THIS IS JEP-R-DO!

As a big fan of JEOPARDY! (or JEP-R-DO!, as I like to call it), it caught my attention a few days ago that July 22 will be Alex Trebeck’s birthday (July 22, 1940). His upcoming birthday got me to thinking about doing a post relating to the program and/or its host, but I was doing little more than piddling around with the idea….until I saw this clip:

My immediate reaction was I had no clue that any member of the Trump clan had the intellectual chops to watch a program which invites seeing if your pool of knowledge is deeper than a piddle. After getting past that shock, I realized that if a Trump can be more than a bump on a log where watching JEOPARDY! is concerned, surely I can count on my followers being more players than naysayers where JEP-R-DO! (my version) is concerned.

Therefore, I have spared no expense to consult the world’s greatest know-it-alls (with the lamentable exception of the President) to put together a list of ten answers guaranteed to challenge even the amazing, incredible, great, terrific, tremendous, yuge reservoir of knowledge collectively held by you, my faithful readers. You will then have thirty seconds to come up with the correct questions. Since your time is limited, it is only fair that I use a matching format, listing the questions from 1 to 10 so all you need do is match the numbered questions in the second list with the lettered answers in the first list. Ready? Go!!!

a. The greatest businessman, politician and showman/spin meister/hoax promoter in American history (famous initials P.T.)
b. Playboy of the Western World
c. Master of the Universe
d. Disaster of the Universe
e. Demander in Chief
f. Liar, liar, rants on fire
g. Pathological Narcissist
h. Super Dupe-r
i. Bully Boy
j. Putin Patsy

1. Who is President Trump?
2. Who is President Trump?
3. Who is President Trump?
4. Who is President Trump?
5. Who is President Trump?
6. Who is President Trump?
7. Who is President Trump?
8. Who is President Trump?
9. Who is President Trump?
10. Who is President Trump?

That wasn’t too hard now, was it?

 

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GEORGE (STILL) ON MY MIND

I wonder how many readers of my previous post realized that its title was an old expression dating back over 300 years. According to grammarphobia.com, BY GEORGE dates from a 1694 translation of a comedy by Platus: “By George, you shan’t be a Sowce the better for what’s in it”….but “George” was used in an expression even earlier, as here (from a 1598 Ben Johnson play): “Well! he knowes what to trust to, for George.” Here is a more recent (1964) example of “By George!” by Rex Harrison in the above-average film MY FAIR LADY, starring Harrison and Audrey Hepburn:

My larger point: the small percentage of people who know old adages and expressions  — at least, that is my impression from watching game shows like JEOPARDY!, where supposed broadly-knowledgeable players almost invariably don’t know a familiar (to me) old saying when the question arises. You may say That’s easy for me to say, an old codger who was probably around before most old sayings started. Very funny. I resemble that remark — and I’m not the only one:

So much for idle rumors. If you’re so smart, let’s see how many of these old sayings you know at your tender age. No cheating. Remember, honesty is the best policy (why give insurance companies a legitimate excuse not to pay — they’ll give you a hard enough time on general principles). But just to keep you on your tokus, I’ll throw in several dishonest — I mean made-up — old aphorisms to see if you can separate the wheat from the shaft:

A fool and his money are soon parted.

A day late and a dollar early.

A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

All work and no play makes Jack an ass.

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Better late than never.

Blood is thicker than tomato soup.

Close but no cigar.

Close only counts in horseshit.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

The rest is yet to come….

….if I do a Part Two.

BOOKS I CAN RECOMMEND WITHOUT READING (PART ONE)

As a long-time customer of a mail-order bookseller, I regularly receive catalogs listing a wide variety of books by category, such as biographies, sports, history, etc.  The most recent catalog includes a category (“Absurdities & the Bizarre”) I hadn’t seen before, the book titles and descriptions of which captured my attention like naked women at a Republican National Convention (or any Convention, for that matter). The prurient, and of course intellectual, attraction of some of these books is so intriguing, I’m sure that the interest of those with no more curiousity than a worm would be piqued, if not aroused. Bookworms are people too, don’t forget.

Now, knowing the discriminating tastes of my readers, I believe they deserve an expert who can narrow down the selection and recommend only the cream of the crap, so I have engaged the services of a world-class literary critic of the highest academic and professional standards — namely, moi. Knowing your time is valuable, I will dispense with moi’s credentials and get right down to the business at hand job:

5 PEOPLE WHO DIED DURING SEX — According to the description, this book offers a wealth of fascinating titbits — er, tidbits — as befits a collection of “Terribly Tasteless Trivia Lists.” A must for would-be Jeopardy! contestants!

HOW TO POO AT THE OFFICE — “Making a misstep when you’ve got to go at the office can land you in some serious doo-doo,” according to this guide to handling potentially awkward situations in the workplace bathroom. Illustrated and paperbound….though I’m not sure that behind-scenes art work on t.p. does much to move book sales.

CRAP AT MY PARENT’S HOUSE — No, this is not a sequel to the office-poo guide, but a celebration of “the weird and unfathomably tacky stuff our folks accumulate, from deer hoof bottle openers to soccer-playing Jesus ceramics.” Personally, I don’t see anything weird and tacky about such stuff, and I’m pretty sure my Camouflage Jesus-loving friend Ricardo doesn’t either.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

SO THEY SAY (PART THREE)

Time once again for another exciting episode of SO THEY SAY, so let’s get back to where Part Two left off, and continue putting the right slant on some questionable old axioms. My readers deserve nothing less, because….well, they just don’t.

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The best things in life are free.
Nevertheless, donations are acccepted for this and all previous and future posts.

She will talk to a wooden Indian.
That’s why I keep a wooden Indian around the house.

You can’t get blood out of a turnip.
Try praying harder.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Try praying harder, but only for small turnips. If they fall hard enough, the big turnips should bleed on their own.

It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
Or, you could pay your electric bill or replace that burned-out bulb.

Six of one, half dozen of another.
The correct Jeopardy! answer is: How many Ricardos and Dons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seeing is believing.
How true. I see much better now, after turning on the candle in the light socket.

She can’t help being ugly, but she could’ve stayed home.
Maybe she had to run out and buy a thesaurus.

There’s no fool like an old fool.
I prefer to think of it as being special.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
But don’t be mean when you say it.