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  • mistermuse 9:40 am on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Hickory dickory dock, , humorous poetry, , , ,   

    THE ART OF BAD POETRY 

    Oscar Wilde quote: “All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.” Maybe so, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.

    A few days ago, in pondering the possibility of posting a post of putrid poetry for BAD POETRY DAY (August 18th), I took the precaution of reviewing a decade (my blog began in 2009) of August posts to make sure I hadn’t previously perpetrated poetic perfidy on unsuspecting readers on this day. Unluckily for you , I found that I’ve never posted a post on Aug. 18, so we’re good to go….make that, I’m good to go. Or bad to go. You have to stay, because if you don’t, you’ll break my poor art — and that wouldn’t be polite.

    Perhaps you think that my calling bad poetry an art
    doesn’t pass the smell test, like calling passing gas a fart.

    Not to put you on the spot, but was that a bad-ass poem, or what?
    Granted, it has a perfect rhyme, but is that such a crime?
    As bad poetry, I still say it’s sublime….speaking of which, I’ll have you know there are actually high-class contests to determine how low a bad poem can get, such as:

    With that behind us, it’s time we get back to sum-more of my cool august poetry:

    CLOCKING OUT

    Hickory, dickory, dock,
    The doc ran up the rock.
    The rock was more slippery
    Than doc’s hickory dickory,
    So down he fell, which cleaned his clock.

    HAIR APPARENT

    A Whig party wig
    Is my saving grace —
    It diverts your gaze
    Away from my face.

    I WILL ONLY STOOP SO LOW

    I don’t do windows,
    I don’t do lawns —
    But when I doo-doo,
    I do do johns.

    And with that, I bid you a fond adieu-doo.

     

     
    • Carmen 10:20 am on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      • she chuckles *

      Of course you know I’ll have to offer my favourite poem (by Sheree Fitch, of Nova Scotia)

      TOES IN MY NOSE

      I stuck my toes in my nose and couldn’t get them out
      It looked a little strange and people began to shout
      “Why would you ever?”
      “My goodness I never!”
      They got in a terrible snit.

      “It’s simple” I said, as they put me to bed –
      “I just wanted to see if they FIT!”

      Liked by 4 people

      • mistermuse 10:45 am on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you for that beautiful bad poem, Carmen. It calls to mind this golden oldie:

        You’re a poet
        though you don’t know it
        but your feet show it —
        they’re Longfellows.

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

        Liked by 2 people

    • equipsblog 11:29 am on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Your last poem is so bad it’s actually good.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 11:46 am on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      To quote the late author and critic D.B. Wyndham Lewis, “There is bad Bad Verse and good Bad Verse.” Hopefully he would have agreed with you that my last poem fits the latter category.

      Like

    • Rivergirl 1:22 pm on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      When it comes to bad… you’re very good.

      Liked by 1 person

    • D. Wallace Peach 1:48 pm on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Chelsea Owens here on WP runs a weekly terrible poetry contest that is a total hoot. Much in line with the rhymes you posted. Lol. If you ever need a laugh in these dark days of Trump, there are plenty of bad poets willing to share their terribleness. 😀 Thanks for the clip about intolerable moo too.

      Liked by 1 person

    • calmkate 7:20 pm on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Only you could pull off bad poetry with such aplomb!

      Liked by 1 person

    • obbverse 7:21 pm on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Always a pleasure to read bad poetry- or so my proof reader tells me. Seriously, it is a pleasure to read. No doubt you’re aware of William McGonagle, the high/low mark of all bad poets He tried so hard to write well, in his so earnest po-faced way. That makes it all the more hilarious.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 9:12 pm on August 18, 2019 Permalink | Reply

        Thanks. McGonagall had this in common with all bad poets: he was clueless that his poetry was bad. Still, I don’t mean that uncharitably — bad poets ‘gotta live too,’ and for all I know, maybe it keeps many of them out of trouble (although we all know a certain very bad tweeter who makes a lot of trouble for others).

        Like

    • America On Coffee 2:36 am on August 22, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      I kind of like bad poetry. Composition charisma is what it has. 💕

      Liked by 1 person

    • magickmermaid 12:04 pm on August 22, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      Hooray for bad poetry! Groaning 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • barkinginthedark 4:17 am on August 26, 2019 Permalink | Reply

      oy!
      oh boy!
      hoy hoy floy floy
      i may just be the hoi polloi
      but i really truly did enjoy.

      continue…

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 12:02 am on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , humorous poetry, , National Poetry Month, , , ,   

    ZEE POET OR ZEE COMIC – WHICH EEZ MORE MORONIC? 

    In my April Fools’ Day post, I noted that April is NATIONAL HUMOR MONTH. As a poet of sorts, wouldn’t it be funny if April also happened to be NATIONAL POETRY MONTH?

    Well, as you might guess,
    it turns out that, yes,
    that is the case….
    and this is the place
    where poetry and funny
    join together as oney
    until death do them party
    or are doomed from the starty
    by comic rigor mortis
    or a poet out of sortis.

    Oui, mon ami — this is going to be a post which joins zee art of zee poet with zee art of zee comic, and if you don’t like zee combinaison, you can lump eet. What’s more, I’ll do more such posts, zee likes of which will have you begging for merci. So if you know what’s not good for you, you’ll take eet and like eet….or take eet and fake eet. I’m not particular. (I’m also not hungry — I think I eet too much.)

    Understand, I’m not one of those poets who doesn’t understand what he has written, but somehow expects zee reader to. Non, mon ami, I understand perfectly what I have written. It’s YOU who I expect hasn’t a clue. Why is that true? I have no clue. And, frankly my dear, I don’t give a fous (pardon my French).

    Unfortunately, I see that my allotted time for this post is almost up, so zee funny poems I was going to publish here must wait until next time, for which I apologize. Thank you for your very kind attention….or, as zee Hoosier Hot Shots more etiquettely and poetically put it:

     
    • Carmen 8:57 am on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      This eez zee best, meeztermuse. 🙂

      Liked by 5 people

      • mistermuse 9:28 am on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Merci!

        P.S. Sorry I can’t think of a way to French fry — I mean Frenchify — YOUR name, Carmen! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 11:29 am on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Tres bien Monsieur Muse. J’aime tellement ca.

      Liked by 3 people

    • arekhill1 3:09 pm on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Zee comic is more moronic, Sr. Muse. Ask any of my critics. but I’m happy to split the month with you.

      Liked by 5 people

      • mistermuse 6:56 pm on April 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        Ricardo, we can both take consolation from knowing that we could never aspire to the moronic heights of zee politician.

        Liked by 2 people

    • RMW 11:58 am on April 15, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Gotta love those Hoosiers… the singer was also one hot shot clarinet player…

      Liked by 4 people

      • mistermuse 1:04 pm on April 15, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        I must admit to loving those Hoosiers too. I can’t think of any other reason why I own dozens of Hoosier Hot Shots 78 rpm records, LPs and CDs. There may appear to be cornball musicians, but they’re actually very talented. Good singing and harmony, too.

        Liked by 1 person

    • chattykerry 3:11 pm on April 18, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Monsieur Muse, votre frivolité m’amuse!

      Liked by 3 people

    • calmkate 6:06 pm on May 24, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      lol made me laugh … great music choice 😉

      Liked by 2 people

    • Ana Daksina 10:29 pm on September 15, 2020 Permalink | Reply

      … does “fous” mean what I think it does? 😌

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 10:50 pm on September 15, 2020 Permalink | Reply

        It means what Clark Gable said in English in GONE WITH THE WIND, though my version admittedly loses something in translation. C’est la vie.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ana Daksina 2:18 pm on September 16, 2020 Permalink

          Oh, just that… You see, in Portugal, where my mother grew up, the slang word for unpleasant things that make sounds like “fous” is “phung” (not sure I have the spelling correctly but the phonetics are spot on)…

          Liked by 1 person

      • Ana Daksina 9:30 pm on September 17, 2020 Permalink | Reply

        Goodness, you should have seen the flap my site just went through over some kind of inappropriate wording (regarding the exact nature of which I am still, after multiple concerned inquiries to the complainers, completely clueless).

        THAT’s awkward. I thought your response was just fine, not to worry 😊

        Like

    • mistermuse 2:31 pm on September 16, 2020 Permalink | Reply

      No problem. I understand that many of my readers aren’t American and may not make the connection with some of my wordplay, so I appreciate your comments.

      Like

  • mistermuse 4:05 pm on February 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Arrivederci Roma, Chamfort, , , humorous poetry, Nice, , , , Rome   

    FRENCH LICKS / ROMAN WRINKLES 

    PARIS IS NOT NICE, & NEITHER IS NICE*

    If we would please in society, we must be prepared to be taught
    many things we know already by people who do not know them.
    –Nicolas Chamfort, French writer

    Beg pardon, Monsieur Chamfort, but since when have the French (even the
    Nice* French) had a reputation for giving a damn about pleasing anyone?

    *Nice (a city in France) is pronounced “NIECE” in French

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    NOSING AROUND THE HILLY ROMAN EMPIRE

    The Eternal City of Seven Hills
    Has more holy grounds than a catacomb.
    But — be it ever so rumpled —
    “There’s no place like Rome.”

    Ah….Roma!

    Arrivederci Roma!

     
    • arekhill1 6:59 pm on February 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Sounds like you’ve been roamin’ around, Sr. Muse.

      Like

    • Michaeline Montezinos 8:43 pm on February 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      If you are in Roma don’t forget to send me a cardoma but leave the stoma on the statue, please.

      Like

    • mistermuse 9:35 pm on February 2, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Been to Paris, but didn’t make it to Rome when I was in Europe, which is too bad because I was Catholic at the time, and it would’ve been nice to stop by the Vatican for a friendly little papal bull session.

      I never heard of cardoma, Michaeline, and I can’t find it online or in my dictionary, but no matter — my long distance travel days are over until I’m summoned to the pearly gates. Maybe they’ll have cardoma there, but until then, I can’t help you.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 7:30 am on February 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      This is why I never leave New York. I’ve never been to Paris but I’ve heard there not nice there. And, from what I understand you can’t even get a slice of Pizza in Rome, so what’s the point?

      Like

      • Mélanie 11:52 am on February 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        @”I’ve never been to Paris but I’ve heard there not nice there.” – I do confirm: Paris, Texas is neither nice or interesting… 😀 btw, I love NYC… 😉

        Like

    • mistermuse 11:30 am on February 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Hey, Don, there’s a Rome in upstate New York which is large enough to have a number of pizza joints, so if you want to be able to say you’ve been to Rome and got pizza, just hop on your dog sled and head northwest….or you could wait for the April thaw and enjoy the Roman Spring with Mrs. Stone (that’s only funny to old movie & Tennessee Williams fans, and probably not even funny to them).

      Like

    • Mélanie 11:50 am on February 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I love Italian, it’s been easy to learn it after Romanian, French and Spanish… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 1:37 pm on February 3, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m glad at least one of my readers was able to understand the Italian tenor Vittorio Grigolo singing “Arrivederci Roma” – but no matter the language, he sounds good, and the youtube video (with its scenes of Rome) looks good. As for the smells: Ah…Roma (or so my poem imagines).

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 12:13 pm on February 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        mistermuse, I chuckled when I read you did ot know what is a “cardoma.” I had to look up “epherma” in the dictionary since I had read that word you wrote. With my vision and the small type in thae dictionary, it took me 10 minutes to find epherma.

        You wrote about not going to Rome when your were Catholic. So I just use the Italian Roma for Rome in my reply. By cardoma I invented a word for a post card. I wanted it to rhyme. Perhaps it was wrong for me to make you wonder about that word.

        Ivana Trump, who we know was Donald’s first wife, said after the divorce, “The best revenge is served cold.” I didn’t think you would take my cardoma so seriously and I hope I didn’t chill you, mistermuse.

        Like

    • mistermuse 2:07 pm on February 8, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m just relieved that “cardoma” isn’t Italian for carcinoma, Michaeline. Beyond that, it’s no skin off my nose – hahaha.

      Like

  • mistermuse 11:49 am on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humorous poetry, ,   

    BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE! 

    I don’t know what the weather’s like where you are, but where I am, there was snow yesterday, today’s wind chill is below zero, and tomorrow morning’s predicted low temperature is minus-five degrees….but do I mind?

    SNOW JOB

    Take this job
    and shovel it!

    NORTHERN EXPOSURE

    Around here, when you say
    “Have a nice day” —
    You won’t seem a fool….
    Believe me, it’s cool.

     
    • arekhill1 12:32 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Spring is here in San Diego. We suffered through a chilly week where the daytime temperatures barely rose above 60, but we’ve left that burst of Arctic air behind us, and today will be in the mid 70’s. Yeah, we just watch the Weather Channel to gloat. Have a nice day.

      Like

      • mistermuse 4:26 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        I knew when I was writing this post, that I was setting myself up for some sub-topical – er, sub-TROPICAL — gloating, but that’s OK. Come spring, I’ll be enjoying mid-70s temps, and….so, still, will you. WAH! Life ain’t fair!

        Like

    • scifihammy 12:42 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Sorry, it’s 30C here today, but it is mid-summer! Spring can’t be too far away? Someone has just posted the first snowdrops 🙂

      Like

      • mistermuse 4:46 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        That’s 86 degrees Fahrenheit, for those who have to look up the conversion of C into F (like me). I hope your power grid has been holding up down there in Cape Town, scifihammy. As I recall, you were having problems.

        Liked by 1 person

        • scifihammy 1:12 am on January 8, 2015 Permalink

          haha Funny you should mention that! We have been promised lots more power cuts this month, while they get the new power station up and running. Can’t wait! 😉

          Like

    • Michaeline Montezinos 1:39 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I noticed that the Artic air has hit the Ohio Valley according to the Weather Channel with snow for your area, mistermuse. Then the Clipper will stop that and again the high winds and below freezing temperatures. Be glad you don’t live in the mitten of lower Michigan. My family near Lake Michigan will experience the lake effect snow bombarment with even lower temps. Detroit will have the usual icy, snowy weather. It will be like living in a freezer. Yet they will go to work and school like we always did while living there. Hang in there, Muse by your gloved fingertips.

      Like

      • mistermuse 4:51 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        Michaeline, it’s hard to type this with glo ves no, btu im’ ha-ing in thar.

        Like

    • ladysighs 3:41 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m at my computer
      At my posting post
      Sitting on a heat pad
      Feeling just like toast 🙂

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:01 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m also sitting on a heat pad – my rear end – but unfortunately, there’s too much pad and not enough heat. I thought about getting an electric chair, but I got cold feet.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:35 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m sitting on my back massage machine that comes complete with a heating pad. I’m staying inside as it’s 7 degrees out there and I don’t care what’s implied, it’s better than getting “pneumonia and died”.

      Stay warm Muse.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:19 pm on January 7, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      You do the same, Don….and, if you’re trying to recall where you may have heard the title of this post:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTNheCEUP_A

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 6:13 am on January 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        I checked the youtube connection and was delighted to hear Margaret Whiting sing the song, Baby It’s Cold Outside. Then I listened to Lady Gaga and Joseph Gordon Levitt sing the song as a duet from her Christmas show on television several years ago. Thank you, mistermuse, for this musical journey down memory lane. 🙂

        Like

    • mistermuse 2:22 pm on January 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      You’re welcome. Among the versions I’ve heard, I’m partial to the Margaret Whiting/Johnny Mercer duo (especially the Mercer half), but I haven’t heard the Gaga/Levitt duet. I’ll have to give it a listen when I have time.

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 8:30 pm on January 9, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        I like Lady Gaga. She may have worn outlandish outfits when she attended award shows in the past. But this was to attract attention. The duet is nice but she and Levitt were also acting out the lyrical part and doing a bit of a dance. So her vocalization is a bit too low at times. She reminds me of onewho is a mezzo alto. However, other parts of her old Christmas show were delightful.When she sang aduet with Tony Bennett, her voice was so pure and sweet Her renditions of clasic songs almost made me cry.

        Like

    • mistermuse 8:41 am on January 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Listened to (& watched) the Gaga/Levitt clip – pretty good, especially for contemporary singers doing an old song. I must admit she’s a talented vocalist.

      Like

      • Michaeline Montezinos 11:41 am on January 10, 2015 Permalink | Reply

        mistermuse, when you have a few moments, I suggest you listen to the videos from her Christmas show. I did see that they were on the “Utube” list. She sang one of her finest vocal renditions on that show. Lady Gaga can compose and sing her own music. Of course, some of the contemporary music appeals to a younger audience with its hip hop beat. I don’t like most rap songs but the hip hop ones are good when I exercise.

        Gaga was close to her grandfather who played in an orchestra most of his life. He encouraged her to use her talent. She seems to enjoy singing his classic and jazzy blue songs. The duet with Tony Bennett is so enjoyable as she can blend in with her range of harmonious tones.

        Obviously I am a fan of Lady Gaga. A Detroit girl who grew up with a long, lovely name. She listened to various kinds of music that I enjoyed, too. The Motown sound; the jazzy blues and soul music; the rock and roll these genres developed into and the beautiful renderings of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra.

        Like

  • mistermuse 12:18 am on January 5, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humorous poetry, Obsession by Calvin Klein, ,   

    GET IT 

    OBSESSION

    buy Calvin Klein;
    sell futures.

    WIT HAS A MESSAGE

    Ah.
    Ha.

     
    • arekhill1 11:49 am on January 5, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Seized by a cryptic mood, Sr. Muse?

      Like

    • mistermuse 1:57 pm on January 5, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      While I’m in the mood, Ricardo, I’ve just posted another crypticism – if this first post didn’t lay an egg, I think the second one will be hard to beat.

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:00 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Cartesian philosophy, , humorous poetry, March 31, philosophical humor, philosophical thinkers, , psychiatrist, ,   

    PHILOSOPHY A LA CARTE 

    I think, therefore I am.  –Rene Descartes

    Monsieur Descartes, famed French philosopher, was born on March 31 and is considered to be the father of modern philosophy. Coincidentally, mistermuse was not born on this day and is considered to be the fodder of modern poetry. It is only fitting, therefore, to celebrate the day with appropriate Cartesian poems:

    DESCARTES EPITAPH (1596-1650)

    I thought,
    therefore
    I was.

    PHILOSOPHICAL SKUNK

    I stink,
    therefore
    I am.

    PHILOSOPHICAL APE MAN

    I Tarzan,
    therefore
    you Jane.

    PHILOSOPHICAL PSYCHIATRIST

    I shrink,
    therefore
    I think.

    PHILOSOPHICAL JAZZ MAN

    I think,
    therefore
    I jam.

    PHILOSOPHICAL ABSENT-MINDED TRAVELER

    I think I am
    there — for
    what, I know not.

    PHILOSOPHICAL SHEEP

    I think like ewe,
    therefore
    I lamb.

    PHILOSOPHICAL MUSE

    I think,
    therefore
    Why am I?

     

     

     
    • Don Frankel 6:26 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      “I am what I am.” or “I yam what I yam.” Popeye the Sailor.

      Muse, every once in a while we all get off classics, in that something is quintessential to our styles and this is one of yours.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:28 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I love Popeye —
      Olive Oyl too —
      I even love spinach.
      I think that will do.

      Like

    • D R (Donnie) Hosie 2:16 pm on November 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Allow me to put forward one – that particularly suggests itself:
      I think, therefore I muse.

      Like

      • mistermuse 3:41 pm on November 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Speaking of which, after taking another look at the PHILOSOPHICAL PSYCHIATRIST poem above, I think maybe I should have reversed the order:

        I shrink,
        therefore
        I think.

        ….which leads me to think I think, therefore I muse too much.
        Or maybe it should be I muse, therefore I think too much.

        Like

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