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  • mistermuse 12:01 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Brigham Young, , , , , men, , polygamy, , , , Solomon, , ,   

    HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY 

    The third Saturday in April, which happens to be today, is HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be), I have but one wife to appreciate me. Not that I’m greedy, you understand, but I can’t help wondering what it would be like having many wives appreciate me — like in such open-minded countries as Afghanistan, where polygamy is a common practice. Speaking of practice, practice may make perfect, but prudence dictates that such things should be checked out before one plunges into it.

    Luckily, one has only to turn to Googlepedia to find pertinent reports. For example, a well-educated Imam of Islam, Mohammed Bello Abubakar, was quoted in The Christian Science Monitor and the BBC as saying, “I married 86 women and there is peace in the house — if there is peace, how can this be wrong? A man with ten wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them.” By the time of his death on January 28 at 92 (years, not wives), he actually had not 86, not 92, but 120 wives, and had fathered 203 children. And I thought I was busy.

    But Bello Abubakar was a piker at polygamy compared to that wisest of Old Testament wife hoarders, King Solomon, who is said to have had up to 1,000 wives….not to mention 300 concubines on the side. Apparently, it helps to get religion if one hopes to honey-up and handle hives of wives. Bee that as it may, the problem is that one can’t grab unto just any religion in order to have one’s fill of mates. For example, I was raised Catholic, which is not the most reasonable religion in the world when it comes to conjugal largesse. On top of that — though I am now free of such doctrinaire prohibition — the secular powers-that-be in America maintain equally unenlightened views in marital matters. So you can see what we poor, monogamous men are up against in so-called liberal democracies.

    Of course, we could resort to bigamy, but at what cost? It’s a sad state of affairs when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But never let it be said that I’m not a broad-minded guy — thus, I call on the following sexpert testimony, which unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) includes no female witnesses:

    Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wilde

    The best argument against bigamy is that it leaves a man no place to hang his clothes. –Evan Esar

    Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. –Bob Hope

    Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to bachelors; why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery. –Evan Esar

    Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.–Ambrose Bierce (The Devil’s Dictionary)

    Brigham Young originated mass production [in America], but Henry Ford was the one who improved on it. –Will Rogers

    Polygamy: an endeavor to get more out of life than there is in it. –Elbert Hubbard

    Every man should have four wives: a Persian, with whom he can converse; a woman from Khorasan, for the housework; a Hindu woman to raise the children; and one from Transoxiana, whom he can beat as a warning to the others. –Mirza Aziz Koka

    That last quote seems a bit over the top, I must admit. How could the average person be expected to know where the hell Khorasan and Transoxiana are?

     

     
    • linnetmoss 7:13 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?” Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!” Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 9:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I remember that joke, but I’m not sure if Groucho was the first to say it. No matter — no one ever said it better!

        P.S. For the benefit of those not up on their Marx (Brothers), Groucho said it in ANIMAL CRACKERS (1930).

        Liked by 2 people

    • Carmen 10:20 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I’ve never heard any women saying they’d like to have multiple husbands. . Hmmm. . . Wonder why? 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 10:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Carmen, I can only speak for myself: when a wife has me for a husband, she thinks….

        Liked by 1 person

        • Carmen 11:14 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          I’m laughing.

          But since it’s Hubby Appreciation day, I will save my deprecatory comments. 🙂
          (and don’t tell me, you think that song is about you)

          Liked by 2 people

        • mistermuse 11:36 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          Carmen, I trust that you are giving your hubby the appreciation he is due today! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        • Carmen 11:44 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          Always! (in fact, he really is quite spoiled – just ask our daughters!)

          Liked by 2 people

    • arekhill1 10:42 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Transoxiana was easy for Google to find, Sr. Muse, and it turns out to be modern Uzbekistan, approximately. Apparently its natives have always preferred to live in a nearly unpronounceable land.

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 11:33 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I clicked “Like” but I meant “Don’t like.”

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 6:24 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      This brings up images of monogamy and or memories of Mr & Mrs Bundy but then there is nothing to suggest that Cahn and Van Heusen were talking about only one marriage. Just that you need love.

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 7:39 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Don, as it happens, one of the books I bought at that library book sale several months ago was Sammy Cahn’s autobiography titled I SHOULD CARE….and one of the chapters is titled LOVE AND MARRIAGE. I haven’t gotten around to reading the book yet, but I can tell you that he was married more than once (but not at the same time, because that would’ve been bigamy — or rather, biga-him).

        Liked by 2 people

    • Carmen 7:09 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I thought you made this up. Just took a ‘stroll’ through Noseybook and indeed, it’s true! (I mean, it HAS to be if it’s on FB!)

      I should know better than to doubt you, mister muse. . .

      Liked by 2 people

    • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC 12:14 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      SO sorry I missed Husband Appreciation Day, but since I am no longer so encumbered, I hope I may be forgiven. I hope you enjoyed your day.
      xx,
      mgh
      (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
      ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
      “It takes a village to educate a world!”

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:23 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks, Madelyn. I got a big kick out of Husband Appreciation Day because my wife waited on me hand and foot (a hand grabbing unto my ear and a foot launched at my rear end). It’s good to know she still loves me after all these years.

      Liked by 2 people

    • D. Wallace Peach 5:14 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Ha ha ha. Great post. I love the Wilde and Esar quotes. I hope Koka was a bachelor.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lavinia Ross 7:42 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Have you seen the 2009 Woody Allen movie “Whatever Works”? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • heidi ruckriegel 12:26 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      That whole thing of one guy having 100 wives always seemed a bit selfish to me. Wouldn’t there be 99 guys who have to stay single?

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 7:40 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Possibly….but 50 of them might WANT to stay single (just kidding — I’d make a quip of almost every single reply if I could!). 🙂

        Like

    • equipsblog 1:24 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink | Reply

      If you want peace, don’t have a little piece on the side.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 5:57 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink | Reply

        I like Oscar Wilde’s quote (first quote in the post), which would seem to solve the problem. 😉

        Like

  • mistermuse 2:04 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Eiffel Tower, , Mormons, , phone solicitors, polygamy, telephone solicitors, unwanted phone calls   

    REMEMBER, PUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE – PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE 

    Like most people I know, I use an answering machine (or whatever they call such devices nowadays) to screen unwanted phone calls — which, curmudgeon that I am, means practically every phone call I receive. I know solicitors and in-laws have to live too, but why can’t they live on some planet beyond frequency range, or if that’s not convenient, the South Pole, or Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?

    Anyway,  the other day I’m sitting home minding my own business and trying to think of another brilliant idea for a post for this blog, when the phone rings and it’s some dude calling on behalf of the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION. Well, naturally I think the poor guy has a speech impediment, so out of the goodness of my compassionist heart, I pick up the phone with the intention of telling the sicko to take his rifle and shove it up his divide. But, it turns out, I’d heard right in the first place — would you believe there really is a NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION, dedicated to preserving the Constitutional right of every man to own his own wife?

    Now this, of course, is a cause I can believe in, so I held my tongue and became all ears. It seems that the NWA (headquartered in Swap Wife City, UTAH) was founded many Mormons ago by the legendary Bring’emhome Young, who determined that if he could have only one wife after polygamy was banned, by God-Bless-America, that one wife would be his property — lock, stock and barricade. Furthermore, like any righteous property owner, he should be able to sell or trade his hard-earned booty whenever the opportunity to profit arises….and so he started the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION as a my-wife’ll-listen-or-else, non-profit prophet organization, dedicated to the proposition that all men’s propositions to women are created equal. Who could object to that?

    I must admit he had me there, but just as I was about to get out my credit card, pay my first year’s dues  and become an official NWA member — at the special introductory rate of $499 for acting immediately — my wife, who had picked up the other phone, comes up, kicks me in the asset and tells that prophet’s disciple where to go….all this before I could tell her that annual dues were normally $999 and I was about to save $500 off the usual price. Some women are so impulsive when it comes to not saving money — they would pay full price for the Eiffel Tower rather than wait for a sale.

    Fortunately, someone from the NATIONAL WEIFFEL ASSOCIATION called the next day while my wife was out, and I was able to purchase a quarter-interest at half price. I believe he said his name was Franc N. Sence. My wife would myrrh-der me if this wasn’t legit, but not to worry. He spoke with a foreign accent and gave me a Paris address to mail my certified check, so I didn’t even have to divulge my credit card data.

    C’est bien.

     
    • lexborgia 2:41 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Excellent. Just being able to store your wifel in the closet is reason enough to join.

      Like

    • mistermuse 4:58 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Excellent suggestion, but I don’t have a big enough closet (and if I did, she’d probably store ME in it).

      I also have a suggestion: readers of this post & comments should consider clicking on “lexborgia” (above) for another good read.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:15 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      My first reaction was you never played wiffle ball? But this is wiefle or weifle so my error. And of course you had to send it to Paris as the NWA can’t exist in America. Their problem is the only read the first ten amendments and never get to the 13th so I hope you didn’t buy the gold plan. They also have in Paris the NMA which is for mistresses. As you can see the President of France is in this pickle and doesn’t know what to do. Quel dommage.

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:52 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sounds like the President of France could use an NPA (National Pickle Association) to help him control his pickle – the one that got him in a pickle to begin with. Or he could consult Bill Clinton, who may be an amateur in such matters compared to the French President, but he knows a lot better how to keep his popularity up.

      Like

    • carmen 5:03 am on December 18, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      That caused a guffaw – at 6:00 in the morning, mind you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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