HYPE-OH-WHAT-A-MESS

The following meaning comes courtesy of the ghostwriter of THE DEVIL OF A DICTIONARY, a book of definitions and proverbs by the late Ambrosius Beericus, who died adages ago but is still with us in spiritus:
HYPE-OH-WHAT-A-MESS (not to be confused with HIPPOPOTAMUS, a thick-skinned, fat-bodied, hairless member of the genus mammalis): a cross between a hype-ochrondriac and a hypocrite, as exemplified by Donaldo Trumpotomus, a thin-skinned, fat-headed, hairbrained member of the genus ignoramus politicus.

In other news, The President of THE NATIONAL TRIFLE ASSOCIATION, Wayne La Peeinthehair, has announced that a contribution in the trifling amount of 99 bizillion dollars and two cents has been made to the re-election campaign of Donaldo Trumpotomus because the nation cannot afford four years of sanity, competence, and integrity under Josephus Bidenopus and Camelus Would Harassus. This news was immediately applauded by the nations evangelical leaders, who believe in the separation of church and state of government led by people who don’t have faith in Jesus Televangelicus Miraculous.

Mean-while, back at the White House, Donaldo Trumpotomus has granted an interview to that Randymous guy. Let’s listen in….

And there you have it. Sorry, no refunds.

IT’S ABOUT A QUOTER TO NINE

Several days ago, one of my readers said she’s partial to humorous quotes, so I’ve been thinking about spending a whole lot of time thinking about devoting a post to things others have said which are funnier than what I say….but after searching high (brow) and low (brow), eye gave up. See what I mean?

Ha ha! Just kidding. Believe it or not, I was able to find nine selections funnier-than-mine (well, maybe somewhat funnier), though I’m sure I would’ve said them first if I’d thought of them first. Some of the nine guys & gals I’m about to quote said what they said before I was even born, thus taking unfair advantage of circumstances beyond my control. But this is my blog, so as a quoter of quotes, I at least get to determine the subject matter of the quotes I quote, and the quotes I’ve chosen to quote are quotes about quotes….and I quote:

“A quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself – always a laborious business.” –A. A. Milne

“I googled the quote ‘Power means not having to respond.’ Nothing happened.” –John Alejandro King [what “Power means” sounds like something Trump might say, except nothing Trump says is worth quoting]

“Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.” –Ambrose Bierce

“There are two kinds of marriages: where a husband quotes the wife, and where the wife quotes the husband.” –Clifford Odets

“You can tell a really wonderful quote by the fact that it’s attributed to a whole raft of wits.” –Anna Quindlen

“I have made it a rule that whenever I say something stupid, I immediately attribute it to Dr. Johnson, Marcus Aurelius or Dorothy Parker.” –George Mikes

“That woman speaks eighteen languages and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.” –Dorothy Parker

“You can always depend on children to quote you correctly, especially when it’s something you shouldn’t have said.” –Evan Esar

“I can’t see what Jack Warner [Warner Bros. movie mogul] can do with an Oscar – it can’t say Yes.” –Al Jolson

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DON THE DISAGREEABLE (A tRump Roast for the Ages)

Today is the birthday of IVAN THE TERRIBLE (Aug. 25, 1530-March 28, 1584). For those of you who weren’t around back then and may not remember how terrible he was, here’s a refresher:

Which brings us to DON THE DISAGREEABLE, aka Donald Trump. For those who believe DISAGREEABLE doesn’t begin to do justice to Don’s place in posteriority, I would’ve titled this post DON THE DOUCHEBAG or DON THE DUCK-BILLED FATTYPUSS….but then I might be accused of gratuitous name-calling, which would be odiously unbecoming of an obviously objective observer of the Pres — a worthy calling indeed, coming, as it does, from he who any follower of this blog can vouch for; (s)he who disagrees is obviously a fatuous fart-face.

So the only fair way to do justice to Don’s legacy is to limit ignominious epithets to those names he has called others — particularly in view of the penchant he has for labeling many of them what he is himself. Examples of such may be found among this compilation of takes-one-to-know-one insults (object of insult(s) in parenthesis):

JEFF BOZO (Jeff Bezos)
CHEATIN’ OBAMA (Barack Obama)
PUNCHY (Robert De Niro)
MORNING PSYCHO (Joe Scarborough)
SLIMEBALL (James Comey)
WACKY AND DERANGED OMAROSA (Omarosa Manigault Newman)

FAT JERRY (Jerry Nadler)
LITTLE MARCO (Marco Rubio)
POCAHONTAS/THE INDIAN (Elizabeth Warren)
DUMMY BETO (Beto O’Rourke)
SHIFTY SCHIFF/ADAM SCHITT (Adam Schiff)
CUTIE PIE (Jonathan Karl)

CRAZY/CROOKED HILLARY (Hillary Clinton)
CRAZY/NERVOUS NANCY (Nancy Pelosi)
CRAZY/SLEEPY JOE (Joe Biden)
CRAZY BERNIE/BASICALLY BRAINDEAD BERNIE (Bernie Sanders)
CRAZY ARNOLD (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
CRAZY MEGYN (Megyn Kelly)

As you can see, you don’t have to be CRAZY to make Trump’s wanton list….but it helps.

 

 

 

 

 

RELAX REDUX / IN THE LAP OF LUX

After my last post (“RELAX”), the title of a possible sequel (“RELAX REDUX”) came to me….however, further inspiration waned, leaving me a title in search of a post. But fear not. We artistes are too artiste-tic to give up a half-asinine idea without a fight….and, in time, a way forward hit me: if RELAX REDUX became the asinine half of a whole post, the whole post would be half-asinine if the second half of the whole were also half-asinine. In other words, the second half of the whole must be better than half-asinine, or the whole post is half-asinine.

In short, to half or not to half — that was the question. The answer came to me when I asked myself what can be logically paired with relaxation to buttress a less asinine whole, and I answered myself: luxury, that’s what. Hence I appoint IN THE LAP OF LUX to serve as my better half….whether my wife likes it or not.

So, Weather* you’re weady or not, it’s time to welax — er, RELAX. That’s half the battle.

*LAZY WEATHER was one of a number of songs written by white composer Peter DeRose and black lyricist Jo Trent in the late 1920s (a time when such bi-racial collaboration was almost unheard of)

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Now on to IN THE LAP OF LUX:

“Living in the lap of luxury isn’t bad, except that you never know when luxury is going to stand up.” –Orson Welles

“If your neighbor has it, a luxury immediately becomes a necessity.” –Evan Esar

“The older I get, the more I realize that the ultimate luxury is time.” –Michael Kars

“Someone loving you back with all they’ve got is perhaps the greatest luxury of this rotten modern times, when lovers are easy but love is rare.” –Nitya Prakash

“Contentment is natural wealth; luxury [is] artificial poverty.” –Socrates

“Authentic luxury flourishes in the untying of self-worth from popular opinion.” –Ann Brasco

“Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three — and paradise is when you have none.” –Doug Larson

“It is only to the happy that tears are a luxury.” –Thomas More

So….

 

 

 

 

 

CLOWNING AROUND

Tomorrow is NATIONAL CLOWN DAY and also marks the start of INTERNATIONAL CLOWN WEEK (August 1-7).  Clowns have a long and interesting history, as chronicled in this scholarly(?) introduction to the subject:

No doubt you noticed in the above video (unless you were clowning around while it was playing) that the first clowns were court jesters.  In the Middle Ages — as can be seen in this scene from the middle of a bygone century — THE COURT JESTER* typically played the fool and looked uncannily like Danny Kaye:

Who knew film — technicolor, no less — existed way back then to record such scenes? But nowadays, clowns have a farcical role model who is an amalgamation of Court Jester, Bozo the Clown, and Tyrant-osaurus Rex:

https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/77899773/Donald-Trump-Clown

The moral of the amoral story is that, if you asspire to the highest office in the land, you could hardly do worse than pattern yourself a-Round-Old Mc-Donald Trump. All Hail to the Cheat —  er, Chief!

….so BE A CLOWN!

*THE COURT JESTER is a 1956 feature film starring Danny Kaye as a fatuous faux court jester (co-starring Angela Lansbury, Basil Rathbone, and Glynis Johns, among others).

 

WHERE THE TRUTH LIES

lie, n. a false statement known to be false by the person who makes it.
lie, v. to be in a horizontal or flat position; to exist; have its place.  –World Book Dictionary

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So, where does the truth lie? Attempts to address that question, it seems to me, lie in the assumption that we know objectively what truth is. Should we settle for the negative defining of truth as being the opposite of “lie, n“? I don’t know that most of us want to — or need to — go deeper into the jungle of truth than that, but if you’re of a mind to take the path of beast resistance, you can start here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201808/what-is-truth

In our dystopian sub-culture of “fake news,” half-truths, whole-cloth fabrications and false narratives in which truth is what President Trump says it is and science is fiction, it isn’t always simple to disentangle truth from the deluge of prevarication and misrepresentations which is Trump’s stock in trade  — and he knows it. Who can fact check it all fast enough? The old saying remains relevant: “A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.”

And speaking of quotes which remain relevant, try these on for wise:

Carlyle said, “A lie cannot live.” It shows he did not know how to tell them. –Mark Twain

If at first you’re not believed, lie, lie again.–Evan Esar (not Trump, believe it or not)

The pursuit of truth shall set you free, even if you never catch up with it. –Clarence Darrow

It is twice as hard to crush a half-truth as a whole lie. –Austin O’Malley

Truth is more important than facts. –Frank Lloyd Wright

All men are born truthful and die liars. –Marquis de Vauvenargues

And so it goes. Would I lie to you?

 

LEFTOVER STARS

A lot of stars have flown over the bridge since my last stars turn (June 8), which I abandoned mid-post, and which was to be continued when browsers no longer go on the blink and Jupiter aligns with Mars — like, maybe after the dawning of the….

With so much happening in our wayward world, you’re forgiven if you’ve forgotten my intention to follow up. But that doesn’t mean you’re spared these leftovers — because it dawned on me even back then that….

Speaking of remembering, I’d like to note the passing eight days ago of Vera Lynn at age 103. I know of no more popular English female vocalist, especially during WW II when she toured Egypt, India, and Burma entertaining British troops, who named her their favorite musical artist. A brilliant new star shines in the heavens this month.

You may have gathered by now, friends, that the Firefox fix is finally in. Actually (and unbelievably), as I was preparing this post yesterday, I stumbled upon a way to copy music videos to my blog — so, between today’s fix and yesterday’s good fortune (my technological ignorance notwithstanding), I’m feeling so sky high, I could reach up and grab….

With a shout out of appreciation to those readers who offered possible solutions to my tech problems, I’ll close out this series of star songs with THE star female vocalist of the 20th century:

THE FIX IS OFF (for now)

Something has come up to postpone my out-of-town daughter’s Father’s Day visit until the following weekend ….so my browser problem will remain on hold, and without resolution, until the (offspring’s) fix is in. Meanwhile, back at the rant, I’ve finished reading the outspoken CARROLL O’CONNOR’s autobiography wherein he vents about many things. So, to fill in, let’s take up where my last post left off. After all, it’s All In The Family.

O’Connor had a very varied pre-Archie Bunker life. Like many in their early adult years, he couldn’t find his niche. “I could not shake off a feeling of foolishness—a man of 26 plodding through the days and months with no plan, no answer for anyone who might ask “What are you going to do with yourself?” The eventual answer, after many dead-end turns, turned out to be acting….and, finally, stardom (which came with an Archie Bunker mentality).

I — no doubt like most who read autobiographies — do so primarily to learn more about the author, his/her life and times. But I’ll also admit to the guilty pleasure of learning what the author thought of well-known contemporaries — in fact, such opinions may offer insights into other personalities and professions, which broaden (for better or worse) what I thought I knew about them. So, what were O’Connor’s impressions of….

JOHN WAYNE: “He perceived America as the preeminent hero-nation, virtually a land of heroes in which he himself felt heroic (and actually was, as I knew him) and infused that perception into all his roles as naturally as if it were one of the primary  emotions.”

JEAN STAPLETON: “Jean’s idea of Edith Bunker was not only original and perfectly suited to the American audience, but very comical and emotionally moving. If ever anything on television changed the country, not radically, not even obviously, it was the performance of Jean and the example of Edith. Did our series effectively attack bigotry and racism? We thought so at the time –”

HARRY TRUMAN: “Nobody expected Truman to take part in a Korean civil war, if one should begin. His military chiefs had no battle plan; on the contrary, they had a plan for getting out of the way — withdrawing to Japan. I thought Truman was totally wrong — his political vision faulty, his practical leadership unintelligent, his moral justification false. For me, the issue of morality in war– whether or not it is a “just war” — turns on the question of choice. When you wage war because you have no choice you are acting justly. But when you have a reasonable choice and choose to wage war, you can’t call your war just.”

MOVIE WRITERS, “though marvelously reliable in inventing space creatures — shriveled humanoids and hugely swollen insects — are unreliable in depicting intelligent life on earth.”

AGENTS “are generally shrewd, knowing, clever people; good company, good friends. They have made my career; they make all careers; they are the most important people in the business.”

ACTORS: “I shall never forget my first professional play rehearsal at The Gaiety Theatre, Dublin, in the spring of 1951 — the immediate cordiality of my new friends the actors: they greeted me like an intimate. Now after all these years I am still unfailingly comforted, encouraged and elated in the company of actors. There is something about the work these dear neurotics do, investigating every kind of human character, that  develops in them an extraordinary tolerance, forgiveness and good humor. I commend their company even to normal folk.”

….and I commend this book of Carroll’s to you.

MAY DAYS

What do you say — may I interest you in the music of May? You see, I haven’t posted for a spell, but I don’t think I want to disturb a single brain cell — though I fear somewhere in my sphere the strain’s already rung a bell, as near I can tell. So, before I go too far, let’s get to the tunes, most of which may be before your time….but at least you won’t have to suffer (much) more of my rhyme.

I’ll start with two versions of my favorite May song, the first sung by the great Mel Tormé:

This second (and earlier) version is by British crooner Al Bowlly, who was tragically killed in a German air raid on London during WW II:

Now, let’s see — where are we? Oh, yes — we’re….

Let us say ‘fini’ appropriately:

INTERNATIONAL JAZZ DAY

April 30 is INTERNATIONAL JAZZ DAY. Mistermuse could write a book about jazz, but many books have already been authored by jazz writers more authoritative than he, so mistermuse will settle for doing a post — and on this post, he has a chick who can sing a lick here, scat a lick there, wing a lick everywhere:

You may think that’s hotter than a chicken wing or a pig on a spit — but here’s a cat who can scat too, and when he blows his bugle, he’s even….

Is your computer smoking yet? We don’t want to alarm the Firehouse brigade, so before your pc bursts into a

….let’s do one number more and stop at four, because….