When I posted THE TIES THAT BIND (Nov. 11), I thought it was a caveat emptor which put cravats behind me once and for all. But that was before my wife and other hangers-on started asking what I want for Christmas in the form of a wish list, which is of minor import compared to the things I DON’T want for Christmas — ties, of course, being #1 on that list.
The thing is, why should I strain my brain trying to think of what I want for Christmas when I have no idea what I want for Christmas….well, except for God to let me know if He really exists, because if He doesn’t, it’s high time the name of the holiday be changed to SANTA CLAUS DAY (inasmuch as everyone in Virginia and elsewhere knows YES, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS).
So I’m going to do the next best thing (actually, the best thing): compile a DO NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS list — a list of gifts it would make me most happy NOT to receive. Anything I get that isn’t on this list, I’ll do my best to appreciate (provided it doesn’t explode in my face or need to be fed):
1. A tie (already covered, but bears repeating)
2. Fruit cake (surprise, surprise)
3. An old-fashioned clock (it’s ticky)
4. Taco Bell gift card (it’s tacky)
5. A “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt (it’s ticky-tacky)
6. A twelve-pack of tubeless t.p. (see my Sept. 9 post “WHEN YOU GOTTA GO….”)
7. A lifetime pass to anything (at my age?)
8. Belly button brush (not needed – I keep my belly button covered with Scotch tape)
9. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet (Sp-Sp-Sp-Spare me)
10. _________ (to be filled in the day after Christmas/Santa Claus Day)