GREAT EXPECTORATIONS

There’s nothing like a mid-January, low-near-zero-degrees day with snow underfoot and icicles overhead, to remind us that spring is just around the corner — if not the nearest corner, then a corner in Arizona or Florida, where Major League baseball will soon begin spring training.

Baseball, as you will recall, is that sport where spitters are both frowned upon and commonplace — frowned upon, as in a long-illegal pitch called the spitter (spitball), and commonplace, in that few are the players who don’t partake in the manly art of spitting:

One would think that in this day and age, with so much attention given to sanitary practices, ballparks would be required to have spittoons placed at various points on the ball field. For example, how about replacing the bases, home plate, and pitching rubber with spittoons sunk into the ground and covered with a grate? Wouldn’t that be great? Same idea in the outfield and coach’s boxes. Hey, if grates work great on storm sewers, they should be able to handle all the spit coming down at baseball fields. As for the dugouts, a few dozen buckets strategically placed within spitting distance of the bench should do the trick, along with maybe a sandbox for those who need a bigger target. All this spitting image improvement at no great expense — what’s not to like?

While we’re at it, why not cover all the bases by replacing some of the uncouth music played at major league parks, like The Chicken Dance, with spit tunes such as this:

Speaking of covering all the bases (and then some), Who better to do so than….

I’m out of here.

 

 

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10 comments on “GREAT EXPECTORATIONS

  1. Carmen says:

    I sure hope you’re within spitting distance of a spring training ground. . . 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse says:

      Carmen, I’m not even within spitting distance of the nearest spittoon — probably because I don’t own one. I could use one of my wife’s fancy bowls for such purpose, but that might make me the spitting image of a dead man. If you happen to have a spittoon to spare, how about mailing it to me C.O.D. (Cuspidor On Delivery), and I’ll pay the postage? 😦

      Like

  2. arekhill1 says:

    Ah, baseball! The only true spitting sport. Football and hockey players can’t spit because of their helmets, roundball players because of the hardwood floors, tennis players because everybody’s watching them, and golfers because nobody is. The sight of a loogie getting hocked into the dirt is truly a sign of imminent spring, as you have noted so ably here, Sr. Muse.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don Frankel says:

    A great one Muse especially now when we need it most. But you got me thinking why do we spit so much? I think it’s some kind of affirmation. Not sure but I played for over forty years and I sure as hell spit a lot.

    And to help out Abbot just a bit guess who or Hu was finally on first?

    Liked by 1 person

    • mistermuse says:

      Neat clip, Don — but if Hu’s on first, I wonder where Ho is. I also wonder Why the white man doesn’t teach more Native Americans How to play baseball? Chief Spitting Bull probably thinks the white man doesn’t want to play ball with them (he apparently never heard of the Cleveland Indians).

      Like

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