DOGGING IT

In my last post, I noted how politics has gone to the dogs. In this post, I’m thinking about how to retrieve dogs from such uninvited tie-ups and (with WORK LIKE A DOG DAY coming Aug. 5) work toward putting them in respectable company. Given the base point (and I do mean base), you’d think this entails no big feat, but it does give me paws….

Since there are already more blogs about dogs than you can shake a stick at (including a — dare I say — fetching one by a regular follower of this blog), I don’t want to be a copycat. That would be barking up the wrong tree. So, to give you a different kind of doggy post, I’ve been doggedly digging up old dog doggerel, similes and sayings….but I’ll start young:

What are little boys made of? Snakes and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails — that’s what little boys are made of. What are little girls make of? Sugar and spice and everything nice — that’s what little girls are made of. 

It’s a dog eat dog world.
It’s raining cats and dogs.
Time to rest my dogs.
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
Dog days of summer.

Dog and pony show.
Every dog has its day.
Gone to the dogs.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Mean as a junkyard dog.

Sick as a dog.
That dog don’t hunt.
When you lie down with dogs, you’re going to get fleas.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
It’s a two dog night.

So, let’s call it a day with two high-class dog songs:

 

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LET BYGONES BE BYGONES

It’s nice for children to have pets — until the pets start having children. –Evan Esar

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I think if I owned a pet (be it dog, cat, or rock), I would name it BYGONES….if for no other reason than just thinking of that name suggested the idea for a post such as the one you’re reading. But beyond that, there is this: by God, any pet I own deserves a name that is not only as unique as some of the names we give our kids, but reflects my forgiving nature. Thus (for example), if my pet rock would decide to follow a cat up a tree and get stuck, I’d be willing to tell my rock I forgive it for being stuck up….and let Bygones be Bygones.

Now, I’ll admit that “Bygones” may not be the most sexy pet name in the world, but as you might conclude from the opening quote, “sexy” & “pet” aren’t the mix I’d look for if I were looking for my ideal pet (more up my platonic pet alley would be, not a cool cat or hot dog, but an ugly rock). After all, how are we to control the pet population if we keep giving our pets such seductive names as these actual pet names gleaned from Google-eyed research:

BABY CAKES
BIG DADDY
BLOSSOM BUTT
BOO BOO
BUNBUNS

CHUNKY BUNNY
CUDDLE CAKES
CUTIE PATOOTIE
FLUFFER-NUTTER
HONEY PANTS

HOTNESS
HOTTIE
HUGGALUMP
KISSY FACE
LADY KILLER

LOVE MUFFIN
LOVER BOY
LOVER GIRL
McSTEAMY
MISTER CUTIE

MONKEY BUNS
MOOKIE-POOKIE BEAR
NUM NUMS
PARADISE
POP TART

PUSSY CAT
SCHMOOOOKY POOKIE POOO
SEXY MAMA
SNOOGYPUSS
UNCLE UPRIGHT

Come on, admit it — even if you perchance to be the most domesticated of creatures, you might turn into a tiger if you were called any of the above by a sex of the opposite member….not to mention, if called such censored terms of endearment as these:

So, until we meet again, my little winky-dinky petsy-wetsy….

 

 

 

TODAY, MAYOR OF RABBIT HASH; TOMORROW, LEADER OF THE FLEA WORLD

Five days ago, this blog broke the news of a fetching, but pugnacious, new Presidential candidate: Lucy Lou, border collie Mayor of Rabbit Hash, KY.

Three years ago, in a post for another blog, I urged the need for a viable third party in America to break the stranglehold of the two entrenched parties on the electoral process.

Today, we bring it all together by proposing that Lucy Lou head up such a third party in order to enhance her chances of winning the election. But let us not put the cart before the tail — the first thing a third party needs is a catchy name to get the ball cart rolling. Three years ago, I proposed such potential attention-grabbers as The Holier-Than-Thou Party, The Head-Them-Off-At-The-Impasse Party, and The Free Beer Party, but not even the latter went down well with more than a handful of readers — possibly because I didn’t have more than a handful of readers at the time.

In any case, as I reported then, my one or two minutes of exhaustive research found that when a 3rd or 4th party tried to jump start their bid for popular support, most barely got off the ground, even in other countries — despite choosing such serious sobriquets as the following:

THE DEADLY SERIOUS PARTY (Australia)
THE PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY (Australia)
THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY (Canada)
THE FED-UP PARTY (aka THE F U PARTY) (Canada)
PARTITO DELL’AMORE (THE LOVE PARTY) (Italy)

But I am not deterred, because this time we will have man’s best friend as our standard bearer, and I believe that any appellation which reminds the electorate of that fact will serve the purpose. Thus, I propose the following names for consideration, and I invite my by-now-vast legions of readers to vote for their favorite, or even come up with a write-in candidate if none of these suit your fancy:

THE I LOVE LUCY LOU PARTY
THE OPEN BORDER-COLLIE PARTY
THE CANINE REFORM ALLIANCE PARTY (CRAP)
THE RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGS PARTY
THE PARTY POOPER PARTY
THE WHAT GOOD ARE CATS PARTY
THE LET THEM EAT KIBBLES ‘N BITS PARTY
THE HOWLING HAIRY HUSH PUPPIES PARTY
THE TOP DOG PARTY

Finally, getting the campaign off on the right paw requires a campaign song, and it’s hard to imagine a more fitting campaign song for a good ol’ country dog from Kentucky than this:

AT LAST, A CANDIDATE WHO GIVES US PAWS

Over the river and through the woods, not far downstream from where I live, to the Ohio River metropolis of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, we go. As its 315 hutch dwellers know, Rabbit Hash’s administration has been going to the dogs since 1998, when a mutt named Goofy Bourneman was elected mayor. Sadly, His Honor the mayor was euthanized in 2004, which for some reason failed to start a national trend in political justice. Goofy was  succeeded by another dog,  Junior, who died in 2008, following which the current mayor, a border collie named Lucy Lou, was elected. For you skeptics out there, or those who have been asleep for the past 17 years, these events have been well documented:

All of which brings us, litter-ly, to September 5, 2015, because on this day, the Mayor of Rabbit Hash, KY, Lucy Lou, announced that SHE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of these United States(?) of America. What with the faltering campaign of Hillary Clinton threatening to neuter her chances of becoming the first female President, the candidacy of Lucy Lou should be welcome news to all who feel it’s time to elect a real bitch (as opposed to the sons o’ bitches running for the GOP). After all, Lucy Lou ran circles around her 2008 mayoral competitors: nine other dogs, a cat, an opossum, a jackass and a human (presumably the latter two weren’t one and the same), so she’s a proven winner.

Meanwhile, for those whose interests run more along less political lines, I close with this:

DOGMA DAY AFTERNOON

Here it is, the afternoon of August five, and my spirits have taken a dive. In my last post, I let it be known that frequent publication was becoming an over-extended labor of love, and I’d need to pare down my postings to one every five days, starting today.

Little did I realize at the time that August 5 is WORK LIKE A DOG DAY. So much for taking it easy just as I try to ease into a more liberating schedule. The bright spot, however, is that August 5 looks to be a temporary glitch, offset, as fate would have it, by August 10 (LAZY DAY) and August 15 (RELAXATION DAY)….or,  MAKE-UP FOR AUGUST 5 DAY and PHONE-IT-IN DAY, as I call it. That’s a pun, in case you weren’t paying attention.

Meanwhile, if I must work like a dog today, the post that suggests itself is about dogs. Problem is, I haven’t had a dog since I was a boy, and frankly, I don’t have much interest in writing about some other man’s best friend, or even dogs in general. So, if it’s OK with you (and even if it isn’t), I’m going to write instead about a pet peeve of mine which, in its own way, is even more of a dog: dogma.

My dog-eared dictionary defines dogma doubly as a declamation of doctrines deemed true by a religious sect, and/or as an assertion of beliefs or unproven principles proclaimed to be absolute truth. Well, I suppose every dogma must have its day, but unfortunately, no dogma is satisfied with so limited a lifespan. Come to think of it, neither is this post — it needs to live five days, or I’m barking up the wrong tree with my new schedule. It therefore behooves me to call upon some dead wags and wits whose quotes on the subject survive them, and will hopefully survive being posted here:

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. –George Carlin

On the dogmas of religion as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and all others, , and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind. Were I to enter on that arena, I should only add to the number of Bedlamites. –Thomas Jefferson

Dogma does not mean the absence of thought, but the end of thought. –G.K. Chesterton

Until every soul is freely permitted to investigate every book and creed and dogma, the world cannot be free. It is amazing to me that a difference of opinion upon subjects we know nothing with certainty about, should make us hate, persecute and despise each other. –Robert Ingersoll

So the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then, because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe. –Issac Asimov

Look for yourself. This is the concentration camp and crematorium at Auschwitz. This is where people were turned into numbers. Into this pond were flushed the ashes of some four million people. And that was not done by gas. It was done by arrogance, it was done by dogma, it was done by ignorance. When people believe that they have absolute knowledge, this is how they behave. This is what men do when they aspire to the knowledge of gods. –Jacob Bronowski

Believe those who are seeking truth. Doubt those who find it. –Andre Gide

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Enough. That does it until August 10 (LAZY DAY), when, I dare say, the effort that goes into my post will be considerably less dogged. If five days away seems far off, remember this:

Time’s fun when you’re having flies. –Kermit the Frog

 

 

REIGNING CATS & DOGS TODAY

According to a recent article in the Cincinnati Enquirer, “Frank, a cat, lay sick as a dog” and “in critical need of care”at a local boarding kennel a few years ago, while the cat’s owners were out of the country. They could not be reached, so the kennel’s owner rushed Frank to a 24-hour facility “which is like the Mayo Clinic for animals” instead of his regular veterinarian.

The “Mayo Clinic” saved Frank (so-named after Ol’ Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra), but when his owners returned home and went to pick him up, the bill was $2,600+ more than their regular vet would’ve charged. Long story short, owners hired attorney, sued kennel owner. Case finally comes to a hearing January 2015. Verdict: kennel had acted reasonably. Frank’s owners not only lost the case, they lost Frank, who had died in the meantime. They now have a dog.

What am I make to of all this? Another post about old sayings and proverbs, of course….but limited to cats and dogs — though human readers are welcome to tag along too. This being a pet-friendly site, there will be some doggone purrfect quotes but no trick sayings thrown in (as was the case in my Jan. 23 post GEORGE (STILL) ON MY MIND). Today, cats and dogs reign!

The dog may be wonderful prose, but only the cat is poetry. –French proverb

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

Cats were put into the world to disprove the dogma that all things were created to serve man. –Paul Gray

No mater how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. —Abraham Lincoln (who apparently didn’t feel free to say the same of humans)

The cat loves fish, but is loath to wet her feet. –English proverb

The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way. —Mark Twain

You own a dog but you feed a cat. –Jenny de Vries

A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it. –Joseph Epstein

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. –Dereke Bruce

The cat is domestic only as far as suits its ends. –Saki

Speaking of ends….