THINKING OUTSIDE THE BUCKS

Money is the root of all evil.

Some people–especially the biblically grounded–say the above admonition dates back to the apostle Paul’s first letter to the Kardashians….specifically, Timothy (Kardashian). But said name (“Tim” for short) was changed to “Kim” early on because Tim wasn’t Tiny for long (plus, “Tim” was obviously an inappropriate name for someone of her gender). Or maybe “Kimothy” was misspelled “Timothy” on the birth certificate, and the error went unnoticed until the day they had to furnish proof she wasn’t an illegal alien. Whatever.

But if we can’t believe the bible, what then? For the record, my sources have uncovered this more likely origin for MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, first recorded by The Andrews Sisters and sung on the 1940s Blue (radio) Network (other researchers put their money on the Green Network, but that’s a source of a different color):

I must admit the song isn’t nitpickingly accurate. The correct admonition is The love of money is the root of all evil. This does put a whole different spin on the sin, the point being that you can screw who you will for wealth, and, so long as you don’t love it–so long as you can say, “Up yours!”, your affairs are strictly money business.

And so we come to the point in the proceedings where, having run out of my own pearls of profundity to pad the post, I turn to what others have to say (and sing) on the subject:

Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence. –Max Amsterdam

It’s money. I remember it from when I was single. –Billy Crystal

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money. –Everett Dirksen, former U.S. Senator

It may be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, but it’s easy for him to get on the church board of trustees. –Evan Esar

Women prefer men who have something tender about them — especially the legal kind. –Kay Ingram

A fool and his money are soon elected. –Will Rogers

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. –Robin Williams

And with that, the buck stops here.

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C NOTES

In American slang, C notes are $100 bills. In this, the third in our song series of girl’s names in alphabetical order, C notes are the sound of music recalling the Cins of our past….such as this scintillating folk song sung by Johnny Cash (sharing credit with Cave):

From toe-tapping folk song to glass-slippered fairy tale, Cin is transported 78 rpm, perchance to dance with a smitten Prince Charming imploring her….

When the two sisters returned from the ball, Cinderella asked if they had been well diverted, and if the fine lady had been there. They told her: Yes, but that she hurried away immediately when it struck twelve, and with so much haste that she dropped one of her little glass slippers, the prettiest in the world, which the King’s son had taken up; that he had done nothing but look at her all the time at the ball, and that most certainly he was very much in love with the beautiful person who owned the glass slipper.

And so you see, young ladies, all you need is a fairy tale fairy godmother and you too can meet a Prince of a fella!

 

 

HU/FAMOUS LAST WORDS

I’ve done a post or two in the past on humorous and/or famous epitaphs, but there’s a quote and a song that remind us that famous (and not so famous) last words aren’t always written in stone:

“I’ll show you that it won’t shoot.” –Johnny Ace, R&B singer (died playing with a pistol in 1954)

So this post will pay its respects to the utter-ly unchiseled last words of a sampling of those who have gone before us….and may those who died at the hands of axe murderers and body hackers rest in pieces.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. –Somerset Maugham

This is no way to live. –Groucho Marx

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance. –John Sedgwick (Union general just before being killed by Confederate sharpshooter during U. S. Civil War)

If this is dying, I don’t think much of it. –Lytton Strachey

I knew it! I knew it!  Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room. –Eugene O’Neill (died in a Boston hotel at age 65)

Good. A woman who can fart is not dead. –Louise-Marie-Therese de Saint Maurice (upon passing gas as she lay dying)

Am I dying, or is this my birthday? –Lady Astor (awakening on her deathbed to find her family gathered at her bedside)

Why not? After all, it belongs to him. —Charlie Chaplin (to a priest’s “May the Lord have mercy on your soul” while giving the last rites)

Oh God! Here I go. –Max Baer (former heavyweight boxing champion)

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. –Crowfoot