STYLING FOR DOLLARS

Have you heard about The Donald’s $70,000 hair-styling tax write-off, as reported in Trump’s tax return data published by The New York Times on Sept. 27? In case you missed it:

https://www.thecut.com/2020/09/trump-taxes-trump-wrote-off-usd70-000-in-hairstyling-expenses.html

Now, “everyone knows” (as King Donald is fond of saying about things nobody knows) that his Highness is vain, but $70,000 for hair styling? Even my Vanity Fair-reading wife would consider $70,000 a rather extravagant sum to pay for getting her hair ‘done’ (would that women were ever ‘done’ getting their hair done). Just kidding, ladies — I keep forgetting I might do the same in your place if I had hair on my head, but my head is done with hair).

The moral of my story is that a hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

In any case, since all is fair in love and vanity, be warned there is a caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump’s hair — and, just like Donald’s hair, contact should be avoided under pain of….well, see for yourself:

That’s all I have to say off the top of my head. This post was brought to you as a public service announcement by the makers of Baldy’s Hair Tonic.

HYPE-OH-WHAT-A-MESS

The following meaning comes courtesy of the ghostwriter of THE DEVIL OF A DICTIONARY, a book of definitions and proverbs by the late Ambrosius Beericus, who died adages ago but is still with us in spiritus:
HYPE-OH-WHAT-A-MESS (not to be confused with HIPPOPOTAMUS, a thick-skinned, fat-bodied, hairless member of the genus mammalis): a cross between a hype-ochrondriac and a hypocrite, as exemplified by Donaldo Trumpotomus, a thin-skinned, fat-headed, hairbrained member of the genus ignoramus politicus.

In other news, The President of THE NATIONAL TRIFLE ASSOCIATION, Wayne La Peeinthehair, has announced that a contribution in the trifling amount of 99 bizillion dollars and two cents has been made to the re-election campaign of Donaldo Trumpotomus because the nation cannot afford four years of sanity, competence, and integrity under Josephus Bidenopus and Camelus Would Harassus. This news was immediately applauded by the nations evangelical leaders, who believe in the separation of church and state of government led by people who don’t have faith in Jesus Televangelicus Miraculous.

Mean-while, back at the White House, Donaldo Trumpotomus has granted an interview to that Randymous guy. Let’s listen in….

And there you have it. Sorry, no refunds.

DON THE DISAGREEABLE (A tRump Roast for the Ages)

Today is the birthday of IVAN THE TERRIBLE (Aug. 25, 1530-March 28, 1584). For those of you who weren’t around back then and may not remember how terrible he was, here’s a refresher:

Which brings us to DON THE DISAGREEABLE, aka Donald Trump. For those who believe DISAGREEABLE doesn’t begin to do justice to Don’s place in posteriority, I would’ve titled this post DON THE DOUCHEBAG or DON THE DUCK-BILLED FATTYPUSS….but then I might be accused of gratuitous name-calling, which would be odiously unbecoming of an obviously objective observer of the Pres — a worthy calling indeed, coming, as it does, from he who any follower of this blog can vouch for; (s)he who disagrees is obviously a fatuous fart-face.

So the only fair way to do justice to Don’s legacy is to limit ignominious epithets to those names he has called others — particularly in view of the penchant he has for labeling many of them what he is himself. Examples of such may be found among this compilation of takes-one-to-know-one insults (object of insult(s) in parenthesis):

JEFF BOZO (Jeff Bezos)
CHEATIN’ OBAMA (Barack Obama)
PUNCHY (Robert De Niro)
MORNING PSYCHO (Joe Scarborough)
SLIMEBALL (James Comey)
WACKY AND DERANGED OMAROSA (Omarosa Manigault Newman)

FAT JERRY (Jerry Nadler)
LITTLE MARCO (Marco Rubio)
POCAHONTAS/THE INDIAN (Elizabeth Warren)
DUMMY BETO (Beto O’Rourke)
SHIFTY SCHIFF/ADAM SCHITT (Adam Schiff)
CUTIE PIE (Jonathan Karl)

CRAZY/CROOKED HILLARY (Hillary Clinton)
CRAZY/NERVOUS NANCY (Nancy Pelosi)
CRAZY/SLEEPY JOE (Joe Biden)
CRAZY BERNIE/BASICALLY BRAINDEAD BERNIE (Bernie Sanders)
CRAZY ARNOLD (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
CRAZY MEGYN (Megyn Kelly)

As you can see, you don’t have to be CRAZY to make Trump’s wanton list….but it helps.

 

 

 

 

 

PRESIDENTIAL J. DAY

Tomorrow, August 11, is PRESIDENTIAL JOKE DAY. I suppose you think I’ll use this occasion to pile jokes on top of a joke of a President — a megalomaniacal ignoramus who (in political ads) kvells* that he, President Donald J. Trump, “approved this message” – emphasizing his very impressive middle initial (although I personally favor Presidential J. Day — at least, that’s my initial reaction).

*kvell, a Yiddish word meaning to exult

But why should I bother, when hardly a day goes by when His Highness doesn’t make a laughing stock of himself:

Speaking of “kvells,” who but this cognitive genius of a nature-loving leader of the free world knew that Yo Semites have their own National Park? No doubt he is also the only national park authority who knows that majestic Mount Rain-in-ear National Park in Washington state was named after a brave Native American brave who climbed that mountain in a downpour without an umbrella, causing his head to turn into an ice cube when he reached the summit where the temperature was lower than a cold-blooded President’s IQ.

Now, we must admit (as The Donald does not hesitoot to point out) that his Presidential rival Joe Biden makes his share of gaffes, so who are we to dare air/bare rare, Trumped-up verbal farts such as these:

So, as you can see, hear, and smell. far be it from me to take advantage of PRESIDENTIAL JOKE DAY here. The Fake News speaks for itself. I don’t need to show you any stinkin’ jokes.

 

CLOWNING AROUND

Tomorrow is NATIONAL CLOWN DAY and also marks the start of INTERNATIONAL CLOWN WEEK (August 1-7).  Clowns have a long and interesting history, as chronicled in this scholarly(?) introduction to the subject:

No doubt you noticed in the above video (unless you were clowning around while it was playing) that the first clowns were court jesters.  In the Middle Ages — as can be seen in this scene from the middle of a bygone century — THE COURT JESTER* typically played the fool and looked uncannily like Danny Kaye:

Who knew film — technicolor, no less — existed way back then to record such scenes? But nowadays, clowns have a farcical role model who is an amalgamation of Court Jester, Bozo the Clown, and Tyrant-osaurus Rex:

https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/77899773/Donald-Trump-Clown

The moral of the amoral story is that, if you asspire to the highest office in the land, you could hardly do worse than pattern yourself a-Round-Old Mc-Donald Trump. All Hail to the Cheat —  er, Chief!

….so BE A CLOWN!

*THE COURT JESTER is a 1956 feature film starring Danny Kaye as a fatuous faux court jester (co-starring Angela Lansbury, Basil Rathbone, and Glynis Johns, among others).

 

PHILOSPHER STONED

If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on about Donald Trump, it’s that he isn’t a philosopher. If, however, he can be said to have one guiding precept remotely resembling a philosophy, it has to be IT’S ALL ABOUT ME….or, secondarily, DON’T BLAME ME (which happens to be the title of a song I was going to link here until — faster than you can say Niccollo Machiavelli — Google removed share, embed & copy from their music clips, leaving technologically-challenged mistermuse at a loss as to how to post them).

Be that as it may, I got to thinking that if THE DONALD were a lit-wit (rather than a nitwit) who wished to appear philosophical, there must be any number of wise philosophical quotes he might plagiarize to his greater glory (or, if he were stoned, learn from). Here are some I drug up which could fill the (Duck’s) bill:

There is nothing so absurd that it cannot be believed if repeated often enough. — William James, American philosopher

Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. –Oscar Wilde, Irish wit, poet and playwright

Any man can be a philosopher if he only thinks enough about his own foolishness. –Edgar Watson Howe, American novelist and editor

Philosophers have only interpreted the world. The point, however, is to change it. –Karl Marx, German philosopher, political theorist and socialist revolutionary

If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep. –Tamora Pierce, American fantasy fiction writer

Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. –Plato, Greek philosopher

Always recognize that human individuals are ends, and do not use them as means to your end. — Immanuel Kant, German philosopher

Philosophers before Kant had a tremendous advantage over philosophers after Kant, in that they didn’t have to spend years studying Kant.  –Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, writer and social critic

Only one philosopher in history had a perfect alibi for doing nothing, and his name was I. Kant. –Evan Esar, American humorist

THE INDISPENSABLE (OLD) MAN

“It’s possible there will be some [deaths as a result of reopening the country now].” –President Donald Trump in response to ABC’s David Muir on May 5, 2020.

• * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy proclaimed May as Senior Citizens Month (changed in 1965 to OLDER AMERICANS MONTH). Judging by Trump’s desperation to get the economy humming again before the election — and before the Covid-19 danger (especially to our most vulnerable citizens) is well under control — May seems destined to become Expendable Older Americans Month.

I dare say that, although Trump may consider his fellow senior Americans like Joe Biden, mistermuse, and (perhaps) you expendable, he doesn’t see himself in that category. After all, the country can ill afford to lose a stable genius at a time like this — or at any other time (such as November 3, 2020, for example).

Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings to The Indispensable Man, but it’s just minutely possible that he may lose the upcoming election despite his stable pomposity — er, geniosity. However, in the unlikely event that that happens, His Stable Highness can take consolation in the fact that, like the rest of us put-out-to-pasture patriarchs, he can still be King (Emeritus) of his castle:

BEWARE THE BRIDES OF MARCH

March 15 being THE IDES OF MARCH (but still winter), I thought I’d work on a post I’d call THE BRRRR-IDES OF MARCH — however, it hasn’t been very winter-like where I live, so it’s no weather for snow jobs. Thus I’ll settle for a post about The Brides of March, of whom there have been some blushing ones, some gushing ones, some rushing ones, and a mother lode of if-at-first-you-don’t-succeed-try-try-again ones….such as singing star Peggy Lee, whose marriage to jazz guitarist Dave Barbour was her first of four such gigs.

Here are twenty March brides who gave it the old collage (French for to stick together) try, listed by March wedding day (along with the names of the grooms, just for the wreck of it):

March 1, 1968   JUNE CARTER / Johnny Cash
March 8, 1952   NANCY DAVIS / Ronald Reagan
March 8, 1943   PEGGY LEE / Dave Barbour
March 9, 1796   JOSÉPHINE de BEAUHARNAIS / Napoléon Bonaparte
March 13, 1946 MARY WELSH / Ernest Hemingway

March 15, 1964 ELIZABETH TAYLOR / Richard Burton (again)
March 16, 2002 LIZA MINNELLI / David Gest
March 17, 1905 ELEANOR ROOSEVELT / Franklin D. Roosevelt
March 18, 1869 HARRIET TUBMAN / Nelson Davis
March 19, 1918 DAISY PARKER / Louis Armstrong (who recorded this song 3/2/1932):

March 20, 1969 YOKO ONO / John Lennon
March 21, 1945 LAUREN BACALL / Humphrey Bogart
March 21, 1963 BARBRA STREISAND / Elliott Gould
March 21, 1984 SARAH BRIGHTMAN / Andrew Lloyd Webber
March 23, 1985 CHRISTIE BRINKLEY / Billy Joel

March 24, 1950 INGRID BERGMAN / Roberto Rossellini
March 27, 1916 GLORIA SWANSON / Wallace Beery
March 28, 1920 MARY PICKFORD / Douglas Fairbanks
March 28, 1939 CAROLE LOMBARD / Clark Gable
March 28, 1957 BILLIE HOLIDAY (LADY DAY) / Louis McKay

All but three of those ladies married multiple times, and one of the three (Daisy Parker) died soon after her divorce from Louis Armstrong. Lost passion being the fashion, this quote seems a fitting way to call it a day:

“I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.” –Will Rogers

So ladies, this be your day to be given away. Gents, beware the BRIDES OF MARCH (apologies to Shakespeare) — not to mention, pity your poor (after the divorce) befuddled comrades-in-arms who married them.

 

 

 

 

A NIGHT AT THE (SOAP) OPERA – Act IV

As the curtain rises on Act IV, we pick up where we left off in Act III:

We’ve come at long last to the denouement (aka the point in the presentation where it’s time to wrap up the plot before the popcorn runs out): Fiorello and Tomasso abduct and gag lead tenor Alasprairie during the onstage uproar and take him to a site out of sight, where he’s fit to be tied. Gottliebchen is in a bind: a replacement tenor is needed to quiet the affronted audience, as well as those seated in the rear. Ricardo Macaroni happens to be handy. Gottliebchen gives in. Ricardo and the lovely Rosa Grossa sing an aria. The audience is enthralled. Miraculously, everything has worked out in….

THE END?

But as we all know, it’s not the end until the fat lady sings — a requisite which is unaccountably missing in this opera. Fortunately for our fannies, the fat lady who doesn’t sing in this opera did sing to end this earlier opera, which will serve our purpose here:

Now that’s what I call leaving on borrowed time.

 

A NIGHT AT THE (SOAP) OPERA – Act III

When last we met, leaving our three stowaways on the good ship Lollipoop, Tomasso had cut the beards off of three Russian aviators, and he, Fiorello and Ricardo had assumed their identities….or so you were left to assume. But you don’t have to take my word for it….

Having escaped from the speakers’ platform outside City Hall with plainclothes detective Henderson in pursuit, the stowaways and Driftwort take refuge in a nearby hotel, where they have a flat and retire. In the a.m., they have room service send up their breakfast.

Just when you thought the opening night of the opera season would never arrive, it does….and so does Driftwort, only to learn that he has been fired by Missis Playpool for associating with riffraff (how riffraff got into the act, I’ll never know). Not to be denied, Driftwort (together with Tomasso and Fiorello) goes to Gottliebchen’s office, locks him in a closet, replaces Gottliebchen as Missis Playpool’s escort, and delivers the opening night address, which is the same as the day address, but not as easy to see:

Is there no end to this madness? For the answer to that question, you will have to return for Act IV. Until then….