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  • mistermuse 12:56 pm on November 16, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Chia Pet, Christmas gift giving, , , , , toilet paper, When you gotta go,   


    When I posted THE TIES THAT BIND (Nov. 11), I thought it was a caveat emptor which put cravats behind me once and for all. But that was before my wife and other hangers-on started asking what I want for Christmas in the form of a wish list, which is of minor import compared to the things I DON’T want for Christmas — ties, of course, being #1 on that list.

    The thing is, why should I strain my brain trying to think of what I want for Christmas when I have no idea what I want for Christmas….well, except for God to let me know if He really exists, because if He doesn’t, it’s high time the name of the holiday be changed to SANTA CLAUS DAY (inasmuch as everyone in Virginia and elsewhere knows YES, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS).

    So I’m going to do the next best thing (actually, the best thing): compile a DO NOT WANT FOR CHRISTMAS list — a list of gifts it would make me most happy NOT to receive. Anything I get that isn’t on this list, I’ll do my best to appreciate (provided it doesn’t explode in my face or need to be fed):

    1. A tie (already covered, but bears repeating)

    2. Fruit cake (surprise, surprise)

    3. An old-fashioned clock (it’s ticky)

    4. Taco Bell gift card (it’s tacky)

    5. A “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt (it’s ticky-tacky)

    6. A twelve-pack of tubeless t.p. (see my Sept. 9 post “WHEN YOU GOTTA GO….”)

    7. A lifetime pass to anything (at my age?)

    8. Belly button brush (not needed – I keep my belly button covered with Scotch tape)

    9. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet (Sp-Sp-Sp-Spare me)

    10. _________ (to be filled in the day after Christmas/Santa Claus Day)


    • scifihammy 12:31 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      ha ha I like number 10 best 🙂


    • Don Frankel 9:27 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Good luck.


    • mistermuse 9:54 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I’m re-considering #5 – a “WHO YOU CALLING AN OLD FART?” T-shirt might be good to wear when in-laws visit. It lets them know I’m hip to what they’re calling me behind my back.


    • arekhill1 10:37 am on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sr. Muse, you know one of my habits is theological nitpicking, so may I remind you that in order to celebrate Christmas with the proper religious ardor, you not only have to believe in a God but also in a Jesus? As for even thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving, my personal faith forbids it.


    • mistermuse 2:24 pm on November 17, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I was so brainwashed by my former Catholic faith that even now, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are inseparable, like three Persons in one God, the Three Musketeers in one novelist, the Three Stooges in one lunatic, the Three Amigos (Ricardo, Sir Don and mistermuse) in one blogospirit, etc.
      I’m with you on the Christmas before Thanksgiving thing, but obviously my wife isn’t, or she wouldn’t have asked for my Christmas wish list a week ago. I don’t ask for her wish list. I’ll wait until Christmas eve, go to Home Depot and buy her a nice snowblower – with luck, they’ll have enough of a selection left that I can get one in her favorite color.


  • mistermuse 10:17 am on September 7, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , toilet paper   


    Toilet paper has been on a roll for well over 100 years, but that may be about to come to an end. Kimberly-Clark Corp., which makes Scott products, recently announced that it has developed a tubeless toilet paper roll aimed at reducing waste — paper waste, that is:


    According to Scott’s brand manager, “You just put it on the spindle like regular bath tissue, and when you get to that last sheet, it just rolls off. There’s no wasted cardboard tube left behind.” That is certainly good news to those of us who don’t want anything left behind….or right behind either, for that matter.

    Although paper used specifically for this purpose dates back centuries, the first packaged t.p. in America was produced in 1857 in flat sheets, with the rolled and perforated advancement turning up about twenty years later. Previously, Americans commonly used corncobs and pages torn from newspapers, magazines and the Sears, Roebuck catalogue (AKA the Rears and Sorebutt catalogue). Then, in 1935, Northern Tissue came out with “splinter-free” t.p. (earlier production methods sometimes left splinters in the paper). Thankfully, I was born in 1936.

    Unfortunately, this latest (2014) innovation apparently isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. For one thing, it wobbles as it’s unwound, and for number two, tubeless won’t be as much fun for small kids, as it won’t fly off the roll as fast when they run with it — not to mention that there’s no tube left to play with when all is said and done.

    Actually, there’s much more that could be said about this fascinating subject, but I gotta go.




    • arekhill1 10:00 am on September 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      So we went from corncobs to tp in 1857 and were still ungrateful enough to have a Civil War anyway? Americans are an irascible lot.


    • mistermuse 10:52 am on September 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      That was a little before my time, Ricardo, but I’m guessing that because the 1857 t.p. was produced by Gayetty’s Medicated (with aloe) Paper of New York, it was just one more wedge issue between the North and South. The South had probably used cotton more than corncobs and felt pretty superior about it too, so the new t.p. was no doubt the final straw….speaking of which, why wasn’t straw used instead of corncobs pre-1857? Maybe we just used whatever was handy.


    • M. Talmage Moorehead 1:19 pm on September 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      This is priceless: “regular bath tissue” ! A new euphemism for toilet paper. 🙂 I’m going to run with it!


    • mistermuse 3:24 pm on September 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Way to go!

      I welcome your first-time comment and hope you continue to way-in as you see fit in the future (WARNING: more bad puns ahead if you do so).


    • Don Frankel 7:26 am on September 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I’ve been off the grid for awhile as my trusty little laptop that has been asked to go way beyond the call of duty these last three years crapped out. But it is good to know that people in this country are trying, striving and innovating, as always. I guess “Waste not want not.” applies here.


    • mistermuse 9:44 am on September 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Welcome back, Don – I was wondering why you hadn’t been heard from for a while. Judging by the t.p. photo, Kimberly Clark was looking for you too. I wonder what happened to her left eye – there’s something about it that’s not right.


  • mistermuse 6:15 am on February 13, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: E pluribus unum, , , , t. p., toilet paper   


    Staying on course, we turn now from Latin Lover Don to Latin Student John. In as much as Latin is an ancient language, it seems only fitting to go with an ancient poem — a poem I scriboed (that’s as close as I can come to Latin for “scribbled”) back when poetry was written on paper (you remember paper, don’t you, fellow writers and historians?). You might want to keep that in mind, otherwise the poem’s last three or four lines — not to mention the post’s and poem’s titles — make no sense….which they make very little of anyway.


    Spes mea in gregis
    Means “My hope’s in the group.”
    Ignarus est bliss
    Means “I’m out of the loop.”

    Dominus vobiscum
    Means “God be with your soul.”
    Momentus momentum
    Means “You’re on a roll.”

    E pluribus unum
    Means “One out of many.”
    Discipulus egeo craniums
    Means “Some students haven’t any.”

    Est Latine in nobis
    Means “Latin is stately.”
    Latrine est absentis papyrus
    Means “This poem is now t.p.”

    Ire debeo.
    I gotta go.

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