WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE

When misfortune comes, take it like a man–blame it on your wife. –Evan Esar

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Many of us suffer an unanticipated misfortune at some point in our lives. It could be the missed fortune of being left out of the will of a rich cousin you loved like a brother (until the ungrateful s.o.b. left every cent he had to his actual brother)….or it could be distress under duress, like your mistress taking egress, leaving you in a mess, no less, with your wife. Or, if you are a wife, perhaps you got wind of, not only the mistress on the side, but the ‘steady at the ready’ and the ‘wench on the bench’ (otherwise known as having too many loins in the fire). Yes, friends, misfortune is an ill wind which blows no good…

Now, far be it from mistermuse to blame his misfortunes on his wife. As a matter of tact, if it weren’t for my wife, I don’t know what I would do (or is it, wouldn’t do?). Yes, friends, mistermuse has been a sappily married man for 49 years, 10 months, and 13 days now, and I can honestly say it doesn’t seem like a day over 49 years, 10 months, and 12 days.

That said, game on. Let’s see what other men have had to say on the subject:

Wives are people who feel that they don’t dance enough. –Groucho Marx

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who treats her as if she were a perfectly natural being? –Oscar Wilde

If Presidents can’t do it to their wives, they do it to their countries. –Mel Brooks

No matter how happily married a woman may be, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not. –H. L. Mencken

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. –Socrates

Some wives are like fishermen: they think the best ones got away. –Evan Esar

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. –Patrick Murray

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received over a hundred replies: “You can have mine.” –Anonymous

NOTE: The last quote is absolutely NOT mine!

LIAR, LIAR, RANTS ON FIRE

One of my readers, who is obviously a glutton for punishment, recently expressed disappointment that I haven’t posted more of my poems lately. At the risk of triggering that old axiom BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, I thank her for having inspired me to address the deficiency thusly:

DECEIT DON’T STAND

As the twig is bent,
so grows the tree.
As the die is cast,
so shall it be.

If these be true,
why is it wise:
The Donald gets a pass
when he tells those lies?

Of course, I should also thank the President, without whose daily rants my inspiration for this poem would doubtless lie dormant. And now for a word from the truly wise about lies:

Carlyle said, “A lie cannot live”; it shows he did not know how to tell them. –Mark Twain

A man comes to believe in the end the lies he tells about himself to himself. –George Bernard Shaw

I admire liars, but surely not liars so clumsy they cannot fool even themselves. –H. L. Mencken

Pretending that you believe a lie is also a lie. –Arthur Schnitzler

If at first you’re not believed, lie, lie again. –Evan Esar

Not sure why the video is black. Maybe because the lies it laments aren’t white ones. But the sound is clear, and the voice shines through the darkness.

 

 

 

POLITICAL ANIMALS

Friends, if you think that a dog was elected U.S. President in the last election, you should live in Rabbit Hash, KY, where, in January (the very month Trump was sworn in as Pres), a PIT BULL was ‘indawgurated’ as the town’s fourth canine mayor since 1998:

The Rabbit Hash election may have been the pit’s, but there’s no denying the popularity of the dog mayor. As town historian Don Clare said last week, “People are tired of the political climate of lying. I think humans are finally coming to their senses after all we’ve been through in the last seven months. You just can look at a dog’s face and know that he is true blue and not trying to fake you.”

Long-time followers of this blog may recall that I’ve hopped on down the bunny trail to the nearby town of Rabbit Hash and posted in the past about the former mayor (border collie Lucy Lou)….but now I come to find that Rabbit Hash isn’t alone in having animal mayors. At first, this may get your goat, butt hang in there; at second, it’s the cat’s meow:

There have also been animals elected to political office in several small towns in Washington state, Minnesota and elsewhere, but alas, it seems that most voters aren’t as enlightened as their Rabbit Hash counterparts, and continue to elect less deserving humans (though it must be admitted that some have been jackasses). But then, as H.L. Mencken pointed out: Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise than religion has made them good.

I will close with a few ass-inine quotes as examples of why humans leave a lot to be desired as political animals:

Once you’ve seen one ghetto, you’ve seen them all. –Spiro Agnew, former Maryland Governor and U.S. Vice President

[On my commission, I have] every kind of mix you can have. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple. –James Watt, former U.S. Interior Secretary

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. –George Stephanopolous (when he was an aide to Bill Clinton)

As for yours truly, I haven’t posted all of the quotes I intended to post, but as they say of Trump’s tweets, enough is enough.

 

MARRIAGE TO A-MUSE

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? –Groucho Marx

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My wife and I celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary yesterday. You may think that, unlike the 50th, a 48th wedding anniversary is no big deal — and I wouldn’t disagree. But, being in need of an idea for this post, I wasn’t about to look a gift source in the mouth; thus, yesterday’s anniversary became my inspiration to write about….divorce.

Ha ha — just kidding (my wife might kill me if I were serious). This post will, of course, be about MARRIAGE….a fate which, as fates go, beats being killed (almost) any day. Ha ha ha. Just kidding again! Lest there be any doubt concerning my true feelings about marriage:

Yes, just as in the song, ask the local gentry, and they will say it’s elementary. But why stop with the local gentry? I believe my readers are nothing if not broad minded:

Marriage is the most licentious of human institutions — that is the secret of its popularity. –George Bernard Shaw

Getting married, like getting hanged, is a great deal less dreadful than it has been made out. –H. L. Mencken

It’s no disgrace for a woman to make a mistake in marrying — every woman does it. –Ed Howe

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. –Michel de Montaigne

Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes. –J. B. Priestley

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. –Prince Philip

Marriage is a feminine plot to add to a man’s responsibilities and subtract from his rights. –Evan Esar

Before marriage, a man declares he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his paper to talk to you. –Helen Rowland

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. –Honore de Balzac

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

Ha ha ha ha….I mean, Yes, dear — I’m listening. Seriously.

 

MISTER-MUSE AND SUR-VEYS

We thought of ourselves as the lion….king of all he surveys. –Wordreference Forums

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April 30 is NATIONAL HONESTY DAY, which I was considering making the subject of this post….but, to be honest, I already been there/done that (April 30, 2014) before most of you truth seekers had the misfortune to discover and become addicticated to my blog. But never you fear / be of good cheer / that post is as near / as if it were here:

IT’S NATIONAL HONESTY DAY — HONEST!

Back to the present, I ain’t lion: needing something else to write about posthaste, I got an idea from (click) this cartoon which appeared a few days ago in the local paper.

What with all the surveys and pseudo-surveys we’re bombarded with these days (even some news links on my Internet Explorer home page require answering a survey before proceeding), why shouldn’t I get in on the act with my own survey? Then I came across the following and, truth being stranger than fishin’, I’m thinkin’ perhaps I should be careful what I fish for:

10 Most Bizarre Survey Finds

So, Mister Muse will limit Sir Vey to one question: if what you don’t know can’t hurt you, why is clueless humanity so screwed up? If nothing else, those “Survey Finds” only confirm my faith in H. L. Mencken’s opinion of the American public (and, by extension,  the rest of the world).

So there you have it, human-family feuders. Survey says:

P.S. Honestly, I wonder if Noah ever answered God’s survey?

DOLLARS TO DOUGH-NUTS

Like a full moon, the mere thought of lots of money seems to make some people crazy. No doubt you’ve noticed with lotteries, for example, that the higher the jackpot, the more people play the lottery. I mean (leaving aside the astronomical odds against winning), what could you do with $500+ million that you couldn’t do with $250+ million — except maybe buy a sports team, put your money where your political ideology is (think Koch Brothers),  or build a Trump Tower-like monument to your ego?

So I found it refreshing to read recently about a guy who not only didn’t let dough go to his head, but stood income inequality on its head: Dan Price, a successful Seattle business owner who decided to help the people who helped him grow his business, by lowering his almost $1 million annual salary to $70,000 and increasing the salary of his 120 employees to that same level. According to Bloomberg Business data, America’s CEO-to-worker pay has increased 1,000% (to a ratio of 300+ to 1) since 1950. Price believed he could make the ratio 1-to-1 without raising prices or decreasing services to customers, and Price was right. Employee morale grew even stronger and business thrived. As a result of this heresy, he was named 2014 Entrepreneur of the year by Entrepreneur Magazine. I suspect it’s not a magazine run by conservatives.

As entrepreneur of this blog, I will now attempt to improve your morale by turning the remainder of this post over to the musings of others on the matter of money and affiliated subjects:

Where I was brought up, we never talked about money because there was never enough to furnish a topic of conversation. –Mark Twain

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop. –Bo Derek

The chief ingredient that makes expensive merchandise so expensive is profit. –Evan Esar

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. –Henny Youngman

The only thing wealth does for some people is to make them worry about losing it. —Antoine Rivarol

Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men. –Sydney J. Harris

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. —H.L.  Mencken

The definition of a living wage depends upon whether you are getting it or giving it. –Evan Esar

I spent a lot of money on booze, broads and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. –George Best

The leaders of the French Revolution excited the poor against the rich; this made the rich poor, but it never made the poor rich. –Fisher Ames

There are two classes of people: the have-nots and the have-yachts. –Evan Esar

Greed is not a money issue. It’s a heart issue. –Andy Stanley

 

 

POLITICS – THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST PROFESSION

With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law. And every time they make a law, it’s a joke. -Will Rogers

Mistermuse recently asked himself Why, if he likes jokes so much, he can’t stand politicians. After all, if it weren’t for politicians and the like, he would have to come up with all-original material for his posts instead of incorporating the likes of the above quote.

So mistermuse tells himself it’s like taking the old Christian admonition to “hate the sin but love the sinner” and (as an ex-Christian in good standing) converting it: abhor the politicial sinners but adore the political sins. And what better time to put that into practice than the final days of interminable political ads before the merciful mid-terminal elections….starting with a sobering example of political confession:

It must have happened during one of my drunken stupors. –Rob Ford (former mayor of Toronto) when a video of him smoking crack cocaine was uncovered by police months after he repeatedly denied its existence.

America is the only country where you can go on the air and kid politicians, and where politicians go on the air and kid the people. -Groucho Marx

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other. –Will Rogers

What’s the use of a third party when the country doesn’t know what to do with the two parties it has now? -Evan Esar

I will make a bargain with the Republicans: if they will stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. –Adlai Stevenson

I have never found in a long experience in politics that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance. –Harold Macmillan

To err is human, to blame it on the other party is politics. -S. Omar Barker

Congress is really made up of children that never grow up. -Will Rogers

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise than Christianity has made them good. -H. L. Mencken

And on that cautionary note, we note that next Tuesday is election day — vote for the lesser of two devils, even if you think it only encourages them.

 

 

WELL, COME DRESSED FOR JEST

Creator: a comedian
whose audience is
afraid to laugh.
— H. L. Mencken

Comedian: a creator
whose audience is
arrayed to laugh.
— mistermuse

APRIL 3 IS INTERNATIONAL KISS MY ASS DAY

If ever someone invented a freedom-loving holiday, this is the day. July 4th may be Independence Day, but April 3rd is even more liberating (if less patriotic). July 4 is a federal holiday when servicemen present arms at certain ceremonies; April 3 is an international holiday when fed-up men present asses without ceremony — and if anyone doesn’t like it …. well, (s)he can smooch you-know-what. As for me, I’m going to present the liberated observations of other men, and take the rest of the day off (April 3 also happens to be Don’t Go To Work Day):

What distinguishes Independence Day from all other days is that both orators and artillerymen shoot blank cartridges.  –John Burroughs

Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.  –Will Rogers

Liberty, n. One of Imagination’s most precious possessions.  –Ambrose Bierce (THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY)

Liberty is being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves of the things we do like.  –Ernest Benn

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.  —Alan Dean Foster

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that you have to spend much of your life defending sons-of-bitches.  –H. L. Mencken

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.  —Soren Kierkegaard

The greatest freedom of speech [is] the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.  –Woodrow Wilson

Give me liberty or give me drink.  –Patrick O’Henry

The last word goes (as usual, ha ha) to a woman:

Please feel free to contact me with other matters that are of importance to you. I am honored to serve as your representative in the U. S. Congress. i think you’re an asshole.  –Jo Ann Emerson (letter sent to constituent; she subsequently claimed no knowledge of how the last line got added)