TOMBSTONE TERRITORY

“Who among us has not, from time to time, thought about his or her own epitaph or, for that matter, the epitaphs of others?” –Tony Randall (1920-2004), comedic actor

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I can think of no more opportune time than the last day of the month to compose a post featuring epitaphs of decomposed ‘somebodies’ (as opposed to ‘nobodies’). Thus, I have undertaken to resurrect famous last words before this day is over — to be followed by a cross section of churchly epitaphs, before ending with….well, we’ll cross that Rubicon when we get there. Meanwhile, let’s get underway with the epitaph* of a famed movie mogul who died, appropriately enough, on the last day of January, 1974:

I THOUGHT I’D NEVER LIVE TO SEE THE DAY (apocryphal*) –Samuel Goldwyn, American film producer, who famously said “I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”
* said, but not confirmed, to be his epitaph
I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK –Spike Milligan, British actor (1918-2002)
I WAS BURIED NEAR THIS DYKE,
THAT MY FRIENDS MAY WEEP AS MUCH AS THEY LIKE –William Blake, English poet (1757-1827)
THAT’S ALL, FOLKS –Mel Blanc, “Man of a thousand voices” (1908-1989)

But that’s not all. After all, I worked religiously to dig up these:

THE GRAVES AROUND FOR MANY A YEAR
WERE DUG BY HIM WHO SLUMBERS HERE,
TILL WORN WITH AGE, HE DROPPED HIS SPADE,
AND IN THE DUST, HIS BONES WERE LAID
–William Darnbrough, church sexton, Yorkshire, England

HERE LIES AT REST, I DO PROTEST, ONE CHEST WITHIN ANOTHER;
THE CHEST OF WOOD WAS VERY GOOD – WHO SAYS SO OF THE OTHER?
–Rev. Mr. Chest, unpopular 17th Century Vicar of Chepstow, England

BUT, BE WE IN THE TOMB, IN HEAVEN ALLIED,
SO KINDER DEATH SHALL GRANT WHAT LIFE DENIED.
–Saint Thomas More, English social philosopher and Renaissance humorist

Let us end with what might be called pre-epitaphs: ‘ghostwritten’ epitaphs of people who aren’t dead yet:

THIS ISN’T FUNNY –Jackie Farber, editor of a humorous book by Tony Randall (see opening quote)
I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE –Shirley MacLaine, actress who once claimed she was the brother of a 35,000 year old spirit named Ramtha in a previous life in Atlantis
SO WHAT IF I’VE GONE TO POT —
I WON RE-ELECTION BY A LOT (NOT) –Donald Trump, loser-President who once claimed he was human
I’M NOT A-MUSED — M. Muse, whose last request is that you Please, Please….