MARRIAGE TO A-MUSE

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? –Groucho Marx

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My wife and I celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary yesterday. You may think that, unlike the 50th, a 48th wedding anniversary is no big deal — and I wouldn’t disagree. But, being in need of an idea for this post, I wasn’t about to look a gift source in the mouth; thus, yesterday’s anniversary became my inspiration to write about….divorce.

Ha ha — just kidding (my wife might kill me if I were serious). This post will, of course, be about MARRIAGE….a fate which, as fates go, beats being killed (almost) any day. Ha ha ha. Just kidding again! Lest there be any doubt concerning my true feelings about marriage:

Yes, just as in the song, ask the local gentry, and they will say it’s elementary. But why stop with the local gentry? I believe my readers are nothing if not broad minded:

Marriage is the most licentious of human institutions — that is the secret of its popularity. –George Bernard Shaw

Getting married, like getting hanged, is a great deal less dreadful than it has been made out. –H. L. Mencken

It’s no disgrace for a woman to make a mistake in marrying — every woman does it. –Ed Howe

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. –Michel de Montaigne

Marriage is like paying an endless visit in your worst clothes. –J. B. Priestley

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. –Prince Philip

Marriage is a feminine plot to add to a man’s responsibilities and subtract from his rights. –Evan Esar

Before marriage, a man declares he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his paper to talk to you. –Helen Rowland

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. –Honore de Balzac

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. –Rodney Dangerfield

Ha ha ha ha….I mean, Yes, dear — I’m listening. Seriously.

 

HOME IS WHERE THE OLD FART IS

No doubt you’ve heard this old familiar saying:

Home is where the heart is. -Pliny the Elder

As much as I loved to travel (50 U.S. states & 9 foreign countries) in my pre-Elder days, home, even then, was where the heart is; it was always good to return home and get back to work (well, at least, to return home). Although those days are now beyond return, being a senior homebody has its own pleasures….not the least of which is having time to reflect on what the hell the world is all about. Of course, I am far from the first to think along these lines:

I should like to spend the whole of my life traveling, if I could borrow another life to spend at home. -William Hazlitt

A man’s home is his castle. -Sir Edward Coke

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. -Rodney Dangerfield 

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. -Henny Youngman

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. -Charles Spurgeon (perhaps referring to political attack ads)

The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff. -Britney Spears

Never go on trips with anyone you do not love. -Ernest Hemingway

Home is heaven for beginners. -Charles Henry Parkhurst

There’s no place like home plate. -mistermuse, batting for Yogi Berra

There’s no place like home. -Judy Garland:

WINE, WOMEN, AND SONY

What do alcoholfemales and electronics have in common, you ask? I thank you for asking, as that just happens to be what I was about to write about (while I’m sober).

The answer to that question, if you must know, is that all three facets of it have the inherent property of being able to confuse me if indulged in excessively. Correction — with the last two of the troika, even the least interaction has the potential, at their whim and discretion, to turn me into a quivering paroxysm of bumfuzzlement (a word which, for those ingrates who don’t make it their business to follow me faithfully, you will find defined in my previous post).

Now, you take my wife — please! Ha ha ha (I bet that Rodney Dangerfield, if he were still alive, would wish he’d thought of that one). I love my wife as much as any man, which might impress you more if I were bisexual….but the point is that my wife is a woman, which doesn’t always work to my advantage. For instance, if I (perish the thought)  or any man should take his beloved for granted when he wants food or sex on demand, she may get the mistaken impression that he’s an insensitive boor who thinks only of himself. But enough about her.

Now take electronics — specifically, computers. Like females (which computers probably are), they seem to have minds of their own, can immediately and irretrievably dismiss my most brilliant postulations if I touch the wrong button, and they have no conception of, or sympathy for, the unfairness of it all. Furthermore, certain computer alternations seem to live in different time zones.

For example, suppose I were writing a post about Friday the 13th which, being a logical man, I might wish to publish on Friday the 13th. So here it is, just before midnight on Thursday the 12th, and the time at the bottom of my computer screen nears 11:59 PM. So I wait until midnight — even one minute after, to be safe —  and click “Publish,” but is my post dated the 13th? Of course not — in that alternation, it’s 11:01 PM –still June 12, and my post bears that date instead of June 13.

Now, if computers were like high-rises which often skip from the 12th to the 14th floor without committing building code violations (or collapsing), I might be able to overlook such high-handed treatment. But my computer is no taller than a breadbox, and in any case, I doubt that it’s superstitious. Obviously, this leaves me with but one choice.

I give up.

 

 

WOULD THAT IT WERE SO

I found that there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.  –Rodney Dangerfield

God Himself could not sink this ship.  –Deckhand on the Titanic

I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.  –Charles Darwin, preamble to THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES

Moral systems are devised not to make life difficult, not to forbid pleasure, but to protect human beings from other human beings.  –Rev. Andrew Greeley

I tell you, cocaine isn’t habit forming. I know, because I’ve been taking it for years.  –Tallulah Bankhead

Live and learn.  –Old proverb

I think we agree, the past is over.  –George W. Bush (to John McCain)

I often think how much easier the world would have been to manage if Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini had been to Oxford.  —Lord Halifax

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.  –Josef Stalin

Once you’ve seen one ghetto, you’ve seen them all.  –Spiro Agnew, former Governor and Vice President

It’s so bad being homeless in winter. They should buy a plane ticket and go somewhere hot like the Caribbean where they can eat free fish all day.  –Lady Victoria Harvey

We shall never make war except for peace.  —President William McKinley

I thank you for your very kind attention from the bottom of my post.  –mistermuse

 

 

 

 

 

WITH RESPECT TO RODNEY

Rodney “I get no respect” Dangerfield died on this day (Oct. 5) in 2004. Now that’s a comedian I can relate to, the more the years pile on me. As the English novelist and playwright J. B. Priestley once said, “There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age — I missed it coming and going.”

Well, better “late” than never, Rodney. I respect you, and I can think of no better way to show it than with these Dangerfield dandies:

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt. In every room he leaves a pyramid.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice — I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I had so many pimples as a kid, one day I fell asleep at the library and when I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I close with this (click the following): Rodney’s classic stand-up comedy routines.