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  • mistermuse 12:00 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Bill Clinton, , , , , John Adams, John F. Kennedy, , , , , ,   

    WIT HUNT 

    Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone of politics; in hindsight, I should have been more specific. — Barack Obama (2016 White House Correspondents’ Dinner)

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    I am going to miss President Obama when he’s ‘gone’….if for no other virtue than his laid-back wit — a quality sadly lacking in the two major candidates to succeed him, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump  (not to mention his wit-less former GOP rivals):

    One View: 2016 candidates lack wit of predecessors

    At least Hillary managed a treasonable (to Trump apologists) facsimile of wit in a June 21 speech: “Trump has written a lot of books about business – they all seem to end at chapter 11” (a reference to his four corporate bankruptcies). Granted, that line was probably conceived by a speech writer, but she delivered it as if it were her baby, and to hold it against her is extraneous to witticisms delivered by past actual or would-be Presidents. Wit the help of assiduous research, here are a dozen of yore favorites (and I quote):

    I do declare, if this be true, General Pinckney has kept them all for himself and cheated me out of my two. –John Adams (in response to rumors that he had dispatched the General to England to bring back four mistresses: two for Pinckney and two for Adams)

    If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one? –Abraham Lincoln (when accused by Stephen Douglas of being two-faced)

    Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. –Adlai Stevenson

    Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. –Ronald Reagan

    Being President is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening. –Bill Clinton

    If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. –Adlai Stevenson

    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. –Abraham Lincoln (Are you listening, Donald Trump?)

    I hope you’re all Republicans. —Ronald Reagan (to surgeons upon entering the operating room following 1981 assassination attempt)

    I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. –John F. Kennedy (at a White House dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners)

    I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a cabinet meeting. –Ronald Reagan

    A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. –Adlai Stevenson

    When they call the role in the Senate, the Senators don’t know whether to answer “present” or “not guilty.” –Teddy Roosevelt

    And with that exhaustive compendium, I’m at wit’s end.

     

     
    • Michele 12:57 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Yes the living here in Florida is easy but also challenging at times. I liked your Wits End poem and enjoyed the commentary from several of our nation’s wittiest politicians. Oh my! I had not realized how life of John Adams’ was so stressful that he chose to have a duel Thank you mistermuse for writing about this topic.

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 2:18 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Michele, I’m guessing that you meant “duo” (not “duel”) — although, if the rumors had been true, Adams might have chosen to duel the General for having “kept them all for himself!”

        Like

    • Michele 1:10 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      A funny and entertaining poem and commentary. Your quotes are notable. The elected officials are not always the smartest but they are certainly easy to talk with on more than one question:

      Liked by 1 person

    • charlypriest 6:36 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I won´t get into politics because we disagree and I will make you such a great argument to vote for Trump and that you would be so dazed that I will have to buy you a weel chair…..so I got the so I got the real solution, I´m going to get into the race so you can vote for me. These are my 3 primary things to change in America
      1- Manddatory to go to MacDonalds once a day
      2- Mandatory to have sex at least 3 times a week( that would bring the calories of the burger down, see? Balance)
      3- Mandatory to party twice a week ( taking off the stress will make you go back to work on Monday with renewed energy therefore the workforce will be more productive)

      My slogan: CHARLY WILL MAKE AMERICA GREATER THAN GREAT

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 7:08 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I suspect a multi-million dollar donation from MacDonalds to your campaign is in the mail as we speak (as well as similar donations from Wendy’s, Burger King, Arby’s, etc. to your opponents’ campaigns).

        Liked by 2 people

    • linnetmoss 8:07 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Hillary has an unexpected talent for delivering funny lines. If only she would loosen up a little and learn to love a joke 🙂 Lord knows we need something to laugh about these days.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 10:26 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I’d like to see Hillary use more lines like the “chapter 11” zinger I cited in my post. As I said, I doubt that she came up with it herself, but her delivery was spot-on, which is a talent in itself. Obama probably doesn’t write most of his funny lines, though I believe he is more than capable of doing so (Hillary, not so much).
        Looking over the list of 12 quotes, it would be interesting to know which ones were original to those who spoke them. My money would be on Lincoln, Adams and Stevenson for sure, and Reagan for at least the “I hope you’re all Republicans” quip.

        Liked by 2 people

        • linnetmoss 12:47 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink

          Hillary might be funny in private. That’s what her aides say, any way. It’s riskier for women to use humor in public. But I agree that she should develop that talent for delivery. And get some good writers. Humor can be a powerful weapon in the coming election!

          Liked by 3 people

        • mistermuse 4:23 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink

          I agree that “Humor can be a powerful weapon in the coming election” — but with the emphasis on “can be”….as in POWERFUL BUT NOT SUFFICIENT (a variant of ‘necessary but not sufficient’). There has probably never been a wittier Presidential candidate than Adlai Stevenson, but the relatively humorless Dwight Eisenhower beat him in a landslide in the 1952 election. Fortunately for Hillary, The Donald is no Eisenhower, and I think more wit of the “chapter 11” type would serve her well.

          Like

    • Don Frankel 10:10 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I like TR’s the best there as it seems the most apropos in New York right now. But what will all this Brexit mean? Tune in Monday and find out. Also an update on Dumbgate.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 10:36 am on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Speaking of TR, what this country needs right now is one more Teddy Roosevelt and one less TRump running for President.

        Like

    • D. Wallace Peach 4:57 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      These are great. Who knew Reagan was such a wit? Sad that some of the old ones still apply today 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 6:05 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Reagan proved that one doesn’t have to be an intellectual to be witty. On the other hand, Adlai Stevenson (who is little remembered today) proved that an intellectual can be extremely witty (but not necessarily a successful Presidential candidate).

      Liked by 1 person

    • Cynthia Jobin 7:16 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      What is “an intellectual”? Who is “smart?” Shouldn’t the humor of wit appeal in a universal way, to regular human beings in general, and not as an adolescent “in joke” appealing to the cafeteria table where all the popular kids hang out? (for example, “chapter eleven” would be meaningless to a great number of ordinary people, and is it actually true about the number of chapters in the book?) I say this because I find nothing to enjoy or find witty about Barach Obama or Hillary Clinton. I take a risk weighing-in here, since the smoke of lopsided partisan politics is so thick it forms the letters: “MEMBERS ONLY.”

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 9:05 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I suppose one could put “an intellectual” in the same class as Potter Stewart’s being unable to define pornography, but knowing it when he sees it. So I don’t find it hard to see Adlai Stevenson as an intellectual and Donald Trump as other-wise, though it goes without saying (?) that not every juxtaposition is so black and white….speaking of which, I half agree with you regarding Barack Obama, and completely agree re Hillary Clinton (as I indicate in my post). I think Obama is pretty darn funny at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinners (though I’m sure most, if not all, his witty remarks come from his speech writers). Outside of such occasions, he is indeed almost entirely serious….and I probably would be too, in his position.

        BTW, if I may say so, I definitely do not agree that the humor of wit must NECESSARILY appeal only to “regular human beings in general,” although perhaps in an ideal world, it should. Take, for example, the John F. Kennedy quote (or the Hillary quote, for that matter). Should those quotes be disqualified as witty just because “a great number of regular human beings” may not ‘get’ them? That seems to me to make a virtue of insufficient education (which I don’t mean in a way that faults anyone for something that may well not be their fault). I don’t think humor needs to fit in one box. Jokes no doubt should appeal in a universal way; wit: not so much.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Cynthia Jobin 9:45 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink

          I like what you say here. I still think the chapter eleven joke was a joke and not wit, as you’ve nicely differentiated those things. Now for another expression…which, as a life long teacher, and denizen of schools, I would be interested to explore, if I weren’t too weary at the moment: “insufficient” education…I have known persons with a PhD.. whom I would deem insufficiently educated.

          Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 10:35 pm on June 25, 2016 Permalink

          I think we can probably agree that there are a number of things that can’t be completely separated in all instances, and that, though I drew a distinction between jokes and wit, there can be crossover. I will therefore meet you halfway on “chapter eleven” and call it a witty joke. And you will get no argument from me regarding some with a PhD being insufficiently educated!

          Liked by 1 person

    • Richard 1:30 pm on June 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Should we lower the level of humor to a universally understandable one for reasons of political correctness. (Still on vacation, and can`t find the rightside up question mark on this Spanish keyboard). Wouldn`t that leave us with nada but knock-knock jokes? (Found it!) But I will also regret the changing of Adminstrations no matter who wins. When will we have a President as chill as Obama again? You and I may well not live long enough to see it, Sr. Muse.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 2:57 pm on June 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      My guess is that the average person (who isn’t well-versed in history and current events) probably finds much of my wordplay over their heads, but if one must lower his/her “level of humor” to a universally understandable one, what’s the point — that anyone who doesn’t ‘dumb down’ their wit is guilty of being an ELITIST (pardon my language) and should be ostracized? In short, I agree with you, Ricardo.

      Like

    • eths 12:22 am on June 28, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Wonderful! I think Hillary has a great sense of humor. Watch: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/hillary-clinton-bar-talk/2916002

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 9:15 am on June 28, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the clip, in which Hillary does very well. I agree that Hillary has a good, & perhaps even great, sense of humor, but there are lots of people who have a good sense of humor who aren’t witty, and I would put Hillary in that category. I don’t mean that in a derogatory sense, because I think wit is in a person’s DNA, and to not have it is not that person’s fault.

      What I really like about that clip is that she’s not afraid to be self-deprecating, and that’s a type of humor that is completely foreign to the likes of Donald Trump, who has probably never said a self-deprecating thing in his life.

      Like

    • Richard Cahill 11:08 am on June 29, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      The dumbing down of humor would be a bad idea indeed, Sr. Muse–all we would have left would be knock-knock jokes.

      Like

    • mistermuse 3:07 pm on June 29, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Knock-knock,
      Who’s there?
      June.
      June who?
      June 29th.
      So what?
      So tune in tomorrow for the follow-up to this post.

      Like

    • barkinginthedark 12:07 am on July 21, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      “If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.” –Adlai Stevenson one of the all-time wittiest quotes….just like W. – or Trump eh? continue….

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 8:09 am on July 21, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      If only Adlai were alive today, I would love to see him running for Pres against The Donald (aka the battle of The Wit against The Witless).

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 10:43 am on April 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Bill Clinton, , Devil's Dictionary, George Stephanopolous, , , , ,   

    POL POTLUCK 

     

    April 17 being both NATIONAL CHEESEBALL DAY and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH DAY, my thoughts naturally turn to politics and politicians as subject matter for today’s post. Of course, many politicians are unintentional comedians, so there is a verbal plethora of political humor to choose from — too much, in fact, to arrange here in any coherent fashion in one day (not that I would care to do so anyway, had I the election of a plethora of days). I’ll start with an entree — The Devil’s Dictionary definition of politics — followed by a potluck buffet of jokes, quotes, axioms, etc. in no pontifical order:

    Politics, n.  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.  –Ambrose Bierce

    Four surgeons are taking a coffee break and discussing their profession. The first says, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
    The second says, “I think librarians are the easiest. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order.”
    The third says, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
    The fourth says, “I like to operate on politicians. They’re heartless, mindless, spineless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”

    We’ll let the other countries of the world be the peacekeepers and the great country called America be the pacemakers.  –George W. Bush

    “I have had great financial sex.”  –Presidential candidate Ross Perot (intending to say “financial success“)

    Congress is strange: a man gets up to speak and says nothing; nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.  –Evan Esar

    “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”  –Dan Quayle, former Vice President

    The highest function of conservatism is to keep what progressiveness has accomplished.  –R. H. Fulton

    “The American peole’s expectations are that we will fail. Our mission is to exceed their expectations.”  –George W. Bush

    The chief defect of a democracy is that only the political party out of office knows how to run the government.  –Evan Esar

    “The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.”  –George Stephanopolous, former aide to Bill Clinton

    I have never found in a long experience in politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.  –Harold Macmillan 

    “This is a great day for France!”  –Richard Nixon (while attending President DeGaulle’s funeral)

    Etc., etc., etc….

     

     

     
    • arekhill1 10:58 am on April 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I thought financial sex was screwing people out of their money. Happy Cheeseball Day!

      Like

    • mistermuse 12:27 pm on April 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I think you’re right on the money. By the way, today is also National High Five Day, a day when politicians celebrate their biggest scores of the past year in that regard.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 3:12 am on April 18, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      No matter what they do or what they say, they are spending your money. In all fairness and why should we be fair, but in all fairness if you speak in public enough you’ll say some stupid things. Of course some people make a career of it. Sorry to pick on Dick Nixon, and he said we wouldn’t have him to kick around anymore, but he said one of my favorites. He was President and sex was the issue of the day and in the middle of some speech he said. “When it comes to the question of sex, no one can stand pat.” Of course he was married to Pat Nixon. Even he laughed at that.

      Like

    • mistermuse 6:19 am on April 18, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Good point, Don. Some of the “stupid things” said by politicians are the spoken equivalent of written typos — funny but entirely excusable (like what Dick Nixon said about standing pat, which I hadn’t heard before).

      On the other hand, some guys’ verbal screwups (and it’s usually guys, notwithstanding the Sarah Palins of the world) are so ingrained and such a window into their real self that you have to question their capability for the office they hold or seek. To me, the poster child for this is former VP Dan Quayle, who I shudder to think what this country would’ve endured if he had become President. No doubt many right-wingers feel the same about current VP Joe Biden, but his malapropisms strike me as being of the “typo” type, not of being gravitas-and-insight challenged (if I’m not being too unkind).

      Like

  • mistermuse 1:21 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , astrology, Bill Clinton, certainty, Chicago Cubs, , , divine intervention, , Elvis, fortune cookies, Fox News, , indoctrination, liberalism, New York Jets, omnipotence, omniscience, Playboy, Playgirl, radical right, , , , spam   

    GOD’S QUESTIONNAIRE REVISITED – THE END IS NEAR 

    From 1977 to 1984, God, in the guise of George Burns, starred as Himself in three OH GOD! movies, the last two of which (by earthly standards) stank to high heaven — indicating that even God can overdo a god thing. With Car Talk’s Nine-Question God Questionnaire, I have a good script to work with, but at the rate of one question per post, it would take six more sequels after this one to finish the job. From both an overkill and a don’t try to out-do the Deity standpoint, it doesn’t seem prudent to do more than three posts….especially if the Trinity Pak turns out to be the One True God. Consolidation is in order, or I be in trouble.

    Question #3 asked, Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and no missing attributes, and if not, what was the problem? Choices included:

    __Not omniscient
    __Not omnipotent
    __Permits sex outside of marriage
    __Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    __Requires virgin sacrifices
    __Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera & Jesse Helms given as examples)
    __Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    __When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
    __Plays dice with the universe

    Other than updating early 1990s’ mistake examples (to Rush Limbaugh & Ann Coulter, for example), no quibbles here.

    Question #4 dealt with relevant factors in your decision to acquire a Deity, such as

    __Hate to think for myself
    __Need to feel morally superior
    __Indoctrinated by parents/society.
    __Needed focus on whom to despise.
    __Graduated from the tooth fairy.
    __Wanted to meet girls/boys
    __Like organ music
    __Desperate need for certainty

    No updating necessary.

    Question #5 wondered which false gods were you fooled by in the past:

    __Mick Jagger
    __The almighty dollar
    __Left-wing liberalism
    __The radical right
    __Beelzebub
    __Barney the Dinosaur
    __Elvis
    __The Great Pumpkin

    Update false gods to include Fox News, Chicago Cubs, New York Jets ( to Don) & SWI (to mistermuse)

    Question #6: Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

    __Astrology
    __Fortune cookies
    __Playboy and/or Playgirl
    __Self-help books
    __Sex
    __Drugs, alcohol
    __Bill Clinton
    __Tea leaves
    __Human sacrifice
    __Ann Landers

    Now that you’ve got the idea, you can do your own #6 updating.

    Question #7: Divine intervention-wise, would you prefer:

    __More
    __Less
    __Current level just right
    __Don’t know … what’s divine intervention?

    Just for the hell of it, I’d add __A helluva lot better choices

    Question #8 wants you to rate God’s handling of disasters (such as plague, pestilence and spam) and miracles (such as rescues, spontaneous remissions, crying statues and walking on water).

    Who are we to judge?

    Question #9: Last but not deist, Do you have any suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

    Deists don’t believe this is a relevant question. Unluckily, it would appear that
    God has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten we exist. –Jane Wagner

     

     

     

     
    • Don Frankel 4:24 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      3) Permits sex before during and after marriage. I’ve read the Gospels a few times and I can’t find the place where Jesus tells people not to have sex. I’m not a Biblical Scholar but I just can’t find it. If anyone knows where it is like John 3:16, let me know.
      4) Wanted to meet girls. The number of women who believe far outnumber the ones that don’t. The ones that don’t believe also don’t have any sin references. What would the fun in that be?
      5) I never worshipped the Jets. I believed in the God of baseball but then I still do. God is a big right hander with the number 1 fastball. But I’m not too worried as nobody can throw the fastball by me.
      6) Sex
      7) Current level just about right.
      8) He’s doing okay. I mean you have to have a few here and there. He’s doing pretty good keeping everyone guessing where, when and why?
      9) A little less snow in NYC

      Like

    • mistermuse 7:48 pm on April 11, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry about my Jets “fumble,” Don – I guess I just assumed from all your raps on Rex Ryan that he was wrecking your beloved (if not adored) Jets. I’ll try to make up for the error by not telling God you think He can’t throw a fastball by you.

      Like

      • Don Frankel 4:27 am on April 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Too late Muse, He knows.

        Like

  • mistermuse 7:44 pm on November 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Bill Clinton, , political equivocation, , poolitical humor,   

    POLITICS MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY (AND MEANING IT) 

    Some men would rather be right than be President, while others are not so particular.  — Evan Esar

    The PEANUTS comic strip in this morning’s paper had Peppermint Patty asking Roy what you do when something you “really believed was going to happen didn’t happen?” Roy answers, “Well, you could admit you were wrong.” Peppermint Patty replies, “Besides that, I mean.”

    Now that’s humor that hits the nail on the head, which may be a cliche (like DENIAL IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT), but it’s a cliche because it’s right on target. Guilt-evasion, admission-advoidance and denial practicioners excel in many professions — one of my favorites is end-of-the-world prophets who always manage to come up with excuses why their predicted Armageddon dates come and go, yet we’re still here — but life is too short to delve into many professions. Politicians alone comprise a category of equivocation beyond belief, so it’s enough to let their cup runeth over onto this page….in their own words:

    It depends on what the meaning of “is” is.  — Bill Clinton

    I hope you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you’ve heard is not what I meant.  — Richard Nixon

    First, it was not a strip bar, it was an exotic club. And second, I’m a night owl.”  — Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry (when accused of inappropriate behavior at a strip joint)

    I was walking around dictating responses and simply wanted to make sure the pieces of paper were not weighing me down.  — British Cabinet Secretary Oliver Letwin, after having been caught dumping sensitive Government papers in park bins.

    I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.  — former NYC mayor David Dinkins

    Oh, did I say Norwegian army? What I really meant was that he’s with Britain’s special forces on a totally secret foreign mission, so I can’t tell you where he is or anything.  — Norwegian parliament member Saera Khan, who claimed, after Norwegian parliament refused to pay her $7750 cellphone bill, the charges were satellite phone calls to her boyfriend, a Norwegian special services soldier (she finally admitted the calls were to psychic hotlines after the British ISAF repudiated her claim)

    Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me.  — Mississippie Senator Trent Lott

    I simply misremembered it wrong.  — Illinois Senator Mark Kirk, regarding claims he’d made about his military record, including having been Naval Intelligence Officer of the Year, having commanded the Pentagon War Room and served in Desert Storm.

    Well, it doesn’t sound [appropriate] now, [if] you bring it up that way.  — Texas state representative Joe Driver, in response to revelations that he’d been routinely double-billing the government for travel expenses despite his opposition to the “big spending habits of liberals in government.”

    I never know what I’m going to say until I say it, so I am kind of interested in hearing what I think.  — South Carolina state representative John G. Altman

      

     
    • Ricardo 8:01 pm on November 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      And you compiled this list without a single Bushism! Very commendable. Personally, I’m not the type of guy who resists low-hanging fruit, so never forget “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

      That’s Dubya at the peak of his powers!

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:06 pm on November 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      That’s a classic, Ricardo.
      I ran across many classic Bushims in compiling this list, but none seemed to go well with the theme of this post, so i gave him a pass. I added the Norwegian parliament member quote after posting my original list, so I may add an appropriate Bushism tomorrow if I feel like doing more research and can find one that fits.

      Like

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