From 1977 to 1984, God, in the guise of George Burns, starred as Himself in three OH GOD! movies, the last two of which (by earthly standards) stank to high heaven — indicating that even God can overdo a god thing. With Car Talk’s Nine-Question God Questionnaire, I have a good script to work with, but at the rate of one question per post, it would take six more sequels after this one to finish the job. From both an overkill and a don’t try to out-do the Deity standpoint, it doesn’t seem prudent to do more than three posts….especially if the Trinity Pak turns out to be the One True God. Consolidation is in order, or I be in trouble.

Question #3 asked, Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and no missing attributes, and if not, what was the problem? Choices included:

__Not omniscient
__Not omnipotent
__Permits sex outside of marriage
__Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__Requires virgin sacrifices
__Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera & Jesse Helms given as examples)
__Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
__Plays dice with the universe

Other than updating early 1990s’ mistake examples (to Rush Limbaugh & Ann Coulter, for example), no quibbles here.

Question #4 dealt with relevant factors in your decision to acquire a Deity, such as

__Hate to think for myself
__Need to feel morally superior
__Indoctrinated by parents/society.
__Needed focus on whom to despise.
__Graduated from the tooth fairy.
__Wanted to meet girls/boys
__Like organ music
__Desperate need for certainty

No updating necessary.

Question #5 wondered which false gods were you fooled by in the past:

__Mick Jagger
__The almighty dollar
__Left-wing liberalism
__The radical right
__Barney the Dinosaur
__The Great Pumpkin

Update false gods to include Fox News, Chicago Cubs, New York Jets ( to Don) & SWI (to mistermuse)

Question #6: Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

__Fortune cookies
__Playboy and/or Playgirl
__Self-help books
__Drugs, alcohol
__Bill Clinton
__Tea leaves
__Human sacrifice
__Ann Landers

Now that you’ve got the idea, you can do your own #6 updating.

Question #7: Divine intervention-wise, would you prefer:

__Current level just right
__Don’t know … what’s divine intervention?

Just for the hell of it, I’d add __A helluva lot better choices

Question #8 wants you to rate God’s handling of disasters (such as plague, pestilence and spam) and miracles (such as rescues, spontaneous remissions, crying statues and walking on water).

Who are we to judge?

Question #9: Last but not deist, Do you have any suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

Deists don’t believe this is a relevant question. Unluckily, it would appear that
God has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten we exist. –Jane Wagner






  1. Don Frankel says:

    3) Permits sex before during and after marriage. I’ve read the Gospels a few times and I can’t find the place where Jesus tells people not to have sex. I’m not a Biblical Scholar but I just can’t find it. If anyone knows where it is like John 3:16, let me know.
    4) Wanted to meet girls. The number of women who believe far outnumber the ones that don’t. The ones that don’t believe also don’t have any sin references. What would the fun in that be?
    5) I never worshipped the Jets. I believed in the God of baseball but then I still do. God is a big right hander with the number 1 fastball. But I’m not too worried as nobody can throw the fastball by me.
    6) Sex
    7) Current level just about right.
    8) He’s doing okay. I mean you have to have a few here and there. He’s doing pretty good keeping everyone guessing where, when and why?
    9) A little less snow in NYC


  2. mistermuse says:

    Sorry about my Jets “fumble,” Don – I guess I just assumed from all your raps on Rex Ryan that he was wrecking your beloved (if not adored) Jets. I’ll try to make up for the error by not telling God you think He can’t throw a fastball by you.


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