ACHING NEWS

Due to the fact that a growing portion of the news on TV in recent years is blown up as BREAKING NEWS, it’s a wonder there’s any news left in one piece. It strikes me that TV ‘journalism’ has fallen into such a decrepit condition, even Humpty Dumpty wouldn’t want to trade places with what remains of it. To those of us who fondly remember the class of Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, and the like, cable news overkill is a heart-breaking state of affairs — and heart-breaking affairs, of course, can only leave….

Yes, friends, I’m afraid this world has come to a pretty pass. My heart aches for the return of the good old days when men were men, women were women, news was news, and Presidents were a cut above a pain in the dis-ass-ter. Pardon my language, but that’s the….

What’s to do about it?

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IF I WERE A MITCH MAN

Remember this song from “Fiddler On The Roof?” —

I bring this up because IF I WERE A RICH MAN made me think of U.S. Senate Majority Leader MITCH McConnell and wonder if there’s a satirical song substituting the word “Mitch” for “Rich” in the song title? So I did a Google, and though the search for IF I WERE A MITCH MAN led nowhere, I did find this:

Sorry about that. There must be a better song (or at least, a less depressing one) with a politician’s name in the title. In fact, I happen to know of a few such songs, and if I were a pitch man, here’s one I could plug to lead you out of Mitch depression:

Remember that, as FDR said, we have nothing to fear but fear itself (except, of course, the fear that The Donald could be re-elected). Hence I elect to sing the praises of my candidate to oppose Trump….

Yes, The Donald will soon find that he has met his match, man. The Wintergreen of his discontent fast approaches. Eat your hearts(?) out, Donald and Mitch man.

 

DONALD DUCKS FOR COVER — MICKEY MUSE GOES UNDERCOVER

No doubt you’ve noticed that America’s quack President, Donald Trump, ducks any probing questions he doesn’t want to answer — particularly about his many phony claims, disingenuous spins, grandiose con jobs, and cheap-shot insults. For example, on May 23 he tweeted agreement with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s claim that former U.S. Vice President Biden has a low IQ. Taking on one of my undercover-reporter gigs, I asked The Donald if a low IQ is worse than a MONUMENTAL EGO. Obviously, he didn’t like the question. Ergo, he didn’t answer. Or maybe he was too busy correcting his tweeted misspelling (“Bidan”) of Biden’s name. But I’ll give him a pass on that one; after all, even I make a spelling misteak on rare — or medium rare (but not well done) — occasions.

Pause.

My fellow Americans, I began this post intending to satirize more (out of countless) examples of Trump perfidy, but what’s the point? We all know what Trump is. Blowing his bilge back at him sticks like water off a duck’s back. It’s time to get quackin’ and get serious:

 

 

 

SENIOR MUSE SOUNDS OFF FOR OLD TIMERS SAKE

In 1984, members of the Oxford Library Club for Retired Professional People were especially looking forward to hearing a guest speaker on “Old Age, Absent-Mindedness, and Keeping Fit.” Unfortunately, the speaker forgot to show up. –excerpted from the book 1,000 UNFORGETTABLE SENIOR MOMENTS

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MAY being OLDER AMERICANS MONTH, and ME being an older American, I’ve decided to post a post predicated on passing on — make that on¬†passing along — hoary words of wisdom concerning a subject I’m surpassingly qualified to write about, namely …. ….hmmm….uh….ah…. longevity¬†(ha ha — you thought I forgot what I was going to write about, didn’t you?).

Actually, I must admit to being a bit of a senior citizen-slouch when it comes to longevity — at least, compared to this guy:

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/worlds-oldest-man-146-birthday-long-life-location-country-name-celebrates-old-age-a7505401.html

And of course, that there this guy is himself a slouch compared to this here this guy:

Methuselah, as all my bible-believing brethr’n and sistern know, was said to have lived 969 years (Genesis 5:27), so you might think this song is my inspiration to keep marching on:

But (and I quote) “Who calls that livin’ when no gal’s gonna give in to no man what’s 900 years?”

So there you have it from Bobby Darin singing the lyrics of Ira Gershwin. Or you can take it from Senior Muse quoting the words of Oscar Wilde: “The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is not young.”

 

 

 

TRUMP COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT BETTER

As we know, our beloved, above-the-law President, Donald “Stonewall Maximum” Trump, is not one to account for his violations of civility, humanity or legality, but in case he ever feels a need to make excuses for his base….instincts, he can grab on to one of the following old floozies — I mean DOOZIES — for justification. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery, he may even want to lay claim to them all — no matter the doozies became noted quotes ere Trump ere heard of them or the quotees (well, maybe he heard of the first one.)

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.” –DAVID DINKINS, former NYC Mayor

“I care not who makes the laws of a nation if I can get out an injunction.” –FINLEY PETER DUNNE, humorist

“Suppression is 9/10ths of the law.” –EVAN ESAR (a pun on the expression “Possession is 9/10ths of the law.”

“I simply misremembered it wrong.” –MARK KIRK, former Republican Senator from Illinois

“My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, surrender to what is right.” –DAN QUAYLE, VP of the United States under George H.W. Bush

“There are people in our society who should be separated and discarded.” –SPIRO AGNEW, V.P. of the U.S. under Richard Nixon

“I AM the Federal Government.” –TOM DELAY, former GOP Majority leader, after telling a business owner to put out his cigar due to a federal law against smoking in the building

Now that’s a quote we can lay on THE DONALD without DELAY.

 

 

 

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOT TALK?

When I was young, I never thought about getting old (a stage of life known as having one foot in the grave — almost curtains). So, having two feet in the grave was the last thing on my mind. Now I’m a senior citizen, and I’m still not ready to kick the bucket, but my feet are killing me like I am about to kick bucket — or, with my luck it (this bucket) kicks me:

Foot cramps, ingrown toenails, fungus among-us, smelly feet (you know this from my last post) — it’s like I got my feet at the Bad Feet Store. You name it, my feet are treating me like a heel. Don’t laugh — someday you may walk in my shoes, and then you’ll know the agony of de feet and be the sole of remorse for not seeing fit to empathize. But I guess you’ll cross that footbridge when you come to it.

Having retired from a desk job, I didn’t spend most of my life upon my feet, so my tootsies aren’t letting me down because of being mistreated. Likewise, I’ve seldom, if ever, worn high heels (I may have BEEN a heel a time or two, but that’s a different story). I don’t know — maybe I’m finally footing the bill for writing such poems as this:

All humans have more than one foot,
Unless one has less than two.
One can trust I count two on me —
More or less, can one count on you?

Groan. I guess my days of being this are over:

 

 

AN INGREDIENT FOUND IN SMELLYFISH

You may recall that my previous post included a video clip titled AMAZING FACTS ABOUT WHALES (the more imaginative original title, WHALE WATCHING FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN COUCH WHILE GUZZLING BEER AND WOLFING DOWN A BOATLOAD OF SEA-SALTED SNACKS, was apparently scuttled for being too much to digest in one sitting).

Now, after much wailing from the peanut gallery and an underwhelming wave of favorable comments about that post, I can say that a whale watcher by any other name would smell as sweat, so (having no shame), how about a post about another amazing sea creature, the SMELLYFISH?

You have no doubt heard that an ingredient discovered in SMELLYFISH (more commonly known as the jellyfish) is the “clinically tested” source of the product shown in this clip (click, then scroll down a bit to view the commercial):

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/jellyfish-memory-supplement-prevagen-hoax-ftc-says-n704886

Now, I don’t know about your pungency, but I can assure you that much the same smell discovered in SMELLYFISH can be found in even greater abundance by nosing around my armpits, feet, or posterior. While I can’t honestly promise that my byproduct will improve your memory permanently, I can pretty much guarantee that you won’t forget it in the near term. So why pay for this unproven product:

http://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/memory/article/memory-supplement-worth-forgetting

….when you can buy my unproven product (called B.O. IN A BOTTLE) for a fraction of the price. Just send me a signed blank check (don’t worry about the amount — I’ll fill that in and save you the trouble), and you too can have peace of minus, knowing that what you smell is what you get (when I get around to it).

Act now and I’ll throw in a clothespin at no extra charge, just in case my smell is more than you bargained for. Fits any size nose in a pinch.