As a pubic service, I’ve been gathering up dirty jokes to celebrate Earth Day on April 22, but with winter apparently determined to go on and on, March will probably linger as long as December, January, February and the last Ice Age. And who’s to say that the first twenty-one days of April will go any faster? No, my fellow Cold Wearyers, the time has come to bust out of Mother Nature’s freezer and thaw out our frozen libidos with some hot humor, which, as you may know, is Latin for humor. Funny how the English left a perfectly good word unchanged for a change — they’ve screwed around with so many, if you’ll pardon my French.

Just a reminder that what follows is rated “R” for Raunchy, so if you are under 21, you must be accompanied by an adulterer before proceeding. In the event that an adulterer is unavailable, a prostitute will do the job, but please keep your whore stories to yourself.

What do you call a 13 year old Kentucky girl who can run faster than her brothers?
A virgin.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Hey that’s cute, but can you breathe through it?

An envious gal tells her new, more beautiful girlfriend, “I’ve slept with a Brazilian.”
Friend: “What are you, a slut? How many is a brazilian?”

What’s the best thing about dating homeless women?
You can drop them off anywhere.

“Do you want a bag?” the cashier asks the guy buying condoms.
“No. She’s not that ugly.”

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

Why do they call it the Wonder bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where her boobs went.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. Try using a lubricant.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his rear end.

What do you call a bunny with a bent penis?
Fucks Funny.

That’s all, folks!