DOLLARS TO DOUGH-NUTS

Like a full moon, the mere thought of lots of money seems to make some people crazy. No doubt you’ve noticed with lotteries, for example, that the higher the jackpot, the more people play the lottery. I mean (leaving aside the astronomical odds against winning), what could you do with $500+ million that you couldn’t do with $250+ million — except maybe buy a sports team, put your money where your political ideology is (think Koch Brothers),  or build a Trump Tower-like monument to your ego?

So I found it refreshing to read recently about a guy who not only didn’t let dough go to his head, but stood income inequality on its head: Dan Price, a successful Seattle business owner who decided to help the people who helped him grow his business, by lowering his almost $1 million annual salary to $70,000 and increasing the salary of his 120 employees to that same level. According to Bloomberg Business data, America’s CEO-to-worker pay has increased 1,000% (to a ratio of 300+ to 1) since 1950. Price believed he could make the ratio 1-to-1 without raising prices or decreasing services to customers, and Price was right. Employee morale grew even stronger and business thrived. As a result of this heresy, he was named 2014 Entrepreneur of the year by Entrepreneur Magazine. I suspect it’s not a magazine run by conservatives.

As entrepreneur of this blog, I will now attempt to improve your morale by turning the remainder of this post over to the musings of others on the matter of money and affiliated subjects:

Where I was brought up, we never talked about money because there was never enough to furnish a topic of conversation. –Mark Twain

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop. –Bo Derek

The chief ingredient that makes expensive merchandise so expensive is profit. –Evan Esar

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. –Henny Youngman

The only thing wealth does for some people is to make them worry about losing it. —Antoine Rivarol

Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men. –Sydney J. Harris

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. —H.L.  Mencken

The definition of a living wage depends upon whether you are getting it or giving it. –Evan Esar

I spent a lot of money on booze, broads and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. –George Best

The leaders of the French Revolution excited the poor against the rich; this made the rich poor, but it never made the poor rich. –Fisher Ames

There are two classes of people: the have-nots and the have-yachts. –Evan Esar

Greed is not a money issue. It’s a heart issue. –Andy Stanley

 

 

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WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE

Do you know what day it is today? Of course you do — April 5 is GO FOR BROKE DAY. “Going for broke,” I suppose, could be spun several ways, but as the subject of this post, it’s a day for the (w)ages. I’m putting my hard-earned money on gambling, and I’m betting that you”ll treasure these quotes on the subject. If not, they come with a funny-back guarantee, so what have you got to lose?

There is an easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. -Jack Yelton

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. -Mitch Hedberg

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -Unknown

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -Steven Wright

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind. -Steve Allen

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five. -Henny Youngman

I don’t gamble, because winning $100 doesn’t give me great pleasure. But losing $100 pisses me off. -Alex Trebeck

Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse. -Richard Sasuly

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. -Will Rogers

Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. -Gloria Steinem

Money can be lost in more ways than won. -Evan Esar

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar, I would have stayed. -Mark Twain

Of course, no discourse on gambling would be complete without this:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ATHEISTS?

ATHEIST HAS REPEAT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

Never.
Again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Although not an atheist myself, I believe they exist, and I’m not above quoting them….and what better day to do so than April Fool’s Day, a day of dubious origin and God-awful jokes? So, without further a-Dieu, I bring you the word(s) of Godless mortals:

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world. -Georges Duhamel

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called Religion. -Robert M. Pirsig

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up — they have no holidays. -Henny Youngman

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God? -George Deacon

Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?
Missionary: No, not if you didn’t know.
Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?
-Annie Dillard

I admire anyone who’s genuinely trying to achieve spiritual enlightenment and live a peaceful life. But religious dogma is a barrier to that. The last thing a dogmatist wants is for anyone to be enlightened, any more than a pharmaceutical company wants anyone cured. -Pat Condell

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. –Peter O’Toole

Christianity, as many religions, was just dreamed up by a couple people with really good imaginations, a lot of time on their hands, and even some “herbal” help. I mean, who would dream up half of that crap without being totally baked? -Jillian A. Spencer

Puritanism, n. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -Ambrose Bierce

There ain’t no answer. There ain’t going to be any answer. There never has been an answer. That’s the answer. -Gertrude Stein (when asked about God)

Oh, well. We’ll always have Paris.

 

 

 

HOME IS WHERE THE OLD FART IS

No doubt you’ve heard this old familiar saying:

Home is where the heart is. -Pliny the Elder

As much as I loved to travel (50 U.S. states & 9 foreign countries) in my pre-Elder days, home, even then, was where the heart is; it was always good to return home and get back to work (well, at least, to return home). Although those days are now beyond return, being a senior homebody has its own pleasures….not the least of which is having time to reflect on what the hell the world is all about. Of course, I am far from the first to think along these lines:

I should like to spend the whole of my life traveling, if I could borrow another life to spend at home. -William Hazlitt

A man’s home is his castle. -Sir Edward Coke

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home. -Rodney Dangerfield 

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. -Henny Youngman

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. -Charles Spurgeon (perhaps referring to political attack ads)

The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff. -Britney Spears

Never go on trips with anyone you do not love. -Ernest Hemingway

Home is heaven for beginners. -Charles Henry Parkhurst

There’s no place like home plate. -mistermuse, batting for Yogi Berra

There’s no place like home. -Judy Garland:

ON (THE) MONEY, TO COIN A PHRASE

I rob banks because that’s where the money is.  –Willie Sutton

The history of money is a fascinating subject, if you can afford the time to check into it. According to my Ye Olde Encyclopedia, early people had no system of money, probably because they had to spend all their waking hours hunting, eating, painting caves and avoiding being stepped on by dinosaurs and woolly mammoths. These pre-historic people, known as the Earlyites, used either the barter system of trading, or the no-holds-bartered system of robbing and killing, to get what they wanted. Some things never change.

Speaking of change, the first coins were made in the 600’s B.C. in Lydia, the Tatooed Lady — I mean in Lydia, the extinct country, in what is now western Turkey. In America, the Massachusetts Bay Colony was the first to make coins; an English court allowed them to do so in 1652 before permission was withdrawn shortly thereafter. But Massachusetts continued to issue coins for 30 more years by dating all coins 1652 regardless of when made. Apparently England couldn’t make heads or tails out of why Massachusetts never ran short of 1652 coins, so they made the best of it by increasing the Colony’s taxes. Needless to say, this did not suit the Tea Party, so they threw the British into Boston Harbor, declared independence and took control of Congress before you can say New England, which on a clear day you can see from Alaska if the sun doesn’t get in your eyes.

But enough about what I have to say, money-wise. Let us see what others have had to say about money:

The only problems money can solve are money problems.  –Kin Hubbard

Lack of money is the root of all evil.  –Mark Twain or George Bernard Shaw (you pays your money and you takes your choice)

If a fool and his money are soon parted, why are there so many rich fools?  –Evan Esar

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.  –Robin Williams

If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to look at those to whom he gives it.  –Maurice Baring

There is an easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.  –Jack Yelton

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.  –Buzzie Bavasi

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.  –Henny Youngman

Women prefer men who have something tender about them — especially the legal kind.  –Kay Ingram

I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.  –Joe Louis

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.  –George Carlin

That money talks/I’ll not deny/I heard it once/It said, “Goodbye.”  –Richard Armour