NO JOKE – IT’S INTERNATIONAL JOKE DAY

July 1 is International Joke Day, one of those days when I get to pilfer humor from others rather than strain my brain for something original. Hence, if you find any of the following jokes offensive to your ethnicity, they’re not my jokes, so don’t shoot the messenger. Yes, I’m posting them, but the devil made me do it (just so you know who to blame). Thus pre-absolved, off we go around the world:

What do you name a retarded Chinese baby?
Sum Ting Wong.

What’s the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?
There’s one less drunk at the wake. (Or, as I would’ve said, one less Irish stewed.)

A French chef, Monsieur H. Cuisine, tired of being a glorified cook, decided to retire and raise rabbits to sell to Paris’s finer restaurants. After searching all over the city for a place to raise his rabbits, an old priest at the cathedral agreed to rent him a small plot behind the rectory. The venture proved so successful that one restaurant owner asked where he got such tasty rabbits. Monsieur H. Cuisine smiled and replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. Actually, I have a….hutch back of Notre Dame.”

If you want to eat well in England, eat three breakfasts daily. –W. Somerset Maugham

A New Zealander, hoping to immigrate to Australia (which was largely a British penal colony until the 1850s), was questioned by a customs officer upon arrival: “What is your business in Australia?”
“I wish to immigrate.”
Customs officer: “Do you have a conviction record?”
Confused, the New Zealander answered, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

Why do Italian men have mustaches?
They want to look like their mama.

It’s almost impossible to do inventory in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

My next door neighbor is loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

January 19th was Martin Luther King Jr. Day in America….or, as it’s known in the south, Monday.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. –W.C. Fields

 

 

THERE’S SOMETHING FUNNY GOING ON HERE

….at least, we think so:

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

July 1st is International Joke Day, brought to you by the maker of human beings everywhere — for most of you, that would be God, so let us begin with a prayer by Robert Frost:

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Speaking of seeking forgiveness, I stole almost every joke in this post, so forgive me too, Lord. If jokes were meant to be kept to oneself, I’m pretty sure You wouldn’t have invented sex.

What do Christmas trees and Catholic priests have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

PMS is just a term for ovary-acting.

How do you make Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.

Did you know dwarfs and midgets have very little in common?

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

If Adam came back to earth, the only thing he’d recognize would be the jokes.