THE PUNS OF AUGUST

Disaster is rarely as pervasive as it seems from recorded accounts. After absorbing the news of today, one expects to find a world consisting entirely of strikes, crimes, power failures, stalled trains, shutdowns, muggers, drug addicts, neo-Nazis, and rapists. The fact is that one can come home in the evening –on a lucky day– without having encountered more than one or two of these phenomena.
Barbara Tuchman, author of The Guns of August (1962 Pulitzer Prize winner)
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I chose the above tongue-in-cheek quote to serve as the introduction to this pun-in-cheek post because….well, because the post’s title had come to me as wordplay based on the title of Tuchman’s book, and I thought the quote would connect the dots….

Now that the dots are taken care of, let us turn to the pun, which, it’s alleged, is mightier than the sword….as long as you don’t get the point. Hahahahaha. The pun has been defined as a short quip followed by a long groan (which is punderstandable if you get the point, assuming it has a point, which would seem to be the point, otherwise what is the point?). It’s all very punfusing.

But enough about whatever that was about. Here are more killer puns (not mine, you’ll be pleased to know) for your edification. If you don’t suffer from edification, take them for anything that ails you.They’re guaranteed to cure every ill known to man. If you’re a woman, take them anyway, just in case you come in contact with man. Why take chances?

What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

What do the Bermuda Triangle and sexy women have in common? They both swallow a lot of seamen.

I told some jokes about the unemployed, but none of them worked.

Thank God for nipples. Without them, boobs would be pointless. 

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Vagina jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, towels and deodorant. Dirty bastards.

I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked!

People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory, when all I did was take a day off.

Speaking of taking a day off, I’m off for the next five days. I leave you with this disclaimer: I assume you are a groan-up and therefore I am NOT RESPUNSIBLE for any side effects, sound effects, after effects or any other effects resulting from reading this post, with the exception of an irresistible urge to send me money (diamonds and gold also accepted).

 

 

 

 

 

 

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18 comments on “THE PUNS OF AUGUST

  1. Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?) says:

    Those were good for a rather painful giggle! 😘 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. mistermuse says:

    Well, I appreciate your reaction. It beats that of the reaction to the person who invented Zero: “Thanks for nothing!” 😦 🙂

    Like

  3. arekhill1 says:

    Well, I hope your next crap spells quotidian, Sr. Muse. It would be less painful and get you more points.

    Like

  4. mistermuse says:

    Fortunately I was quoting someone else’s pun, but if I ever swallow any Scrabble tiles, I’ll shit – I mean shoot – for something even less painful, but still points-rich….like maybe letters that spell L-A-X-I-T-I-V-E.

    Like

  5. mistermuse says:

    Who am I to disagree with so brilliantly perceptive an evaluation (I’d say more, but I’ve already had a few drinks too many).

    Like

  6. Mél@nie says:

    EXCELLENT puns, mille merci, Monsieur Muse! 🙂

    Like

  7. mistermuse says:

    It seems we both agree with Oscar Levant: “A pun is the lowest form of humor….when you don’t think of it first.” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mistermuse says:

    I tried to make it medium rare, but I guess I overdid it. 🙂

    Like

  9. Don Frankel says:

    That which we call a pun by any other name would still be funny.

    Like

  10. mistermuse says:

    We could call a pun a-muse-thing. I don’t know if it would still be funny, but I’m for anything that might make people think of mistermuse (well, ALMOST anything).

    Like

  11. mistermuse says:

    I just realized that some may consider one of my post’s puns: Bermuda Triangle/sexy women both swallow a lot of seamen, tasteless. Sorry about that.

    Like

    • mistermuse says:

      Having already said “Sorry about that,” and since those “killer puns” weren’t mine to begin with, I don’t know that further pun-ishment is warranted (though I could probably come up with even ba-da-bumpier ones, if I put what’s left of my mind to it).

      Like

  12. Invisibly Me says:

    These made me chuckle!!

    Liked by 1 person

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