B C-ING YOU (NO B S)

What do Bonnie and Clyde do?

What do mistermuse do?

He posits posts you can bank on for interest, though short term in sum cases (sumtimes as little as two seconds). If you’re thinking in terms of interest that goes on and on, read The Bard or The Donald (depending on whether you’re more attuned to Bill Shakespeare or Bull Shit).

For this particular caper, we stick up — I mean pick up — from the initial A, where our girl’s-name songs left off….this time killing two letters (B and C) with one post. For our B song, off to BONNIE SCOTLAND we go:

As long as we B in Scotland, we might as well C in Scotland:

OK, so CLYDE isn’t a girl’s name — not a minor detail, I confess. I am thus forced to acknowledge that selecting the ideal song isn’t as simple as A-B-C — our girl C will have to wait until my next post after all. I Be C-ing you then (Lord willing and the river don’t rise).

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TOP TEN BOTTOM FEEDERS

In the time-honored tradition of year-end Top Ten lists, for this year-end post I was considering making a list (and checking it twice) of 2016’s top despots: bottom-of-the-barrel leaders who excel at such admirable attributes as indiscriminate bombing of combatants and innocents alike, massive corruption, repression, and just being all-around model role models. We’re talking strong(man) leaders like North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, or even The Donald’s favorite ruffian, Russian Vladimir Putin.

But I saw there are already a number of such lists on the Internet, naming the same usual suspects….so, knowing of no under-the-radar tyrants to set my compendium apart from existing lists, I realized I’d better take a different tack and come up with something better.

Instead of “Top Ten Bottom Feeders,” how about a BOTTOM TEN TOP FEEDERS list? On second thought, I’m not even sure that makes sense, but in any case, it’s highly ten-uous, and definitely for the birds. Perhaps a TOP TEN FRANZ  Liszt? His Hungarian Rhapsodies were a hit; unfortunately, they’re strictly from Hungary, and did any of his other works make it into the Top 10? I seriously doubt it.

I suppose I could go back to a variation of my original plan with a list of literal TOP TEN BOTTOM FEEDERS, such as catfish and crabs, but who wants to read about meowing fish and grumpy crustaceans? How low can you get?

My fellow Americans, there comes a TIME in every man’s life. The least I can do on the brink of the New Year is save you the trouble of making resolutions you can’t keep, so I yield to my own list-untenability and offer TIME MAGAZINE’s list of “Top 10 Commonly Broken New Year’s Resolutions”:

Lose Weight and Get Fit

Quit Smoking

Learn Something New

Eat Healthier and Diet

Get Out of Debt and Save Money

Spend More Time with Family

Travel to New Places

Be Less Stressed

Volunteer

Drink Less

I’LL DRINK TO THAT!

BOOS IN THE NIGHT

To protect ourselves from hordes of trick-threatening little monsters demanding treats at mister & missus muse’s doorway tomorrow night, I’m considering leaving the lights off as darkness descends on our humble abode….sort of the ‘discretion-is-the-better-part-of-valor’ equivalent of playing dead if real life (threatening) monsters were to besiege us.

But I fear that the more worldly-wise of those juvenile mendicants will see through my hoary Halloween subterfuge — especially if they shine a flashlight through our garage window, see cobwebs stretching from my wife’s 1929 Duesenberg Model J Sports Sedan to my 1919 Locomobile Model 48 Town Car, and (putting two and to together) realize we senior citizens haven’t gone out in ages. We are home.

So I put my thinking cap-tion on to come up with the title of this post and a plan that, while it may not fool the little devils into passing us by, should absolutely scare the bejesus out of them when they approach: a bigger than life-size cutout (revealed by motion-activated overhead light) of — who else — DONALD TRUMP on the stump and rigged with appropriate sound effects (such as “Get ’em outta here!“). If that doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what wood. Here’s a sneak preview — BOO!

waynes-pic

Now, you might think: Surely some of those pre-pubescent scavengers are little Republicans who adore The Donald and will think his visage is such a treat that they will knock on my door just to thank me, and not even ask for goodies. To you I say airily:

As for those Donald-adorers and their thanks, I will say: You’re NOT welcome. Next Halloween, the specter of that mean-spirited blowhard will be replaced by a cutout of President (if she doesn’t blow it) Hillary warning you bad little beggars to get the GOP-hell outta here and never darken my door again. But as long as you’re here now, you might as well leave a donation to The Clinton Foundation — if you know what’s good for you.

IN NO MOOD TO KNOW NEWS

Tomorrow, Sept. 11, is NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS DAY, which celebrates a truism that isn’t necessarily true….but, if we apply it to covering this Presidential campaign season in America, no news would be good news every day until election day: No more being subjected to The Donald’s incessant Barnum-esque babblings, or to Hillary trying to overcome being Hillary. No more spin from their political shills on cable TV. No more polls. No more any of it. Let’s just vote and get it over with. I’m ready. I’ve been ready.

Now that that’s settled, I am going to start the celebration a day early by not mentioning either candidate for the remainder of this post. Furthermore, I’m not going to subject you to my babblings for the rest of this post; instead, while I’m off celebrating, I’ll let what others have said on the subject of news take it from here. Is that good news, or what?

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today [while in session] after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. –Ronnie Barker

It’s not a 24 hour news cycle, it’s a 60 second news cycle now, it’s instantaneous. It has never been easier to get away with telling lies. It has never been easier to get away with the glib one-liner. –Malcolm Turnbull

We all want to get the news objectively, impartially, and from our own point of view. –Bill Vaughan

Public opinion is the God of democracy, and the journalist is his prophet. –Evan Esar

We are in the same tent as the clowns and the freaks — that’s show business. –Edward R. Murrow (broadcast journalist)

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. –Jerry Seinfeld

The American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator. –John Oliver

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true. –Katherine Hepburn

Some people commit a crime for no other reason than to see their name in print. –Gustave Flaubert

Live long enough and nothing is news. ‘The News’ is ‘the new thing.’  That’s fine, until a hundred years go by and you realize there are no new things, only deep structures and cycles that repeat themselves through different period details. –Glen Duncan

 

 

 

PROMISES PROMISES

If you’re like me, you’ve about had your fill of Donald Trump, so I promise this will be my last post to mention his name (until next time)….and this post will do so only to bring us to the title subject. For as much as Pied Piper Trump has lured his infatuated followers with the siren song of an outsider/non-politician, he has one thing in common with typical politicians: they promise what they (should) well know they can’t deliver….but The Donald does it as shamelessly as, and more brazenly than, “real” politicians.

Idealistic politicians like 2008 Obama made unkeepable promises, but I think more out of näiveté than hubris or delusions of self-grandeur; he overestimated his powers of persuasion and underestimated the GOP’s resolve to repel him at every turn. Would the 2016 Obama make the same promises, knowing what he knows now, if he could do 2008 over again? Who knows? This post doesn’t promise answers, it promises promises.

One hardly knows where to begin when it comes to wading through the swamp of unbelievable promises made by politicians over the past millendium, so here’s someone else’s compendium, which I recommendium by extending ’em here:

http://www.viralnova.com/insane-political-promises/

For the geographically-challenged, if you didn’t “get” promise #12, Libya is IN Africa. As for me, having more or less winged my way to getting to this point in my post, I at least know how I’m going to bring it to a merciful end: with these promisory quotes….

Hypocrisy can afford to be magnificent in its promises, for never intending to go beyond promise, it costs nothing. –Edmund Burke

It makes my heart sick when I remember all the good words and broken promises. –Chief Joseph

They made us many promises, more than I can remember, but they never kept but one; they promised to take our land, and they took it. –Red Cloud

What’s important is promising something to the people, not actually keeping those promises. The people have always lived on hope alone. –Hermann Broch

It’s easy enough to get into power. You can make promises and try to be all things to all people. But the moment you have to make decisions, you’re going to annoy at least half of them. Whatever you do, in the end you’re almost certain to be brought down by your own character traits. –Robert Harris 

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing. –Bernard Baruch

Or you can heed this bumper sticker: DON’T THINK – VOTE TRUMP

 

 

MISTER MUSE AND MISS QUOTES

I have made it a rule that whenever I say something stupid, I immediately attribute it to Dr. Johnson, Marcus Aurelius or Dorothy Parker. –George Mikes, British author

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Fellow and female Americans: In case you’re not old enough — as I am — to remember the Father of our Country, George Birthington’s washday was February 22nd. OK, I admit that after all these years, I may have a hard time recalling names and certain words correctly, but what does it matter? As Christopher Shakespeare (or was it William Marlowe) famously wrote, a ruse by any other name would smell anyway.

Anyway, my point is that quotes may frequently get mis-attributed, but Miss Attributed couldn’t care less, so why should we? Well, I’ll tell you why — because we’re righters, that’s why, and we righters deserve credit where credit is dubious. Therefore, with the aid of my busty — I mean, trusty — aide, Miss Quotes, the objective here was to do an extensive investigation into the subjective and dig up our quota of misquotes (our quota being whenever we decided to quit) . You are now about to be the beneficiary of our research, which we bent over backwards to have ready for this post (just to make it a bit more fun, I’ll throw in a few correctly-attributed quotes; can you pick them out of the pack?):

1. “I cannot tell a lie.” –George Washington
2. “Give me liberty, or give me death.”  –Patrick Henry  
3. “The British are brave people. They can face anything except reality.” –George Mikes
4. “Anybody who hates dogs and children can’t be all bad.” –W.C. Fields
5. “Our comedies are not to be laughed at.” –Samuel Goldwyn
6. “I never said most of the things I said.” –Yogi Berra
7. “Let them eat cake.” –Marie-Antoinette
8. “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.” –Mark Twain
9. “Elementary, my dear Watson.” –Sherlock Holmes (in the stories of A. Conan Doyle)
10. “I am the greatest!” –The Donald

Here are the misattributions:

1. The quote itself is a lie. An Anglican minister, Mason Locke, ascribed it to our first President in his pietistic biography of Washington as part of the made-up ‘Who chopped down the cherry tree’ story: “I can’t tell a lie, Pa; I did cut it with my hatchet.”
2. Possibly another biographical fiction, though not as clear-cut as the cherry tree story. Biographer Wm. Wirt based his attribution on the memory of two Henry contemporaries. The phrase resembles a passage from CATO, a 1713 play written by Joseph Addison.
4. Actually said by humor writer Leo Rosten in introducing Fields at a dinner.
5. An old Hollywood gag, not said (at least originally) by Goldwyn.
7. By all accounts, Marie-Antoinette never uttered those words. Several years before she supposedly said them, they appeared in Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s THE CONFESSIONS.
8. Although Twain used this quote in his autobiography, he credited it to Benjamin Disraeli.
9. Doyle never put those words in the great detective’s mouth in any of his four novels and 56 short stories about Holmes between 1887-1927.  It was actor Basil Rathbone, playing Holmes in the late 1930s-1940s, who spoke those words and made them famous.
10. Donald Trump may think it, but it was Muhammad Ali who said it.

As a bonus, I leave you with this quote: