CONSPIRACY WEARY

Do you have a favorite conspiracy theory? Not to be morbid, but my theory is that we have all been set up for elimination. The proof of my theory is that every one of the billions of human beings born before 1900* is dead (with apologies to a possible unknown straggler or two still hanging in there)….and there’s no reason to believe that anyone born post-1900 (who hasn’t yet perished) will be able to avoid this deplorable fate in due course. Let’s face it — the god(s) on high created a helluva mystery down here, and we’re the fall guys.

Of course, there are many who believe there is no death, professing that the body will be resurrected with the soul in a next life — even  cremated bodies, whose ashes have been scattered to the four winds and seven seas, will go to that great watering hole in the sky for another round. I would drink to that theory, but given the untold millions who have suffered agony in this go-round, who could drink enough to forget that the hereafter operates under the same management as the present? Raising the bar won’t bury the past.

Now, unlike most conspiracy theorists, I do not hold my theory to be the god-honest truth. It could be wrong. Maybe the gods have a heart; maybe we will live forever. Michel de Montaigne wrote, “Socrates thought, and so do I, that the wisest theory about the gods is no theory at all.” A rather unconsoling thought, perhaps, but one, at least, that’s not dead in the water. In any case, there’s no use losing any sleep over it.

*If you doubt that billions of human beings were born and died before 1900, click here:
https://www.strangerdimensions.com/2014/07/07/many-people-have-ever-lived-died/

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Conspiracy, n. An agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime or accomplish a legal purpose through illegal action. –Webster’s New College Dictionary

Last week at my house, a contractor friend was doing a few odd jobs, at the conclusion of which his helper and I were making small talk. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, when out of the blue, he asked me what I thought about “Jade Helm 15.” I, of course, being a man of no small knowledge of many things, promptly responded, “Huh?”

To make a long explanation short, it turns out that there’s a certitude among certain conspiracy believers on the far right that an upcoming U.S. military warfare training exercise is prelude to a federal takeover of the state of Texas. Moreover, this will be a pretext for Obama to declare martial law, provide the authority to cancel next year’s election, and serve a third term as President. At least, that’s how Billy Jim Bob (or whatever the helper’s name was) ‘splained it. Evidently he weren’t a 100% bona fide true believer, however, as he didn’t take me up on my offer of a $100 bet that it ain’t gonna happen.

Anyway, I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised by Jade Helm 15, because conspiracy theories are nothing new. It seems like they have been around since the beginning of creation, which may itself have been a conspiracy theory. Just in my lifetime, there have been such examples as the claim in the 1940s & 50s that fluoridation of drinking water was a communist conspiracy, up to recent claims that Obama is trying to bankrupt, corrupt, disrupt, erupt or inter-rupt America.

Now, far be it from me to deny that some conspiracy theories actually prove true. How do you separate the wheat from the laugh? And who has time to look into this stuff, even if you wanted to? Luckily, my good friend and fearless investigative reporter, Ricardo Cahill, has excessive amounts of time on his hands and the sources and resources to do the job. All you need do is go to his blog, where you will find any number of fearless revelations, many of which expose boobs (of the mentally-suspect or political  type, of course).

To close, I have conspired with myself to put forth the following: