Tagged: humorous poem Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • mistermuse 12:04 am on October 7, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Bald Is Beautiful, , clip joint, corruption, , hair loss, haircut, , humorous poem, Lost Horizon, , quid pro quo, , Rudy Giuliani, ,   

    BALD AND FREE — HOW CAN THAT BE? (subtitle: The Bald And The Beautiful) 

    Nothing makes a woman feel as old as watching the bald spot increase on the top of her husband’s head. –Helen Rowland

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Oct. 7 is BALD AND FREE DAY, but personally, I’m not sure what one has to do with the other. I’m mostly bald, all right, but how free is a married man like me? Of course, I’m just kidding — my wife lets me out of my cage for an hour a week, even though I keep getting balder….and making her feel older. Maybe I shouldn’t be using that hour to get a haircut.

    HEADLONG RETREAT

    As the years go by, my barber
    Takes less and less time with my hair
    Which only serves to remind me
    That there’s less and less of it there.

    To be sure, I’m not the only one whose predicament may become a hair-raising experience:

    That gave me a headache just watching it. If only I could trust the dubious ads that involve spending my moo-lah to get to the root of the problem, I might risk springing for mo-hair….but snake oil aside, there must be a less painful way to restore a Lost Hairy zone:

    Hmm. I wonder whether that great humanit-hairian, Donald Trump, would mind parting with some of his spare hair if I could dig up some skullduggery by his political opponents? For example, much corruption has been reported in the Caribbean nation of Hairti — and it’s surely a lock that all of the Democratic Presidential contenders are involved. All I’d have to do is send my nosey friend, Fruity Giuliani, there on behalf of our Pres with a quid pro-boscis that the Pres of Hairti can’t ignore.

    On second thought, if Agent Orange went to my head, my wife might think I’m losing it along with my hair. I might as well keep to my cage, skip my weekly trip to the clip joint, and try to console myself that, after all is said and done….

    Now, if I can only convince my wife.

     
  • mistermuse 12:00 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , humorous poem, Let's Do It, lust, , , , , , , Uncle Sam   

    THE WAGES OF SIN TAX 

    Pardon the intrusion —
    I don’t mean to pry —
    But the deficit’s soaring;
    The figures don’t lie.

    Uncle Sam’s in a pickle —
    Needs money like mad —
    So he sent me to tell you
    You must pay to be bad.

    He’s taxed income and outgo
    And capital gains;
    Now, an excise on excess
    Is all that remains.

    Uncle wants to be fair —
    No sin taxes he’ll seek
    ‘less you go making love
    More than one time a week.

    I’m installing surveillance
    To monitor your behavior.
    Lusting under covers won’t save you —
    I’ll hear your cries to the Father of your Savior.

    But please don’t take this personal —
    It’s my job to listen and view it.
    Hey, you know what they say:
    Someone’s got to do it.

    So….

     

     

     

     

     
  • mistermuse 12:01 am on February 21, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humorous poem, man behind the curtain, parody, , , satisfaction guaranteed, set-ups   

    DON’T EXPLAIN — IT’S A PAIN! 

    The title of my last post got me thinking about how much time I spend on the first paragraph of most of my posts, introducing or setting up what I’m getting at — sort of what I’m doing now, except I realize that some set-ups are necessary and others could just as well be dispensed with, thereby freeing time for better things, such as reading your stuff (if that doesn’t ingratiate me with you, you’re just plain un-ingratiateable). My point is that this set-up is necessary in order to explain what I’m getting at here, OK?

    Now where was I? Oh, yes — inasmuch as the drain on my brain is a pain to explain, each of my next x number of posts will consist of a single poem, un-introduced and un-set up….so don’t be upset if you’re on your own to navigate the depths of such odes as this:

    IN THE HEAT OF NIGHT

    Now I lay me down to sleep;
    I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
    If I should die before I wake,
    I pray there’s been one helluva mistake.

    No need to get all hot and bothered if you don’t ‘dig it.’ Simply send $100 cash or money order (if you order before 10:01 a.m. next month, add $10.01 because I’m kinda busy right now) to the address on your screen, and you’ll receive an explanation that’s as transparent as the address on your screen. Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your dissatisfaction back. As our gift to you, the first 100 callers will also receive who-knows-what absolutely free (simply pay an additional $101 to cover the cost of bs&h*). This offer is limited to the first 100 callers, and because I’m not giving out my phone number, the odds against your being the 101st (or later) caller are all in your favor. So act NOW! And pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

    *bullshit and handling

     
  • mistermuse 12:00 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humorous poem, income tax, nonsense poem, , , stress   

    A TAXING SITUATION 

    Preparing an income tax return is like a girl preparing to go to the beach: you take off as much as the law allows. –Evan Esar

    Speaking of which, I’ve mustered enough resolve to start on my federal and state tax returns (rather than procrastinate ’til it’s almost too late, as I’ve done for decades), so I’m going to strip some preparation time from this post by re-publishing an old poem. But at least it’s for a good cause — ’cause if I don’t get a move on, that age-old last minute stress could cause an old-age heart attack, which would not be in my best interest.

    MAX AT TAX

    “Hello, Sam!”
    “Good morning, Max!”
    “Have you done
    your income tax?”
    “Taxing though
    it be to say,
    know I did
    it yesterday.”
    “Did you take
    your deductions?”
    “I deduced
    for reductions.”
    Four reduced?
    I laud your feat!”
    “I took off
    my hands and feet.”
    “That’s the way
    to keep ahead!”
    “Yes, I used
    my limbs in stead.”
    “Instead of
    head? Way to go!
    That’s the way
    to save some dough!”
    “Have you done
    your income tax?”
    “Goodbye, Sam!”
    “Good morning, Max!”

    ’nuff wisecracks! Jills and Jacks, here is Max on the stacks with the facts about tax, so relax:

     
    • Don Frankel 6:21 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      So long as it’s not a “pound of flesh”. You should be all right.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 7:46 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Max and I should be all right. It’s (Uncle) Sam I’m worried about. 😩

        Like

    • Ginger 8:56 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      How delightful! I feel the same way …

      Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 10:38 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I always wait until the last possible minute, because I always owe. Bigly, in most years,

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 10:59 am on March 25, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Now that Trump & the Repubs are turning their attention to tax reform (translation: lower taxes for the rich), you’ll be wanting to file early in the future, Ricardo, because you can claim you have a multi-million dollar annual income and get a big refund.

        Like

    • D. Wallace Peach 5:46 pm on March 27, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I haven’t even started. Ugh. Why did you have to remind me? I should call the IRS and find out when I’m getting the huge tax cut Trump promised me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 11:36 pm on March 27, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        If I’m not mistaken, Diana, the proposed Trump tax cut would benefit only about the wealthiest 1% of the American people, so unless you fall in that category, you might as well forget about that call….unless you want to tell the IRS you appreciate the great job they do enforcing Congress’s Byzantine tax laws 😩

        Liked by 2 people

        • D. Wallace Peach 8:23 am on March 28, 2017 Permalink

          I know. It was tongue in cheek. I even heard that for some of us peasants are taxes will actually go up.

          Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 10:16 am on March 28, 2017 Permalink

          Thanks, Diana. No doubt you recognized that my reply to your first comment was tongue in cheek also. I think one of the most interesting things about ‘tongue in cheek’ (besides whatever wit and humor it tries to employ to shine light on a muddled reality) is how it is received. We’ve probably all experienced someone not ‘getting’ what we intended to be tongue in cheek….as well as being someone who didn’t ‘get it’ ourselves. But goodwill/trust between sender and receiver is always the best assurance against a ‘cheeky’ reaction.

          Your humble peasant, mistermuse 🙂

          Like

    • heidi ruckriegel 5:54 am on March 28, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Have just done mine for the last tax year. Given our tax year goes from 1st July to 30th June, that’s not nearly as virtuous as it sounds. When there are several tiny part-time jobs and a shoebox full of receipts to add up, it keeps getting put into the do later pile. Hang on, what do you mean by federal AND state tax returns? Why are there two returns to do? We only have one and that’s more than enough!

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 10:30 am on March 28, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        It seems that tax reform/simplification is like the weather: everyone (especially politicians) talks about it, but no one ever does anything about it (and if they do, you can be pretty sure it won’t benefit us peasants). And yes, here in Ohio, we have state as well as federal tax returns to deal with — which reminds me, now that my federal is done, I’ve got to get to work on my state. 😩

        Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:00 am on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bitches, , humorous poem, itches, pitches, , , riches, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, , witches   

    AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES 

    Water, water, everywhere, / [And not a] drop to drink.
    –Samuel Taylor Coleridge, THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    So much I could write about, but of nothing can I think.
    Oh, fie on my dilemma, scheduled post day on the brink!
    Such embarrassment of riches is an albatross ’round my neck….
    All this water all about; sound the call: all rimes of “riches” on deck!

    An embarrassment of BITCHES: complaining to the max
    An embarrassment of DITCHES: the downside of digging, sore backs
    An embarrassment of GLITCHES: my computer is prone to upheaval
    An embarrassment of HITCHES: my computer is a necessary evil

    An embarrassment of ITCHES: too unreachable for scratching
    An embarrassment of KITCHES: bad taste beyond patching
    An embarrassment of MITCHES: too many friends named Mitchell
    An embarrassment of NICHES: easily found places that hide a missile

    An embarrassment of PITCHES: throes of what The Donald doth tout
    An embarrassment of RICHES: what this post is all about
    An embarrassment of STITCHES: what I hope this post’ll leave you in
    An embarrassment of WITCHES: wicked ones melt (they’re inhuman)

    NOTE: I didn’t want you to think I’m too big for my BRITCHES, so I left them off — the list, that is — WHICH IS cool with me and, I assume, with you.

     

     
    • scifihammy 4:31 am on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      haha Great rhymes 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Carmen 5:28 am on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You’re a genius, Mr. Muse!

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 6:38 am on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Now if you could only convince my family of that! Oh, well, it’s all relative (to paraphrase that other genius, Albert Einstein).

        Like

    • arekhill1 2:44 pm on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      In fine form you are today, Sr. Muse. Yeah, it’s National Talk Like Yoda Day.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 5:40 pm on September 25, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      At my age, to be in fine form with no britches on is stretching it, Ricardo — but I thank you nonetheless.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 6:15 am on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      “Double, double toil and trouble;
      Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.”

      Which doesn’t rhyme with Witches but it’s what they said. Just ask Macbeth.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Carmen 6:17 am on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        They were real weird sisters, eh Don? 😉

        Like

    • Don Frankel 9:46 am on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You got it Carmen but I think that’s the job description.

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:56 am on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the Macbeth reference, Don. Actually, I had WIZARD OF OZ in mind (“wicked ones melt”) when composing my “embarrassment of WITCHES” rhyme:

      By the way (speaking of Shakespeare),I thought perhaps the old idiom “an embarrassment of riches” may have originated with him, but it turns out that it comes from a 1726 French play titled “L’Embarras des richesses.”

      Like

    • Cynthia Jobin 2:35 pm on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      A most admirable way you make the switch from rhyming the center to rhyming the ends
.classy as Abercrombie and Fitch, delicious as a bacon flitch
 As a poet you have found your niche
which might make some folks twitch, but don’t worry, I won’t snitch. Well done, mistermuse!

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:14 pm on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thank you for adding a word to my vocabulary, Cynthia, as I hadn’t heard of the word “flitch,” which I find is a side of bacon (or as I would call it, a Ham-let, to go along with the previous reference to Macbeth). That’s a play on lard, courtesy of The Bard. 😩

      Liked by 1 person

    • Cynthia Jobin 11:13 pm on September 26, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      🙂

      Like

    • BroadBlogs 4:32 pm on September 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I’m assuming “bitches” is nongendered here. Or that it’s a good thing. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 11:21 pm on September 27, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You assume correctly, otherwise I might bitch about my meaning being misunderstood, which is not a good thing!

      Like

    • D. Wallace Peach 12:26 pm on September 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Ha ha ha. Very clever…and wha-la, a post 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Mark Scheel 2:25 pm on October 6, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Well, here everybody is. Found it–and, I see, I have been here before, long ago and far from memory. Anyhow, very clever language play. I commend you.

      Mark

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:05 am on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , humorous poem, Mount Ararat, Noah, , , , ,   

    OH, WHAT A RELIEF IT IS 

    Life is just a dirty four-letter word: w-o-r-k.  –J. P. McEvoy, writer/comic strip creator

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    If you have a job that stinks because your caseload is overwhelming (like maybe social work, child welfare or criminal court), you can probably relate to this:

    http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2016/01/09/3737789/ohio-judge-poem-mocks-inmate/

    If I’m any judge, that’s a Judge (and fellow Ohioan) who knows how to do creative “sentencing” — a Cain who is able, as Judge Cain himself might pun. As a poet, I see poetry as a way to express myself creatively, but the above case demonstrates that poetry is also good for getting a load off one’s mind. Take those times I’m on the throne, dumping a commodious b. m. — I’d liken it to killing two turds with one stone, because at times, it may be the only place I find peace and quiet to compose the poems I post….such as this com-post:

    THE REAL POOP BEHIND THE FLOOD

    Noah did build a mighty ark;
    He worked by day and he worked by dark.

    From lands afar he gathered pairs
    Of kangaroos and polar bears,

    Of groundhogs and water buffalo,
    And every creature, bound to go

    With him o’er deserts, swamps and seas,
    Across the Alps and Pyrenees,

    Taking those beasties from where they were at,
    Straight to his ark for a cruise to Mount Ararat,

    Got them on board, two of each species,
    Ere long to amass a mess of feces,

    And though the elephants brought their trunks,
    Two hoses could but horse with a stench like skunks.

    Fortunately, as much as decks stinked,
    Dinosaurs and mastodons had become extinct.

    But how do we know Noah knew their gender?
    The pairs multiplied like rabbits by THE ENDer….

     
    • Michaeline Montezinos 12:47 am on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Although I have not composed a poem when on the pot, I have to admire someone who has done it a lot. Unless I’m wrong and this was only one occurrence, I hope you face the throne with calm assurance. Very witty and punny poem mistermuse.. Thanks for enlighterning us about the critters on the Ark. I can picture Noah’s family and friends itching to find land after days parked on that hill with the stench growing stronger still .

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 8:28 am on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        For my poem to have inspired you to such eloquence, Michaeline, I can truly rest assured that my hard work on the throne was worth the effort. In fact, I think your rhyme is so sublime that you should run for Judge there in Florida and (as an ex-Ohioan) show Floridians how we put criminals — not to mention stool pigeons — in their place.

        Like

    • ladysighs 6:18 am on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      LOL

      Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 11:22 am on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      That judge is hard on your heels for the title of Poop Poet Laureate of your Midwestern state, Sr. Muse.

      Like

    • mistermuse 1:45 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Hopefully, as long as the judge keeps his day job on the bench and I keep my play job on the throne, I will remain Poop Poet Prince. I could say more, but that’s the long and shit of it, Ricardo.

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 3:29 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Once you get going, Mister Muse, with the “Princely potty” jokes, you start to “roll.” Its okay with me as long ” you enjoy the go .” Those Charmin Bears on the television, which you said you did not always watch, are usually exclaiming how tidy, soft and complete their toilet tissue has been with their running to the “John.” Whomever John is I pity him. Mama Charmin Bear must make a lot of chili. I think she uses “kidney” beans. That explains the “running” and the copious supply of Charmin in her cupboard. I hope this mono log” has not discouraged you. After all is said and “done” you can also read newspaper. At the condo Where we lived before Florida, I discovered why our news paper disappeared before could go down stairs to retrieve it.

        Like

    • mistermuse 6:08 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t remember saying anything about Charmin Bears, Michaeline — in fact, I bear-ly remember them on television at all. But I do think newspapers can serve as more than reading material – at least, that’s what I advise my wife when she tells me we’re running low on toilet paper. 🙂

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 6:43 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I write so much that my computer “freezes.” Then I cannot finish or proofread what I wrote. That is a “bum”mer,. “Butt” at least I got the main idea of “what I was trying to get out.” Oh My! Now I can’t stop with the potty jokes and puns. Help! I am sinking into the doo doo of my life’s S##T Hole. I’ve gone from naughty to not nice. Sorry, mistermuse and others here on this web site. Me BAD !

        Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 6:48 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      We’ve always been told that it all comes out in the end but now I have to wonder… does it?

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 8:41 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      It has been said that a pun is the lowest form of humor, which makes sense, if it all comes out in the end. But I agree with Oscar Levant, who said a pun is the lowest form of humor — when you didn’t think of it first.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:26 am on January 21, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      He was also an excellent pianist (and good friend of George Gershwin – I have an old 78 rpm record album of him playing Gershwin’s RHAPSODY IN BLUE).

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 7:41 pm on January 22, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        When TCM has the movie about George Gershwin’s life, I watch it not so much for the acting. I love the music and like the tile of this movie RHAPSODY IN BLUE. I wait until the actor plays the title song and I can feel the sidewalks of New York, and see the bridges that span the Hudson River. I do not own any of the record but I do enjoy the magic of Gershwin’s songs.

        Liked by 1 person

    • BroadBlogs 5:58 pm on January 22, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Clever.

      I had never thought about this before, but good question: But how do we know Noah knew their gender?

      Liked by 1 person

    • hooklineandinkwell 10:56 am on January 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Brilliantly penned. I find the throne to be the quietest place where poet and thoughts assemble to flush the crap of the day away and out of it draw a breath of creativity. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 11:52 am on January 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thank you. I hope you’ve never had to write any “Dear John” letters on the throne. 🙂

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:01 am on December 15, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Christmas song, , humorous poem, , , , tongue twister, wish list   

    MARRYING MADE MAID MARY MERRY 

    Mary Christmas is her name.
    Merry Christmas is her game.
    So, Merry Christmas, Mary Christmas!
    Merry, the way you made your list less
    The merry day you lined off your wish list
    The last name that you became
    When you married Mister Christmas.

    And now you’ve heard the gospel of how Christmas, Mister,
    Made Maid Mary’s Merry Little Christmas….a tongue twister.

     

     
    • ladysighs 6:59 am on December 15, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I said the twister twice. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 7:46 am on December 15, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      The title is the real twister. It was on the tip of my tongue before it came tripping to my mind. 🙂

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:23 pm on December 15, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I couldn’t even say it once. But I think we need a little music.

      Like

    • mistermuse 6:00 pm on December 15, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I actually considered Sinatra’s rendition of MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS but decided on Judy Garland’s because it’s the scene from the film MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS with little Margaret O’Brien, a film I like a lot….as I do the song. But you can’t go wrong with either version.

      Like

    • arekhill1 3:21 pm on December 23, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Have yourself a merry Christmas, Sr. Muse. Or Chrismakwanzzakuh, or Festivus, however it pleases you.

      Like

    • mistermuse 9:10 pm on December 23, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Likewise, man….and may all your satire be a satori of sartorial splendor (or words to that effect).

      Like

  • mistermuse 1:17 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , humorous poem,   

    LET OSPREY 

    Lord love a duck,
    And the flighty flea;
    Yet the skink liz., I think is
    More grounded than we’ll ever bee.

    And Lord love a fly
    (Only God knows why) —
    While no toucan swat flies, you can….though
    It takes deet-o to defeat-o a mosquito.

    Which leads one to wonder
    What makes parasites tick?
    Ticks are such louses,
    They damn well make me sick.

    Pray tell, when hyenas laugh,
    Are they howling at jokes?
    When possums play dead,
    Are they living a hoax?

    Do hummingbirds hum
    ’cause they don’t know the words?
    Why don’t emus fly?
    Do they think they’re not birds?

    Do deer mice to mere mice
    Write “Dear Mouse” letters?
    Do billy goats bill,
    Willy-nilly, billy goat debtors?

    How hip are hippos?
    Do garter snakes wear socks?
    Are sockeye salmon
    From the school of hard knocks?

    Do caribou care?
    Do antelope elope?
    When push comes to shove,
    Can two cockatoos cope?

    If given an inch,
    Will inchworms grow feet?
    Are fool pigeons stool pigeons
    When they rat on the street?

    What makes a dog bark?
    Does it think it’s a tree?
    And why do owls look wise?
    They must think that they’re me.

     
    • Michaeline Montezinos 1:46 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I got the heeby jeebies reading this tome
      Please tell me those animals don’t live in your home
      For company may visit but never come back
      Could be those yak antlers you use as a rack.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 1:55 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      No need to worry, Michaeline:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmgaTPz63Bw

      Like

    • arekhill1 3:36 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Questions, Sr. Muse, that remained unasked by zoology until now. Most of them remain unanswered by contemporary researchers. Those people need to get on the stick.

      Like

    • mistermuse 3:55 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      That reminds me that I forgot to include elephants and donkeys in my poem, but the Repubs & Dems are already hogging all the attention, so they can do without mention from me .

      Like

    • Osyth 4:51 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Love this … it has a Spike (Milligan) like quality to it. This is huge praise

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 9:12 pm on July 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t think many Americans are familiar with the English comedian Spike Milligan — I wasn’t — so I watched his youtube clips IRISH ASTRONAUTS and IDIOT SCOUTS. Jolly good show, don’t you know! So….thanks for the comment and the exordium (it’s not often I get to use that word) to Milligan. 🙂

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:09 pm on July 30, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Kingdom
      Phylum
      Class
      Order
      Family
      Genus
      Species
      Poem

      Like

    • mistermuse 9:00 pm on July 30, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Don, except for “Poem,” that could be the Science Channel’s version of Eight is Enough.

      Like

    • BroadBlogs 1:22 pm on July 31, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Especially love these opening lines:

      Lord love a duck,
      And the flighty flea;
      Yet the skink liz., I think is
      More grounded than we’ll ever bee.

      Thanks for this, oh wise owl.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 6:00 pm on July 31, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m glad you said “oh wise owl” instead of “old wise owl” (although the latter would be closer to the truth).

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:24 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: dieting, dough, , , , humorous poem, Mother's Day, overweight, pants, , ,   

    DO YOU HAVE PANTY/WAIST PROBLEMS? 

    As you know, July 27 is one of the biggest holidays of the year: it’s TAKE YOUR PANTS FOR A WALK DAY. Now, those of us who take our pants (or panties) for a walk every day may wonder why there’s one special day set aside to celebrate such a normal, mundane activity. The answer, by way of analogy, is that most of us are mothers or fathers every day, but we still have single Mother’s and Father’s Days to honor what we do every day….unless, of course, we can afford to delegate the care of our offspring to a ritzy boarding school in France, or however parents who are wealthy get their darling little monster(s) out of their better-things-to-do lives for extended periods.

    Anyway, far be it from me not to take this walk day — and its health benefits — seriously. And yet, it seems to me that the idea of exercising your pants/panties is a red herringbone. Sure, your pants may be getting a tad tight around the middle, but is that your pants’ fault? Let’s face it — if your pants no longer fit, you’re getting fat, and a walk around the block isn’t going to do much for either you or your pants. You need to address the real problem — and luckily for you, I have the solution:

    THE WAGES OF THIN

    Overweight? Not to worry —
    You can lose it in a hurry!
    Here is all you knead to know:
    Inhibit your intake of dough.

    When, of dough, you indulges —
    Like your wallet, you get bulges.
    Don’t be all that you can be —
    Send half of all you make to me!

     
    • Michaeline Montezinos 12:26 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      very savvy mistermuse

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:18 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Such are the wages of sin that we deny the errors of our ways. Of course, I’m so svelte that I don’t have to worry about such things.

      Like

    • scifihammy 5:57 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      hahaha If it was that easy to lose weight, we’d all be super thin, and you’d be a billionaire! 🙂

      Like

    • mistermuse 6:15 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’ll settle for millionaire. 🙂

      Like

    • Don Frankel 7:06 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Don’t laugh guys. No wait laugh. It’s a funny poem but if you’re up late at night or early in the morning there are a plethora of people out there telling you just that. You can lose weight without dieting or exercising. Just buy the pills or the powder that you sprinkle on your food. It’s all for 29.99. Or you if you want to look like some Olympic styled athlete, buy the DVDs for… you guessed it fans $29.99. I’d rather read Muse.

      No wait! That’s an idea read funny poems, read satirical articles by Don and Richard and laugh. Laugh so much you forget to eat and then of course, lose weight! And, all of this for just…. $29.99. Seems to be the magic number.

      Like

    • mistermuse 9:47 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Readers can send my $29.99 directly to Richard as a tax-deductible contribution to his Presidential election campaign….at least, I think it’s tax deductible. On second thought, better send it to me so I can check it out. Better yet, send cash and I won’t have to check it out. What Richard doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

      Like

    • arekhill1 10:33 am on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      And there’s much I don’t know, hence much that doesn’t hurt me. In the words of the song, what a wonderful world.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Osyth 12:14 pm on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Love that … don’t blame the pants (which being English are Panties the Pant being known as a trouser) 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 3:53 pm on July 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Many thanks for the info. This is entirely within my mission of having a blog to go to for the real poop, if you’ll pardon my English. And the best part is that with contributions from knowledgeable sources like you, I come out smelling like a rose for attracting the best comments anywhere. 🙂

      Like

    • BroadBlogs 2:14 pm on July 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Who knew? Thanks for educating us. Nothing I love more than a good walk– Not many things, anyway. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will get a walk today. (Tear drop)

      Liked by 1 person

    • BroadBlogs 2:14 pm on July 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Oh, I just saw that this was posted yesterday. I did take a walk yesterday!

      Like

    • mistermuse 3:31 pm on July 28, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I forgive you, because I’m sure that’s the first mistake you’ve ever made. 🙂
      I, on the other hand, have never made any (since the last one). 😩

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:01 am on July 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , humorous poem, life after death   

    THE PROBLEM WITH LIFE AFTER DEATH 

    THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

    If you were God, would you
    really want the cantankerous,
    know-it-all ex-dwellers of
    planet Earth continuing to bedevil
    each other ad infinitum as your
    unable-to-get-along celestial guests
    (assuming, of course, that you
    have no doubt that You exist)?

     

     

     
    • Michaeline Montezinos 1:14 am on July 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Thoughtful and clever post, mistermuse

      Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 6:48 am on July 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Heaven is a gated community, Sr. Muse, where the gates are of the pearly variety. Consequently, you live eternally only with others in your socioeconomic strata. It would hardly be Heaven otherwise. Go to Purgatory if you want to mingle.

      Like

    • mistermuse 10:51 am on July 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      As an ex-Catholic, Purgatory is no longer an option. I would check to see if any other religions believe in Purgatory, but since I’m neither a mingler nor looking for a substitute religion, I think I’ll save myself the trouble.

      Anyway, I’m glad you don’t have to worry, Ricardo. I understand you already live in a gated community, so you’re all set.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 6:08 am on July 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I am that I am, if I am or is it I am what I am. Oh wait is that Popeye?

      Or maybe it is what you think it is. Or is it, it is what it is? I thought that last quote was Brian McNamee but it seems John Locke said it back in 1836 first. But then I always thought Arhnuld originated. “I’ll be back.” But I just caught John Wayne saying the other night in Fort Apache. Who can we trust or is it Whom?

      Like

    • mistermuse 6:57 am on July 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Don, it’s been a while, but now that you mention it, I do seem to recall John Wayne saying “I’ll be back” in Fort Apache. And would you believe I remember John Locke back in 1836 saying whatever he said?

      Who said you get forgetful in your old age! OK, I don’t remember. Nobody’s perfect.

      Like

    • MĂ©l@nie 9:26 am on July 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      with due respect, Sir, I do not believe in life after death, eventually in paradise… here’s a quote translated mot-Ă -mot:’Everything we do while sighing is stained by nothingness
 All our thoughts keep on searching the key of a paradise whose gate is already open.'(The ruins of the sky – Christian Bobin)

      • * *

      one more I used as a motto in one of my blogposts:“Your daily life is your temple and your religion
”(Khalil Gibran)

      • * *

      jamais 2 sans 3… I totally agree with Louis Aragon:”Il est grand temps d’instaurer la religion de l’amour!” – “it’s time to establish the religion of LOVE!” – amen! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:23 am on July 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Mel@nie, I can see how you might assume from my poem that I believe in life after death, but it would be just that: an assumption. In fact, I neither believe nor disbelieve in life after death. There may be exceptions, but generally speaking, what’s the point in believing OR disbelieving something that is humanly impossible to know? Actually, a number of my humorous poems (such as this one) attempt to show the absurdity of such a belief by taking it to one of its logical conclusions. I think humor works best when it not only amuses, but (hopefully) makes people think.

      Liked by 1 person

      • MĂ©l@nie 5:55 am on July 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        lu & approuvĂ© = read and approved… 🙂 exactement et absolument d’accord avec vous, Monsieur Muse… et voilĂ ! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

c
Compose new post
j
Next post/Next comment
k
Previous post/Previous comment
r
Reply
e
Edit
o
Show/Hide comments
t
Go to top
l
Go to login
h
Show/Hide help
shift + esc
Cancel