CHRISTMAS CAVEAT – GIFT ME NOT

When I posted THE TIES THAT BIND (Nov. 11), I thought it was a caveat emptor which put cravats behind me once and for all. But that was before my wife and other hangers-on started asking what I want for Christmas in the form of a wish list, which is of minor import compared to the things I DON’T want for Christmas — ties, of course, being #1 on that list.

The thing is, why should I strain my brain trying to think of what I want for Christmas when I have no idea what I want for Christmas….well, except for God to let me know if He really exists, because if He doesn’t, it’s high time the name of the holiday be changed to SANTA CLAUS DAY (inasmuch as everyone in Virginia and elsewhere knows YES, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS).

So I’m going to do the next best thing (actually, the best thing): compile a DO NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS list — a list of gifts it would make me most happy NOT to receive. Anything I get that isn’t on this list, I’ll do my best to appreciate (provided it doesn’t explode in my face or need to be fed):

1. A tie (already covered, but bears repeating)

2. Fruit cake (surprise, surprise)

3. An old-fashioned clock (it’s ticky)

4. Taco Bell gift card (it’s tacky)

5. A “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt (it’s ticky-tacky)

6. A twelve-pack of tubeless t.p. (see my Sept. 9 post “WHEN YOU GOTTA GO….”)

7. A lifetime pass to anything (at my age?)

8. Belly button brush (not needed – I keep my belly button covered with Scotch tape)

9. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet (Sp-Sp-Sp-Spare me)

10. _________ (to be filled in the day after Christmas/Santa Claus Day)

 

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6 comments on “CHRISTMAS CAVEAT – GIFT ME NOT

  1. scifihammy says:

    ha ha I like number 10 best 🙂

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  2. Don Frankel says:

    Good luck.

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  3. mistermuse says:

    I’m re-considering #5 – a “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt might be good to wear when in-laws visit. It lets them know I’m hip to what they’re calling me behind my back.

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  4. arekhill1 says:

    Sr. Muse, you know one of my habits is theological nitpicking, so may I remind you that in order to celebrate Christmas with the proper religious ardor, you not only have to believe in a God but also in a Jesus? As for even thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving, my personal faith forbids it.

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  5. mistermuse says:

    I was so brainwashed by my former Catholic faith that even now, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are inseparable, like three Persons in one God, the Three Musketeers in one novelist, the Three Stooges in one lunatic, the Three Amigos (Ricardo, Sir Don and mistermuse) in one blogospirit, etc.
    I’m with you on the Christmas before Thanksgiving thing, but obviously my wife isn’t, or she wouldn’t have asked for my Christmas wish list a week ago. I don’t ask for her wish list. I’ll wait until Christmas eve, go to Home Depot and buy her a nice snowblower – with luck, they’ll have enough of a selection left that I can get one in her favorite color.

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