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  • mistermuse 12:01 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Bob Hope, Brigham Young, , , , , men, , , , , , Solomon, , ,   

    HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY 

    The third Saturday in April, which happens to be today, is HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be), I have but one wife to appreciate me. Not that I’m greedy, you understand, but I can’t help wondering what it would be like having many wives appreciate me — like in such open-minded countries as Afghanistan, where polygamy is a common practice. Speaking of practice, practice may make perfect, but prudence dictates that such things should be checked out before one plunges into it.

    Luckily, one has only to turn to Googlepedia to find pertinent reports. For example, a well-educated Imam of Islam, Mohammed Bello Abubakar, was quoted in The Christian Science Monitor and the BBC as saying, “I married 86 women and there is peace in the house — if there is peace, how can this be wrong? A man with ten wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them.” By the time of his death on January 28 at 92 (years, not wives), he actually had not 86, not 92, but 120 wives, and had fathered 203 children. And I thought I was busy.

    But Bello Abubakar was a piker at polygamy compared to that wisest of Old Testament wife hoarders, King Solomon, who is said to have had up to 1,000 wives….not to mention 300 concubines on the side. Apparently, it helps to get religion if one hopes to honey-up and handle hives of wives. Bee that as it may, the problem is that one can’t grab unto just any religion in order to have one’s fill of mates. For example, I was raised Catholic, which is not the most reasonable religion in the world when it comes to conjugal largesse. On top of that — though I am now free of such doctrinaire prohibition — the secular powers-that-be in America maintain equally unenlightened views in marital matters. So you can see what we poor, monogamous men are up against in so-called liberal democracies.

    Of course, we could resort to bigamy, but at what cost? It’s a sad state of affairs when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But never let it be said that I’m not a broad-minded guy — thus, I call on the following sexpert testimony, which unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) includes no female witnesses:

    Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wilde

    The best argument against bigamy is that it leaves a man no place to hang his clothes. –Evan Esar

    Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. –Bob Hope

    Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to bachelors; why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery. –Evan Esar

    Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.–Ambrose Bierce (The Devil’s Dictionary)

    Brigham Young originated mass production [in America], but Henry Ford was the one who improved on it. –Will Rogers

    Polygamy: an endeavor to get more out of life than there is in it. –Elbert Hubbard

    Every man should have four wives: a Persian, with whom he can converse; a woman from Khorasan, for the housework; a Hindu woman to raise the children; and one from Transoxiana, whom he can beat as a warning to the others. –Mirza Aziz Koka

    That last quote seems a bit over the top, I must admit. How could the average person be expected to know where the hell Khorasan and Transoxiana are?

     

     
    • linnetmoss 7:13 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?” Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!” Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 9:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        I remember that joke, but I’m not sure if Groucho was the first to say it. No matter — no one ever said it better!

        P.S. For the benefit of those not up on their Marx (Brothers), Groucho said it in ANIMAL CRACKERS (1930).

        Liked by 2 people

    • Carmen 10:20 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I’ve never heard any women saying they’d like to have multiple husbands. . Hmmm. . . Wonder why? 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 10:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Carmen, I can only speak for myself: when a wife has me for a husband, she thinks….

        Liked by 1 person

        • Carmen 11:14 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          I’m laughing.

          But since it’s Hubby Appreciation day, I will save my deprecatory comments. 🙂
          (and don’t tell me, you think that song is about you)

          Liked by 2 people

        • mistermuse 11:36 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          Carmen, I trust that you are giving your hubby the appreciation he is due today! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

        • Carmen 11:44 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink

          Always! (in fact, he really is quite spoiled – just ask our daughters!)

          Liked by 2 people

    • arekhill1 10:42 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Transoxiana was easy for Google to find, Sr. Muse, and it turns out to be modern Uzbekistan, approximately. Apparently its natives have always preferred to live in a nearly unpronounceable land.

      Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse 11:33 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I clicked “Like” but I meant “Don’t like.”

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 6:24 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      This brings up images of monogamy and or memories of Mr & Mrs Bundy but then there is nothing to suggest that Cahn and Van Heusen were talking about only one marriage. Just that you need love.

      Liked by 2 people

      • mistermuse 7:39 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Don, as it happens, one of the books I bought at that library book sale several months ago was Sammy Cahn’s autobiography titled I SHOULD CARE….and one of the chapters is titled LOVE AND MARRIAGE. I haven’t gotten around to reading the book yet, but I can tell you that he was married more than once (but not at the same time, because that would’ve been bigamy — or rather, biga-him).

        Liked by 2 people

    • Carmen 7:09 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I thought you made this up. Just took a ‘stroll’ through Noseybook and indeed, it’s true! (I mean, it HAS to be if it’s on FB!)

      I should know better than to doubt you, mister muse. . .

      Liked by 2 people

    • Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC 12:14 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      SO sorry I missed Husband Appreciation Day, but since I am no longer so encumbered, I hope I may be forgiven. I hope you enjoyed your day.
      xx,
      mgh
      (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
      ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
      “It takes a village to educate a world!”

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 10:23 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks, Madelyn. I got a big kick out of Husband Appreciation Day because my wife waited on me hand and foot (a hand grabbing unto my ear and a foot launched at my rear end). It’s good to know she still loves me after all these years.

      Liked by 2 people

    • D. Wallace Peach 5:14 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Ha ha ha. Great post. I love the Wilde and Esar quotes. I hope Koka was a bachelor.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lavinia Ross 7:42 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      Have you seen the 2009 Woody Allen movie “Whatever Works”? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • heidi ruckriegel 12:26 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      That whole thing of one guy having 100 wives always seemed a bit selfish to me. Wouldn’t there be 99 guys who have to stay single?

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 7:40 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink | Reply

        Possibly….but 50 of them might WANT to stay single (just kidding — I’d make a quip of almost every single reply if I could!). 🙂

        Like

    • equipsblog 1:24 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink | Reply

      If you want peace, don’t have a little piece on the side.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mistermuse 5:57 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink | Reply

        I like Oscar Wilde’s quote (first quote in the post), which would seem to solve the problem. 😉

        Like

  • mistermuse 12:01 am on February 22, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Bob Hope, , humility, James M. Barrie, Muhammad Ali, Oscar Levant, Phyllis Diller, , Ted Turner,   

    HUMILITY IS MY GREATEST VIRTUE 

    It really matters that great poems get written, and it doesn’t matter a damn who writes them. –Ezra Pound

    I was going to write a great poem today, but Feb. 22 is BE HUMBLE DAY….so, since “it doesn’t matter a damn who writes them,” I’ll let someone else have the honor. It undoubtedly won’t be as great as the one I would’ve written, but don’t quote me on that — I wouldn’t want anyone to think I don’t take Be Humble Day seriously.

    Nonetheless, my faithful followers, all is not lost. Instead of a great poem, I will post some great HUMBLE DAY quotes for your enjoyment. They may not be my quotes, but think of them the same way as poems — if they’re great, it doesn’t matter a damn who said them. Besides, I’m sure that I would’ve said them if I had thought of them first, so let’s not quibble over technicalities.

    I feel coming on me a strange disease — humility. –Frank Lloyd Wright

    I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. –Bob Hope

    When you’re as great as I am, it’s hard to be humble. –Muhammad Ali

    You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! –Phyllis Diller

    What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. -Oscar Levant

    A modest man is usually admired, if people ever hear of him. –Edgar Watson Howe

    In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet. -Winston Churchill

    Life is a long lesson in humility. – James M. Barrie

    If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect. -Ted Turner

    Without humility there can be no humanity. – John Buchan

     

     
    • arekhill1 12:47 pm on February 22, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      I’m proud to say that I have a great deal to be humble about myself, Sr. Muse

      Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse 1:56 pm on February 22, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Ted Turner must have had the likes of us in mind, Ricardo, when he said he would be perfect if he only had a little humility. It’s humbling to know we have at least one thing he doesn’t have.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 6:04 pm on February 22, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Muse, anyone seeking humility should just try Civil Service for a while.

      Like

    • mistermuse 7:36 pm on February 22, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Don, I’m sure that’s good experience-based advice, but my experience is that those who could use some humility are the least likely to be seeking it. A solution might be to draft narcissists and egotists into Civil Service the way they used to draft young men into military service, but that would severely deplete the ranks of the entertainment and “big shot” industries, among others.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don Frankel 3:28 pm on February 23, 2015 Permalink | Reply

      Muse you’ve got a great point here but I’m sure these people would insist on hearing “Thank you for your service.” about five times a day. It might defeat the purpose. Or as we say in New York purrrpus.

      Like

  • mistermuse 11:11 am on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bank robbers, Bob Hope, , , James Baldwin, , , , , ,   

    MONEY: THE LOOT OF ALL EVIL 

    I rob banks because that’s where the money is. –Willie Sutton (though he denied saying it in his autobiography WHERE THE MONEY WAS)

    • * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    It occured to me, as I was thinking about this, my 253rd post, that few (if any) of my previous 252 posts were about money….in fact, I can recall mentioning money in only one post, in the opening line of a 24-line poem titled A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TOO CHASTE:

    Money may talk,
    Though I can’t hear it —
    It takes a walk
    When I come near it.

    So a mistermusing on the subject seems long overdue….not unlike many of the bills I owe. Just kidding. I don’t not owe nothing to no one — no one that I owe of, anyway.

    Anyway, what I want to say, as is my wont to say when I can think of nothing more to say, is that I hope you enjoy the following quotes. I trust you will find them on the money:

    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. –Bob Hope

    The lack of money is the root of all evil. –Mark Twain

    Money was fun only until you ran out of things to buy. –Gloria Swanson, actress (silent films, Sunset Boulevard, other movies)

    Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did. –James Baldwin

    Money and women are the most sought after and the least understood of any two things we have. –Will Rogers

    Where I was brought up, we never talked about money because there was never enough to furnish a topic of conversation. –Mark Twain

    What this country needs is not more money, but more people who have some of it. –Evan Esar

    I am having an out of money experience. –Anonymous

    We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. –Buzzie Bavasi

    If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. –Anonymous

    Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. –Robin Williams

     

     
    • ladysighs 11:38 am on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      You already know this but will tell you again. I enjoy all of your posts. The money quotes are really great. Even if I have read some of them before, they still are funny.
      But the best part of your blog isn’t the quotes but your lead in to them … or what ever you are presenting. I could have stopped reading before the quotes and enjoyed. 🙂

      Like

      • mistermuse 2:43 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        I think I’ve said this before to faithful follower Don, but I believe in gender equality, so I’ll say it to you as well: If I ever need a press agent, you da man – I mean woman. Bless you, my child.

        Liked by 1 person

    • arekhill1 11:52 am on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      “A nickle ain’t worth a dime anymore”–Yogi Berra

      Like

      • mistermuse 2:51 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

        ….and for those who love the smell of money, here’s another goody I left out: “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor

        Like

    • Don Frankel 4:12 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I give to to Twain here although the Robin Williams quote is pretty good. The one about the $20 I heard used in the movie a Bronx Tale but it might have been around.

      Like

    • mistermuse 5:17 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Here’s another one I left out that I probably should have closed my post with:
      “Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.” -Richard Friedman

      Like

    • Michaeline Montezinos 7:37 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      I enjoyed all of the comments here on mistermuse’s blog. Especially liked the Mark Twain one, the Richard Friedman one and the Bob Hope and Yogi Berra quotes.. All the quotes and the poem you wrote before and were intertaining.

      Like

    • mistermuse 8:36 pm on December 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply

      Your comment has me wagging my tail, Michaeline. It must be true that all good things must come to an end.

      Like

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