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  • mistermuse 12:56 pm on November 16, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Chia Pet, Christmas gift giving, fruit cake, , , , , When you gotta go,   

    CHRISTMAS CAVEAT – GIFT ME NOT 

    When I posted THE TIES THAT BIND (Nov. 11), I thought it was a caveat emptor which put cravats behind me once and for all. But that was before my wife and other hangers-on started asking what I want for Christmas in the form of a wish list, which is of minor import compared to the things I DON’T want for Christmas — ties, of course, being #1 on that list.

    The thing is, why should I strain my brain trying to think of what I want for Christmas when I have no idea what I want for Christmas….well, except for God to let me know if He really exists, because if He doesn’t, it’s high time the name of the holiday be changed to SANTA CLAUS DAY (inasmuch as everyone in Virginia and elsewhere knows YES, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS).

    So I’m going to do the next best thing (actually, the best thing): compile a DO NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS list — a list of gifts it would make me most happy NOT to receive. Anything I get that isn’t on this list, I’ll do my best to appreciate (provided it doesn’t explode in my face or need to be fed):

    1. A tie (already covered, but bears repeating)

    2. Fruit cake (surprise, surprise)

    3. An old-fashioned clock (it’s ticky)

    4. Taco Bell gift card (it’s tacky)

    5. A “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt (it’s ticky-tacky)

    6. A twelve-pack of tubeless t.p. (see my Sept. 9 post “WHEN YOU GOTTA GO….”)

    7. A lifetime pass to anything (at my age?)

    8. Belly button brush (not needed – I keep my belly button covered with Scotch tape)

    9. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet (Sp-Sp-Sp-Spare me)

    10. _________ (to be filled in the day after Christmas/Santa Claus Day)

     

     
    • scifihammy 12:31 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      ha ha I like number 10 best 🙂

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    • Don Frankel 9:27 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Good luck.

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    • mistermuse 9:54 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I’m re-considering #5 – a “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt might be good to wear when in-laws visit. It lets them know I’m hip to what they’re calling me behind my back.

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    • arekhill1 10:37 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sr. Muse, you know one of my habits is theological nitpicking, so may I remind you that in order to celebrate Christmas with the proper religious ardor, you not only have to believe in a God but also in a Jesus? As for even thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving, my personal faith forbids it.

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    • mistermuse 2:24 pm on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I was so brainwashed by my former Catholic faith that even now, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are inseparable, like three Persons in one God, the Three Musketeers in one novelist, the Three Stooges in one lunatic, the Three Amigos (Ricardo, Sir Don and mistermuse) in one blogospirit, etc.
      I’m with you on the Christmas before Thanksgiving thing, but obviously my wife isn’t, or she wouldn’t have asked for my Christmas wish list a week ago. I don’t ask for her wish list. I’ll wait until Christmas eve, go to Home Depot and buy her a nice snowblower – with luck, they’ll have enough of a selection left that I can get one in her favorite color.

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  • mistermuse 12:00 am on April 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: April 23, cheese-cake, , fruit cake, , Jane Monheit, , Lover's Day, , , Zucchini bread   

    BOYS AND GIRLS, BREAD AND CAKE 

    Guess what, boys and girls — today is the day you’ve been waiting for: April 23 is NATIONAL ZUCCHINI BREAD DAY! I don’t know about you, boys and girls, but there’s nothing I like more than zucchini bread, unless it’s fruit cake (but you only get that at Christmas time — it’s the law). Fortunately, boys and girls, you can have zucchini bread anytime. And best of all, it’s good for you — it’ll put muscle on your bustle and hair on your chest (much the same as bourbon whiskey, which the law also prohibits until a certain time, like when you come of age….unless you live in Kentucky, where baby bottles have never known milk).

    Anyway, children, it’s time for you to butt out, because the rest of this tale is for BIG boys and girls, and you’ve already taken up too much of my valuable time (ha ha, just kidding, you annoying little juvenile delinquents). I’ll give you another heads-up about another tasty treat on another day, but until then, you can sleep the sleep of the unconditionally loved, knowing that others are thinking of you with relish:

    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/How/To/Cook_Children

    And now let us turn to the April 23rd adult stuff (and I don’t mean naughty calendars for cheese-cake lovers). I’m talking about TAKE A CHANCE DAY and LOVER’S DAY, which are also celebrated on April 23. Luckily for you, I’m old enough to remember an old standard which combines those adulterously-suggestive sentiments in one song; here are two versions of this classic tune for your listening and (in the case of the first clip) viewing pleasure:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjpQ2hoj6J0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5np55T5gWY

     
    • Don Frankel 7:39 am on April 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      How to Cook Children of course brings to mind.

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    • mistermuse 9:38 am on April 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      TWILIGHT ZONE and ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS – two of the greatest TV series of the 1950s-60s, or any period. Thanks, Don!

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