WHERE’S THE REMOTE?

The only thing in America that promises the people more than the politicians is commercials. –Evan Esar

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Like many men, when a commercial comes on while watching TV, I reach for the remote and change channels faster than you can say Jack Robinsonitzskivich (I used to do it faster than you can say Jack Robinson, but my reflexes ain’t what they used to be). For some reason, this male prerogative gives my wife a foreboding fit faster than you can say “#*@#!” — which, loosely translated, is what she did say the last time we watched TV together. And, as if that’s not enough, more often than not, there are commercials on the channel(s) I change to, and by the time I find a channel without a commercial, it’s time to go back to what we were watching in the first place. So you see, what she puts up with is nothing compared to my gripe.

Frankly, I think showing commercials at the same time on different channels is a vast conspiracy, and there oughta be a law agin it. I don’t have the remotest idea what my wife finds so compelling about commercials anyway–most of them these days are dumber than a Trump tweet. At least, back in TV’s good old days, commercials had some meat to them:

And now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to join my forgiving wife to watch our favorite program–you know, the quiz show where the answer is in the form of a question.

“Honey, where’s the remote?”

20/20 BEHINDSIGHT

When the world ends, I want to be in Cincinnati because it’s always 20 years behind the times. –Mark Twain

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Today being the 20th day of the month, and me being a Cincinnatian of long standing (and other less upright positions), what better time than now and what better person than your humble scribe to put history in context with 20/20 hindsight, and delve into stuff you need to know. Why? You don’t want to go out as an ignoramus when the world comes to an end (20 years sooner for you than me), do you?

Starting with the basics, are you aware of the etymology of  the word TWENTY? It’s from ye olde English twënig (literally “two tens”). I hope you agree that lacking this knowledge makes it evident that your imagination was in need of intellectual stimulation. For example, now you should be able to see how much more memorable Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address could have been had it begun: Four twënigs and seven years ago….

Speaking of “two tens,” by counting the letters of the alphabet on the digits of your two meat hooks twice, you will find (unless you’re missing a finger) that the twënigth letter is T, which may come in handy in situations where you wouldn’t want to take off your stinky shoes and socks (not that counting on your toes is anything to be ashamed of).

Moving on as I sit on my behind, there was once a quiz show on radio and TV titled TWENTY QUESTIONS, based on an old-timey traditional game called TWËNIG QUESTIONS. While I am not quite ancient enough to give eyewitness to the latter, I was around in the 1950s when the former appeared weekly (or weakly, if you had bad reception) on the DuMont Television Network. If you are too dilatory to have been around at that time, here’s a DuMontstration of what you missed:

I could go on, but my vast research team and I don’t want to feed you more knowledge than you can digest at one sitting. Tune in again May 25, when (if I feel like it) I shall once again attempt to enlighten you with more of same. Remember, you heard it here last, because we are committed, and you can be too.

 

I DON’T SEE A BUICK

I don’t see a Buick.
I don’t see a Ford.
I don’t see a Focus.
I don’t see Accord.

I don’t see much Insight.
I do see much Intrigue.
I don’t see Luv of neighbor.
I do see Avengers in league.

I see mental Midgets.
I see Mirages of peace.
I see Liberty Limited.
I see Rogues without cease.

I don’t see Escape
From Fury, Fits and conFusion,
Much less the ad Ventures
Of car wars on teleVision.

Where is the Oasis, the
Defender of Variant Vues….
& above all, where the Diablo
Are the Amigos of muse?