AN INGREDIENT FOUND IN SMELLYFISH

You may recall that my previous post included a video clip titled AMAZING FACTS ABOUT WHALES (the more imaginative original title, WHALE WATCHING FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN COUCH WHILE GUZZLING BEER AND WOLFING DOWN A BOATLOAD OF SEA-SALTED SNACKS, was apparently scuttled for being too much to digest in one sitting).

Now, after much wailing from the peanut gallery and an underwhelming wave of favorable comments about that post, I can say that a whale watcher by any other name would smell as sweat, so (having no shame), how about a post about another amazing sea creature, the SMELLYFISH?

You have no doubt heard that an ingredient discovered in SMELLYFISH (more commonly known as the jellyfish) is the “clinically tested” source of the product shown in this clip (click, then scroll down a bit to view the commercial):

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/jellyfish-memory-supplement-prevagen-hoax-ftc-says-n704886

Now, I don’t know about your pungency, but I can assure you that much the same smell discovered in SMELLYFISH can be found in even greater abundance by nosing around my armpits, feet, or posterior. While I can’t honestly promise that my byproduct will improve your memory permanently, I can pretty much guarantee that you won’t forget it in the near term. So why pay for this unproven product:

http://www.berkeleywellness.com/healthy-mind/memory/article/memory-supplement-worth-forgetting

….when you can buy my unproven product (called B.O. IN A BOTTLE) for a fraction of the price. Just send me a signed blank check (don’t worry about the amount — I’ll fill that in and save you the trouble), and you too can have peace of minus, knowing that what you smell is what you get (when I get around to it).

Act now and I’ll throw in a clothespin at no extra charge, just in case my smell is more than you bargained for. Fits any size nose in a pinch.

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EXER-CISE MATTERS

No, I’m not talking about physical exercise (the kind that my friend and yours, Ricardo Cahill, engages in regularly, reaching for a cold one). I refer to mental exercise, which — as I’m sure my other friend, Dr. Don, will corroborate for a co-robber-rate fee — is just as necessary for brain health as physical exercise is for bodily well-being.

Therefore, as a public service, I turn to an expert on the subject: Bernard Croisile, M.D. Neurology and Ph. D. Neuropsychology, with additional commentary by mistermuse, B.S.E.R. According to Dr. Croisile, our minds consist of five main cognitive functions, all of which need to be challenged and exercised: memory, attention, language, visual-spatial skills and executive function.

Memory – To maintain a good memory, says Dr. C., you need to train for it. One training exercise Dr. C. recommends is to get dressed in the dark, which helps build new associations between different neural connections of the brain.You will find proficiency in this activity particularly useful when needing to slip out of your bedroom undetected by your spouse.

Attention – You can improve your attention by changing your routine. For example, change your route to work, which forces your brain to wake up from habit and pay attention. Or, if caught sneaking fully dressed out of your bedroom, you may have to change your spouse, which accomplishes the same result, but you’ll probably pay a lot more than attention.

Language – Language skills challenge your ability to recognize and understand words and increase fluency. You can exercise this ability by reading challenging works of genius and insight. This, of course, can most conveniently be accomplished by devouring every word of every post written by mistermuse, past, present and future.

Visual-Spatial – Quoting Dr. C., “We live in a colorful, three dimensional world. Analyzing visual information is necessary to be able to act within your environment.” This may seem so obvious as to go without saying. But who am I to question a Ph. D. in Neuropsychology — I am but a lowly B.S.E.R.  Sometimes profundity hides in plain sight — er, in visual-spatiality.

Executive Function – In other words, decision making. Problem solving. Exercise your logic and reasoning skills and calculate the right moves to reach a solution. For instance, think of a chore around the house which requires initiative and planning. Or just ask your wife. “Yes, dear” is still the time-honored executive function which works best in such company.

As that brain Einstein said, “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” As I would say if I were a journalist’s brain in Iraq,  “I imagine I’d better quit while I’m a head.”