like

    • sonniq 10:36 am on August 13, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Great selection of tunes! Spanky takes me back to puberty. I know it’s hard to write on a schedule for me. Inspiration isn’t usually that clockwork and life gets in the way! Good luck to you!

      Like

    • mistermuse 1:45 pm on August 13, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m finding that a schedule isn’t an inspiration-blocker for me, though it probably would be if I waited until the last minute to come up with an idea of what I wanted to write about. I start thinking about the next post a few days in advance and write a rough draft ahead of time, so I can polish it at my leisure.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Like

  • mistermuse 1:21 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , astrology, , certainty, Chicago Cubs, , , divine intervention, , Elvis, fortune cookies, Fox News, , indoctrination, liberalism, New York Jets, omnipotence, omniscience, Playboy, Playgirl, radical right, , , sex, spam   

    GOD’S QUESTIONNAIRE REVISITED – THE END IS NEAR 

    From 1977 to 1984, God, in the guise of George Burns, starred as Himself in three OH GOD! movies, the last two of which (by earthly standards) stank to high heaven — indicating that even God can overdo a god thing. With Car Talk’s Nine-Question God Questionnaire, I have a good script to work with, but at the rate of one question per post, it would take six more sequels after this one to finish the job. From both an overkill and a don’t try to out-do the Deity standpoint, it doesn’t seem prudent to do more than three posts….especially if the Trinity Pak turns out to be the One True God. Consolidation is in order, or I be in trouble.

    Question #3 asked, Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and no missing attributes, and if not, what was the problem? Choices included:

    __Not omniscient
    __Not omnipotent
    __Permits sex outside of marriage
    __Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    __Requires virgin sacrifices
    __Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera & Jesse Helms given as examples)
    __Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    __When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
    __Plays dice with the universe

    Other than updating early 1990s’ mistake examples (to Rush Limbaugh & Ann Coulter, for example), no quibbles here.

    Question #4 dealt with relevant factors in your decision to acquire a Deity, such as

    __Hate to think for myself
    __Need to feel morally superior
    __Indoctrinated by parents/society.
    __Needed focus on whom to despise.
    __Graduated from the tooth fairy.
    __Wanted to meet girls/boys
    __Like organ music
    __Desperate need for certainty

    No updating necessary.

    Question #5 wondered which false gods were you fooled by in the past:

    __Mick Jagger
    __The almighty dollar
    __Left-wing liberalism
    __The radical right
    __Beelzebub
    __Barney the Dinosaur
    __Elvis
    __The Great Pumpkin

    Update false gods to include Fox News, Chicago Cubs, New York Jets ( to Don) & SWI (to mistermuse)

    Question #6: Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

    __Astrology
    __Fortune cookies
    __Playboy and/or Playgirl
    __Self-help books
    __Sex
    __Drugs, alcohol
    __Bill Clinton
    __Tea leaves
    __Human sacrifice
    __Ann Landers

    Now that you’ve got the idea, you can do your own #6 updating.

    Question #7: Divine intervention-wise, would you prefer:

    __More
    __Less
    __Current level just right
    __Don’t know … what’s divine intervention?

    Just for the hell of it, I’d add __A helluva lot better choices

    Question #8 wants you to rate God’s handling of disasters (such as plague, pestilence and spam) and miracles (such as rescues, spontaneous remissions, crying statues and walking on water).

    Who are we to judge?

    Question #9: Last but not deist, Do you have any suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

    Deists don’t believe this is a relevant question. Unluckily, it would appear that
    God has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten we exist. –Jane Wagner

     

     

     

     
    • Don Frankel 4:24 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      3) Permits sex before during and after marriage. I’ve read the Gospels a few times and I can’t find the place where Jesus tells people not to have sex. I’m not a Biblical Scholar but I just can’t find it. If anyone knows where it is like John 3:16, let me know.
      4) Wanted to meet girls. The number of women who believe far outnumber the ones that don’t. The ones that don’t believe also don’t have any sin references. What would the fun in that be?
      5) I never worshipped the Jets. I believed in the God of baseball but then I still do. God is a big right hander with the number 1 fastball. But I’m not too worried as nobody can throw the fastball by me.
      6) Sex
      7) Current level just about right.
      8) He’s doing okay. I mean you have to have a few here and there. He’s doing pretty good keeping everyone guessing where, when and why?
      9) A little less snow in NYC

      Like

    • mistermuse 7:48 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry about my Jets “fumble,” Don – I guess I just assumed from all your raps on Rex Ryan that he was wrecking your beloved (if not adored) Jets. I’ll try to make up for the error by not telling God you think He can’t throw a fastball by you.

      Like

      • Don Frankel 4:27 am on April 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Too late Muse, He knows.

        Like

  • mistermuse 12:01 am on March 1, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: adulterers, dirty jokes, English from Latin, , , raunchy jokes, sex,   

    MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RAUNCH…. 

    As a pubic service, I’ve been gathering up dirty jokes to celebrate Earth Day on April 22, but with winter apparently determined to go on and on, March will probably linger as long as December, January, February and the last Ice Age. And who’s to say that the first twenty-one days of April will go any faster? No, my fellow Cold Wearyers, the time has come to bust out of Mother Nature’s freezer and thaw out our frozen libidos with some hot humor, which, as you may know, is Latin for humor. Funny how the English left a perfectly good word unchanged for a change — they’ve screwed around with so many, if you’ll pardon my French.

    Just a reminder that what follows is rated “R” for Raunchy, so if you are under 21, you must be accompanied by an adulterer before proceeding. In the event that an adulterer is unavailable, a prostitute will do the job, but please keep your whore stories to yourself.

    What do you call a 13 year old Kentucky girl who can run faster than her brothers?
    A virgin.

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    Hey that’s cute, but can you breathe through it?

    An envious gal tells her new, more beautiful girlfriend, “I’ve slept with a Brazilian.”
    Friend: “What are you, a slut? How many is a brazilian?”

    What’s the best thing about dating homeless women?
    You can drop them off anywhere.

    “Do you want a bag?” the cashier asks the guy buying condoms.
    “No. She’s not that ugly.”

    What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A rip-off.

    How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    It’s not hard.

    Why do they call it the Wonder bra?
    When you take it off, you wonder where her boobs went.

    What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down. Try using a lubricant.

    What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    Wiped his rear end.

    What do you call a bunny with a bent penis?
    Fucks Funny.

    That’s all, folks!

     
  • mistermuse 7:30 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Latin lovers, , pickup lines, , Rudolph Valentino, sex   

    FOR DON, THE LATIN LOVER 

    My good buddy, New Yorker Don Frankel, stated today that he’s into Latin mottos lately (see comments to yesterday’s It’s Girl Scout Cookie Time post under Speak Without Interruption, which you can access and click via the Blogroll in the right column).

    Don doesn’t say exactly why the sudden interest in Lingua Latina. Perhaps this beautiful weather we’ve been having lately has him thinking thoughts of spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to amare, and an old man wishes he were young again (not that Don is old, but why wait until the last minute). The time to start practicing those Latin pickup lines is now, because you never know when you might run into a fellow lover of Latin in Manhattan who’s not a fellow.

    So, here we go, Don. Start memorizing these now, and before you know it, the feminas will be flocking around you like a reincarnated Rudolpho Valentino:

    Nonne alicubi prius convenimus?
    Haven’t we met somewhere before?

    Apparet te habere ingenium profundum.
    You strike me as a very deep person.

    Credo fatum nos coegisse.
    I think fate brought us together.

    Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
    You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

    Apudne te vel me?
    Your place or mine?

    O Deus! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui!
    Oh God! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh!

    Non sum paratus me committere.
    I’m not ready to make a committment.

    Spero nos familiares mansuros.
    I hope we’ll still be friends.

    Likewise.

     
    • arekhill1 7:34 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Google Translate–Making everybody sound erudite. It’s a good thing.

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:34 pm on February 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Apropos good things, here’s an appropriate theme song to help get Don in the spirit:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jtyty4HRrHI

      Like

    • Don Frankel 9:11 am on February 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Thank you Muse. It is great to be the subject of a mistermuse article and better still now I know what to say. Now it has been awhile and people not just you but others I know, seem to have forgotten. Just last week someone asked me. “Do you want to meet someone?” :”Of course.” I replied. “Riahnna. Do you know her?”

      I will use Credo fatum no coegisee, at the appropriate time. The motto I was looking for was ‘Write and find your audience’. The computer told me it was ‘Et scriba, et aures vestrae’. Someone else told me that that wasn’t grammatically correct but gave a big long sentence. Mottos have to be short like Semper Fidelis and Sic sempter tyrannis. They also gave me Pro buono publico which I might start putting at the end of my articles. I mean i was a Civil Servant for 25 years why abandon the dream.

      I loved the song too.

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:30 am on February 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Coincidentally, the lyricist (Al Dubin) of that song died on a February 11th, the same day I wrote this post. Although little remembered today, Dubin was one of the greatest and most prolific lyricists in the history of American popular music. His songs include Shuffle Off To Buffalo, You’re Getting To Be A Habit With Me, I Only Have Eyes For You, Lullaby Of Broadway, September In The Rain and hundreds more.

      Like

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