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  • mistermuse 12:00 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , epitaphs, , , , , , ,   

    SET IN STONE 

    I think, therefore I am. –René Descartes

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    You will (hopefully) recall that my last post, STONE COLD DEAD, featured some of my favorite epitaphs published 4 years ago on SWI (a blog due to bite the dust in November). Ah, but the best laid plans….  The SWI editor announced on 9/1 that he would now need to pull the plug first thing on Sept. 6; thus today becomes SWI’s last full day on this earth.

    This sudden passing prompts me to salvage another of my previously published posts from that body of work: a poem which poses a question I believe naturally arises out of STONE COLD DEAD. Unlike that post, it ain’t funny, but perhaps the poem’s saving grace is that what it lacks in humor, it makes up in brevity. It’s the least I can do on Labor Day.

    LUCKY STIFFS

    Are the faithful
    dead better positioned
    to be saved
    than those who
    lived with doubt?
    Even a God
    can’t help being
    what He thinks.

     

     

     
    • painkills2 12:13 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Saved from what? After you’re dead, no one can save you. But if this is about hell, then I don’t want to be saved — that’s where all the fun people go. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 6:44 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Think of this poem as if it were written by an agnostic. Then the question becomes: If there is a God and an afterlife, is He any more morally fit to judge you than you are to judge Him? If there is no afterlife, it’s irrelevant whether or not there is a God, because we will never know either way.

      I might add that the God(s) of religions and myth only muddy the waters of how to think about this whole business of a possible Creator. The word “God” itself seems to me to be an impediment to rational thinking about life and all that it may imply.

      Liked by 2 people

      • painkills2 1:09 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I suppose those who believe in a god also believe that this god is always right and shouldn’t be questioned. As for anyone — supernatural or not — who thinks they have the right to judge me, well, they’re wrong. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • scifihammy 7:12 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Nice one 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 9:26 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      They say it takes one to know one, so you’re a “nice one” too. 🙂

      Like

    • Cynthia Jobin 9:41 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      “God is dead.” —Nietzsche, 1883

      “Nietzsche is dead.” —God, 1900

      Liked by 3 people

    • mistermuse 9:51 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      “We’re all dead.” –Kismet, sooner or later 😦

      Liked by 3 people

    • arekhill1 11:42 am on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Yes, death is the ultimate way of fitting in.

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 1:32 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I’d call it forced integration God’s way….except for Christians, who make Book on to a different afterlife divide: heaven or hell.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:02 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      All things come to an end but nothing really dies on the internet. It just spins somewhere throughout the universe. And, since we’re doing some oldies I can’t help but recall once again my favorite Epitaph on a Tombstone in Tombstone.

      Here Lies Lester Moore
      4 slugs from a .44
      No Les
      No More

      Liked by 1 person

    • carmen 6:18 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I can never think about this topic (death) without this song running through my mind. I heard it for the first time when I was a teenager and it has stuck in my head ever since. Like this post, it’s remarkable for its brevity.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 8:14 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Thanks for the song clip. When it comes to war and brevity, it took William Tecumseh Sherman only three words to tell it like it is: “War is hell.”

        Like

    • BroadBlogs 7:28 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t know why God would punish our authenticity. Job is an interesting book to read on this topic.

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 9:01 pm on September 5, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Well, this subject would take an entire post to address in depth, including (for starters) whether or not one accepts the story of Job as having a basis in reality. For atheists and agnostics, it’s a non-starter to begin with, because if you disbelieve or doubt that God exists, Job is meaningless. Personally, as a deist who believes in a Creator but not the so-called “revealed God” of most religions, it is not my job to take Job seriously (pun intended).

      Like

      • Carmen 5:18 am on September 6, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Besides which, if you do read about poor old Job – and take the ‘lesson’ seriously-, you end up wondering why anyone would think Yahweh had any redeeming qualities.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Superduque777 7:49 am on September 8, 2016 Permalink | Reply


      CARPET DIEM

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 10:09 am on September 8, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You would never guess from that photo what the girl is actually saying to the pope: “Ubi possum potiri petasi similis isti?” (“Where can I get a hat like that?”)

      Liked by 1 person

    • carmen 10:12 am on September 8, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      . . .and he’s probably saying, “Go now and spin no more”. . 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:39 am on September 8, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      No doubt Jim Beam had something to say about it too, but it looks like the pope is keeping it close to his vest-ments.

      Liked by 2 people

  • mistermuse 12:00 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , epitaphs, gravestones, , , , , ,   

    STONE COLD DEAD 

    Alas! He is cold, he cannot answer me. –Mary Shelley, author of FRANKENSTEIN

    Because I could not stop for Death — He kindly stopped for me. –Emily Dickinson

    • * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *    grave stone 2Have you given any thought to what you want on your tombstone after you’ve gone to that great big pizzeria in the sky? I wouldn’t wait until the last minute if I were you, because ye know not the day or the hour (Matthew 24:36, or thereabouts), and once ye’re at the pearly gates, it’s too late. Now, it’s possible, before getting the gate, that your spirit may remain a while in the grave to consider what far-out gems of wit you might have come up with — but dream on. Afterthoughts aren’t written in stone….and if you don’t write your own epitaph, others may use the occasion to pick a bone “After you’ve gone.”

    All of which brings me to SWI and its impending death. SWI, the blog for which I wrote many posts up to a few years ago, will bite the dust in November, according to its editor. Two of those remaining posts (published in early 2012) deal with real epitaphs not deserving of being left to vanish forever into the cold November ether or….wherever. Here are some of my favorites:

    Here lies the body
    Of poor Aunt Charlotte.
    Born a virgin, died a harlot.
    For 16 years
    She kept her virginity
    A damn long time
    For this vicinity.
    –DEATH VALLEY, CALIFORNIA

    Here lies Butch,
    We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger,
    But slow on the draw.

    Beneath this smooth stone
    by the bone of his bone
    sleeps Master John Gill;
    By lies when alive
    this attorney did thrive,
    And now that he’s dead he lies still.

    Here lies Anna Mann
    Who lived an old maid
    But died an old Mann.

    MARGARET DANIELS
    She always said
    Her feet were killing her
    But nobody believed her.

    SIR JOHN STRANGE
    Here lies an honest lawyer
    That is Strange.

    This is the grave of Mike O’Day
    Who died maintaining his right of way.
    His right was clear, his will was strong
    But he’s just as dead as if he’d been wrong.

    Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
    Now she’s at rest and so am I.

    JOHN BROWN, DENTIST
    Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
    John Brown is filling his last cavity.

    Here lies the body of W. W.
    Who never more will trouble you, trouble you.

    Here lies the body of Mary Ford
    Whose soul, we trust, is with the Lord;
    But if for hell, she’s exchanged this life,
    ‘Tis better than being John Ford’s wife.

    Owen Moore
    Has passed away
    Owin’ more
    Than he could pay.

    I’ll close with one I wish one and all could say in the end:

    Been Here
    and Gone There.
    Had a good time.

     

     

     
    • scifihammy 3:18 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      haha Fun! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • carmen 6:05 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Those are hilarious, mister muse.

      Speaking of such things, I must tell you about this. I’ve just returned from Australia, where I visited my family there. (Been there. Now here. Had a good Time) Son-in-law is a huge footie fan (as most people are) and he and the guy next door are both Richmond Tigers fans. Well, the team isn’t doing that well this year and often start out their games with high scores and then lose in the end. Just before I left, there was a Saturday night game on. Son-in-law and neighbour trade various texts during the game, and it starts off great! They’re in a big lead and both men are pumped! Of course, the inevitable happens and the Tigers lose the game. Neighbour texts son-in-law – “I’m getting some of those team members to handle my coffin when I die. That way, I figure they can let me down one last time!” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Michaeline Montezinos 7:50 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I do not know where I will be laid to rest. Getting buried where is a guess. I may go up in flames and a wooden urn be filled with my remains.
        I liked your epitaphs and I hope those buried there go no where mistermuse. It is a Jewish custom to wait one year before placing the grave marker. This helps the deceased settle down and I suppose know he/she is dead. Strange, isn’t it?

        Liked by 1 person

        • mistermuse 9:32 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink

          Well said, Michaeline.
          I didn’t know about that Jewish custom, but it certainly sounds like a compassionate thing to do to let the deceased settle down in his/her grave before advertising to the world that you’re dead. Also, if the deceased changes his mind about what should be on his grave marker, that gives him time to communicate his thoughts to his surviving family.

          Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 9:13 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Great story, Carmen….also educational, as I thought footies were pajamas worn by babies, which would mean that your son-in-law gets a big kick out of baby wear. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but still, a bit strange. So I was glad to learn that a footie fan can also mean a football fan, though I daresay your son-in-law would suffer far fewer let-downs if he switched his allegiance to baby pajamas. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • carmen 9:17 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink

          You make me laugh out loud, mister muse!! 🙂 To clarify things even further, everyone there refers to it as ‘the’ footie. . . Australians are bemused by all the gear people use to play football here in North America; they’re tough, mate!

          Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 9:49 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t think I’ll bother composing a cry for attention from beyond the grave, Sr. Muse–I’ve been ignored enough while I’ve been alive. What do you think about contributing to Bob’s follow-up publication? I’m thinking I’ll see how it develops first.

      Like

      • mistermuse 11:55 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        I definitely won’t be contributing posts to Bob’s follow-up pub, Ricardo, but will comment (assuming you and Don continue to post).

        Like

    • Cynthia Jobin 10:09 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Those are clever and funny, Mistermuse. I have always liked Robert Frost’s epitaph, a line from one of his poems: “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.”

      In an “awareness” week about matters and thoughts around death, a survey was carried out by the Marie Curie Cancer Care center, of famous epitaphs. The Top 10 Favorites were:

      1. Spike Milligan: “I told you I was ill”

      2. Oscar Wilde: “Either those curtains go or I do”

      3. Frank Sinatra: “The best is yet to come”

      4. Mel Blanc: “That’s all, folks!”

      5. Frank Carson: “What a way to lose weight”

      6. Winston Churchill: “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter”

      7. John Belushi: “I may be gone but Rock and Roll lives on”

      8. Bette Davis: “She did it the hard way”

      9. Humphrey Bogart: “I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis”

      10. Peter Ustinov: “Please keep off the grass”

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 11:51 am on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Thanks, Cynthia, for passing along those “Top 10 Favorites.” I actually used one of them (Mel Blanc’s) to put the finishing touches to my original January 2012 post on SWI, but I decided to close out today’s post with the “Been Here and Gone There” epitaph instead. The Spike Milligan one seems like a variation of the Margaret Daniels epitaph and may have been based on hers.

        As for the rest, Churchill’s has long been a favorite (of mine), and Sinatra’s the most optimistic. There’s a few I hadn’t heard before, including Ustinov’s, which I like a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

    • D. Wallace Peach 10:48 pm on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Amazing that those are real! I like the last one best. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • BroadBlogs 11:42 pm on August 30, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks for a laugh!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Garfield Hug 12:44 am on September 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Great epitaphs! Will need you to coin one for me ha ha!

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 11:29 am on September 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Ask and ye shall receive:

        Here lies a great gal who worked for the “Lord;”
        His conduct was shocking and wholly untoward!
        She had much to offer, but seemed at times bored;
        Now she’s forever at peace with the Garfield she adored.

        Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 1:25 pm on September 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      You are most welcome. When you return to work, let’s hope the ‘current” Electrical Lord’s power surge has found a different outlet so that you are no longer the unwilling generator of his abuse!

      Like

    • lexborgia 7:40 am on November 11, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      SIR JOHN STRANGE
      Here lies an honest lawyer
      That is Strange._ my favourite.

      Last one sounds ‘been there done that. Next!’/ came, saw, conquered.

      Liked by 1 person

  • mistermuse 4:55 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , epitaphs, ,   

    A LARK IN THE PARK-ER 

    Today, I’m in the mood to quote that great wit, Dorothy Parker. Actually, I was in the mood to do so yesterday (her birthday), but my computer wasn’t. No big deal —  better great than never, I always never say.

    I’ve quoted Dorothy Parker (Aug. 22, 1893 – June 7, 1967) on several occasions, including in a Speak Without Interruption post of 6/7/12 titled DAYS OF THE ROUND TABLE, which, like yours truly, has somehow managed to survive to this day. I also recall writing a related SWI article on the ALGONQUIN HOTEL/ROUND TABLE (the group which included Dorothy Parker), but I don’t know if it’s survived. I haven’t the heart to search and find it missing.

    Anyway, for those interested, a Google search will reveal much more on the Algonquin, so without further ado, I give you Dorothy Parker:

    Asked to describe her Bucks County farm in two words: “Want it?”

    “That woman speaks eighteen languages and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”

    “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

    “You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.”

    “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

    “How can they tell?” – on hearing that Calvin (“Silent Cal”) Coolidge had died.

    Epitaphs she suggested at various times for her tombstone:

    EXCUSE MY DUST

    THIS IS ON ME

    WHEREVER SHE WENT, INCLUDING HERE, IT WAS AGAINST HER BETTER JUDGMENT

    One of the three made it. Care to guess which?

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    su

     

     

     

     
    • lawrencethorogood 5:02 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I love your work. It would mean the world if you checked out my cartoons and to give your opinion? Thank you so much

      Like

      • mistermuse 7:33 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Lawrence, thanks for the kind words. I’ll be glad to check out your site and comment there tomorrow, though there appears to be at least 50 years difference in our ages, so I may not be an appropriate “critic” for your cartoons.

        “See you” then.

        Like

    • arekhill1 5:12 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I don’t attempt to guess anything which can easily be Googled anymore, Sr. Muse, lest my vast store of native knowledge be questioned. My personal favorite quote from the late, great DP is “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.”

      Like

    • mistermuse 7:38 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I also love that DP quote, Ricardo. As for the epitaph guess, I’ll save all my millions, if not billions, of readers the trouble of looking it up – the answer is EXCUSE MY DUST.

      Like

    • allthoughtswork 8:17 pm on August 23, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Google just told me I guessed right. I’m so awesome.

      Like

    • Don Frankel 5:04 am on August 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I knew I could google it but that would have ruined all the fun. I guessed door number 3 and I was wrong. Are there any parting gifts?

      “Beauty is only skin deep but ugly cuts to the bone.”

      Like

      • mistermuse 6:21 am on August 24, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Don, I gave you that Harry Carey Jr. book in anticipation of your guessing wrong here. I’m so clairvoyant!

        Like

    • Joseph Nebus 11:46 pm on January 29, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I keep feeling like I ought to read Dorothy Parker but somehow I’ve not found my way into any of her works.

      Like

    • mistermuse 7:48 am on January 30, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      For me, she was the undisputed queen of the quick-witted put-down. Example:

      As one who did not appreciate playing the celebrity, she once replied (when asked “Are you Dorothy Parker?”), “Yes, do you mind?”

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:23 am on April 6, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , epitaphs, graves, headstones, humorous epitaphs, ,   

    EPITAPH EPIPHANY 

    Mistermuse
    Did not choose
    His birth, or his conceiver….

    Now he’s dead
    Although he said
    He didn’t choose that either.

    April 6 is PLAN YOUR OWN EPITAPH DAY, hence my premature termination above….plus what follows below. So much work was killed in the great SWI (Speak Without Interruption) meltdown of Sept. 2013 that I can’t remember specific bygone posts unless some kind of connection happens to come up. This April 6 preparatory “memorial” day triggered such a connection: a post of humorous epitaphs. Now, as I mourn anew the memory of the dear departed, I plot a resurrection, and make no bones about it — any resemblance between this and previous tomes is purely intentional:

    Ope’d my eyes, took a peep.
    Didn’t like it, went to sleep.
    It is so soon that I was done for,
    I wonder what I was begun for.
    –Baby’s grave

    I put my wife beneath this stone
    For her repose and for my own.

    Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones
    For her, death held no terrors.
    She was born a maid and died a maid —
    No hits, no runs, no heirs.

    SIR JOHN STRANGE
    Here lies an honest lawyer
    And that is Strange.

    This one’s on me.
    –On headstone of a popular host

    Who lies here?
    I, Johnny Doo.
    Hoo, Johnny, is that you?
    Ay, man, but a’m dead noo
    [noo means “just now”].
    –Glasgow, Scotland, epitaph

    Here lies Margaret, otherwise Meg,
    Who died without issue, save on her leg.
    Strange woman was she, and exceedingly cunning,
    For whilst one leg stood still, the other kept running.

    Remember man, as you walk by,
    As you are now, so once was I.
    As I am now, so shall you be,
    Remember this and follow me.
    –to which someone appended,
    “To follow you, I’ll not consent
    Until I know which way you went.”

    Here lies the father of 29
    He would have had more,
    But he didn’t have time.

    Plan your epitaph today, while you have time!

    That’s all, folks!
    –Epitaph of Mel Blanc, voice of Porky Pig/many other cartoon characters

     

     
    • Don Frankel 8:09 am on April 7, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I’m pretty sure I remember this one. I think I remember my comment too. “Here lies Les Moore 4 slugs from a .44. No Les No More.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:43 am on April 7, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Don, this isn’t Bad Pun Day, but I’ll say it anyway: I’m glad this “triggered” your comment.

      Like

  • mistermuse 12:00 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Cartesian philosophy, epitaphs, , March 31, philosophical humor, philosophical thinkers, , psychiatrist, ,   

    PHILOSOPHY A LA CARTE 

    I think, therefore I am.  –Rene Descartes

    Monsieur Descartes, famed French philosopher, was born on March 31 and is considered to be the father of modern philosophy. Coincidentally, mistermuse was not born on this day and is considered to be the fodder of modern poetry. It is only fitting, therefore, to celebrate the day with appropriate Cartesian poems:

    DESCARTES EPITAPH (1596-1650)

    I thought,
    therefore
    I was.

    PHILOSOPHICAL SKUNK

    I stink,
    therefore
    I am.

    PHILOSOPHICAL APE MAN

    I Tarzan,
    therefore
    you Jane.

    PHILOSOPHICAL PSYCHIATRIST

    I shrink,
    therefore
    I think.

    PHILOSOPHICAL JAZZ MAN

    I think,
    therefore
    I jam.

    PHILOSOPHICAL ABSENT-MINDED TRAVELER

    I think I am
    there — for
    what, I know not.

    PHILOSOPHICAL SHEEP

    I think like ewe,
    therefore
    I lamb.

    PHILOSOPHICAL MUSE

    I think,
    therefore
    Why am I?

     

     

     
    • Don Frankel 6:26 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      “I am what I am.” or “I yam what I yam.” Popeye the Sailor.

      Muse, every once in a while we all get off classics, in that something is quintessential to our styles and this is one of yours.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:28 am on March 31, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I love Popeye —
      Olive Oyl too —
      I even love spinach.
      I think that will do.

      Like

    • D R (Donnie) Hosie 2:16 pm on November 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Allow me to put forward one – that particularly suggests itself:
      I think, therefore I muse.

      Like

      • mistermuse 3:41 pm on November 8, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        Speaking of which, after taking another look at the PHILOSOPHICAL PSYCHIATRIST poem above, I think maybe I should have reversed the order:

        I shrink,
        therefore
        I think.

        ….which leads me to think I think, therefore I muse too much.
        Or maybe it should be I muse, therefore I think too much.

        Like

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