Tagged: National Rifle Association Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • mistermuse 2:04 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Eiffel Tower, , Mormons, National Rifle Association, phone solicitors, , telephone solicitors, unwanted phone calls   

    REMEMBER, PUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE – PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE 

    Like most people I know, I use an answering machine (or whatever they call such devices nowadays) to screen unwanted phone calls — which, curmudgeon that I am, means practically every phone call I receive. I know solicitors and in-laws have to live too, but why can’t they live on some planet beyond frequency range, or if that’s not convenient, the South Pole, or Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?

    Anyway,  the other day I’m sitting home minding my own business and trying to think of another brilliant idea for a post for this blog, when the phone rings and it’s some dude calling on behalf of the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION. Well, naturally I think the poor guy has a speech impediment, so out of the goodness of my compassionist heart, I pick up the phone with the intention of telling the sicko to take his rifle and shove it up his divide. But, it turns out, I’d heard right in the first place — would you believe there really is a NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION, dedicated to preserving the Constitutional right of every man to own his own wife?

    Now this, of course, is a cause I can believe in, so I held my tongue and became all ears. It seems that the NWA (headquartered in Swap Wife City, UTAH) was founded many Mormons ago by the legendary Bring’emhome Young, who determined that if he could have only one wife after polygamy was banned, by God-Bless-America, that one wife would be his property — lock, stock and barricade. Furthermore, like any righteous property owner, he should be able to sell or trade his hard-earned booty whenever the opportunity to profit arises….and so he started the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION as a my-wife’ll-listen-or-else, non-profit prophet organization, dedicated to the proposition that all men’s propositions to women are created equal. Who could object to that?

    I must admit he had me there, but just as I was about to get out my credit card, pay my first year’s dues  and become an official NWA member — at the special introductory rate of $499 for acting immediately — my wife, who had picked up the other phone, comes up, kicks me in the asset and tells that prophet’s disciple where to go….all this before I could tell her that annual dues were normally $999 and I was about to save $500 off the usual price. Some women are so impulsive when it comes to not saving money — they would pay full price for the Eiffel Tower rather than wait for a sale.

    Fortunately, someone from the NATIONAL WEIFFEL ASSOCIATION called the next day while my wife was out, and I was able to purchase a quarter-interest at half price. I believe he said his name was Franc N. Sence. My wife would myrrh-der me if this wasn’t legit, but not to worry. He spoke with a foreign accent and gave me a Paris address to mail my certified check, so I didn’t even have to divulge my credit card data.

    C’est bien.

     
    • lexborgia 2:41 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Excellent. Just being able to store your wifel in the closet is reason enough to join.

      Like

    • mistermuse 4:58 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Excellent suggestion, but I don’t have a big enough closet (and if I did, she’d probably store ME in it).

      I also have a suggestion: readers of this post & comments should consider clicking on “lexborgia” (above) for another good read.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:15 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      My first reaction was you never played wiffle ball? But this is wiefle or weifle so my error. And of course you had to send it to Paris as the NWA can’t exist in America. Their problem is the only read the first ten amendments and never get to the 13th so I hope you didn’t buy the gold plan. They also have in Paris the NMA which is for mistresses. As you can see the President of France is in this pickle and doesn’t know what to do. Quel dommage.

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    • mistermuse 5:52 pm on January 15, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Sounds like the President of France could use an NPA (National Pickle Association) to help him control his pickle – the one that got him in a pickle to begin with. Or he could consult Bill Clinton, who may be an amateur in such matters compared to the French President, but he knows a lot better how to keep his popularity up.

      Like

    • carmen 5:03 am on December 18, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      That caused a guffaw – at 6:00 in the morning, mind you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 5:20 pm on December 26, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: animal rights, firearms, guns, , National Rifle Association, NRA, our fine feathered friends. Sierra Club, sweepstakes, world Wildlife Fund   

    ANIMAL RIGHTS (TO BEAR ARMS) 

    Several weeks — maybe a bit longer — ago, yours truly received in the mail a National Rifle Association Sweepstakes OFFICIAL ENTRY “for my chance to win one of more than 600 prizes” and “help NRA defend my firearm freedoms.” The random drawing has a Grand Prize of 32 guns of my choice….but, being uncertain as to what I would do with 32 firearms (after all, I have only two hands), I temporarily set aside this am-munificient opportunity until I had time to give it my complete and undivided consideration.

    Well, you know the old saying— “never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow,” so I must confess that, what with one thing or another, the whole thing kind of slipped my mind until I chanced to turn over an accumulation of put-asides on my desk, and there it was again….but this time, with the December 31 entry deadline less than a week away, further procrastination is inadvisable. Like Superman, I owe it to Truth, Justice and The American Way to act fast — if not faster than a speeding bullet, at least faster than an Act of Congress.

    Still, I can’t help but wonder where the NRA got my name as a possible target to aid their cause. I’ve never been a member of their erstwhile organization, never been a hunter….I’ve never even watched “Duck Dynasty.” I admit I owned a BB gun when I was little more than a glint in my father’s steely eyes, but he didn’t let me use it until I was two, and by age four, the thrill was gone. Also, I watched a lot of shoot-’em-ups as a boy, but cowboy movies haven’t really appealed to me all that much since about, say, the early 1950s. In other words, the more I think about it, the more I think someone pulled a fast one on the NRA and sold them a Sierra Club or World Wildlife Fund mailing list.

    Now, I’m all for living things being able to defend themselves by any means at their disposal, so I’d like to suggest to the NRA a much greater potential fount for membership expansion: the non-human inhabitants who  share this planet. Think of all the defenseless four-legged creatures out there, not to mention our fine-feathered friends, who could use the same weapons to protect themselves from your human members as your members use to blast them to kingdom come. It hardly seems a fair contest, wouldn’t you agree? So, NRA, here’s your chance to kill two birds with one shot, so to speak: increase your membership by giving the hunted a sporting chance — open your sweepstakes to all, man and beast (there often seems to be little difference between them anyway).

    Actually, I’ve discovered that the NRA already has some potential customers ready to jump at the chance to join:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9SWjfAnYuU

    Man up and open up, NRA!

     
    • Ricardo 2:40 pm on December 29, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Well if I were you, Sr. Muse, and won the contest, I would save 21 of the guns for salutes and sell the rest at a gun show.

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:31 pm on December 29, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for the suggestion, Ricardo, but your latest SWI post (“You Can Pry”…..etc.) gave me an even better idea – anyone curious to view it, click on “Speak Without Interruption” under “Blogroll” at right and see my comment below your post.

      Like

    • carmen 4:54 am on December 18, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m going through your posts (backwards to forward, so to speak) and have found another positive aspect about you – you’ve never watched Dick Dynasty. What an odious program. And the NRA? Don’t get me started. . .

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 7:18 am on December 18, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Thank you, Carmen. I was going to edit your comment to change “Dick Dynasty” to “Duck Dynasty,” but decided to let the typo stand, on the grounds that the stars of the show are probably dicks anyway (not that I have anything against dicks). 🙂

      Like

      • carmen 7:41 am on December 18, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        As you might have guessed, that was NOT a typo. .. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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