HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY
The third Saturday in April, which happens to be today, is HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be), I have but one wife to appreciate me. Not that I’m greedy, you understand, but I can’t help wondering what it would be like having many wives appreciate me — like in such open-minded countries as Afghanistan, where polygamy is a common practice. Speaking of practice, practice may make perfect, but prudence dictates that such things should be checked out before one plunges into it.
Luckily, one has only to turn to Googlepedia to find pertinent reports. For example, a well-educated Imam of Islam, Mohammed Bello Abubakar, was quoted in The Christian Science Monitor and the BBC as saying, “I married 86 women and there is peace in the house — if there is peace, how can this be wrong? A man with ten wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them.” By the time of his death on January 28 at 92 (years, not wives), he actually had not 86, not 92, but 120 wives, and had fathered 203 children. And I thought I was busy.
But Bello Abubakar was a piker at polygamy compared to that wisest of Old Testament wife hoarders, King Solomon, who is said to have had up to 1,000 wives….not to mention 300 concubines on the side. Apparently, it helps to get religion if one hopes to honey-up and handle hives of wives. Bee that as it may, the problem is that one can’t grab unto just any religion in order to have one’s fill of mates. For example, I was raised Catholic, which is not the most reasonable religion in the world when it comes to conjugal largesse. On top of that — though I am now free of such doctrinaire prohibition — the secular powers-that-be in America maintain equally unenlightened views in marital matters. So you can see what we poor, monogamous men are up against in so-called liberal democracies.
Of course, we could resort to bigamy, but at what cost? It’s a sad state of affairs when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But never let it be said that I’m not a broad-minded guy — thus, I call on the following sexpert testimony, which unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) includes no female witnesses:
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wilde
The best argument against bigamy is that it leaves a man no place to hang his clothes. –Evan Esar
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. –Bob Hope
Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to bachelors; why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery. –Evan Esar
Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.–Ambrose Bierce (The Devil’s Dictionary)
Brigham Young originated mass production [in America], but Henry Ford was the one who improved on it. –Will Rogers
Polygamy: an endeavor to get more out of life than there is in it. –Elbert Hubbard
Every man should have four wives: a Persian, with whom he can converse; a woman from Khorasan, for the housework; a Hindu woman to raise the children; and one from Transoxiana, whom he can beat as a warning to the others. –Mirza Aziz Koka
That last quote seems a bit over the top, I must admit. How could the average person be expected to know where the hell Khorasan and Transoxiana are?
linnetmoss 7:13 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?” Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!” Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”
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mistermuse 9:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I remember that joke, but I’m not sure if Groucho was the first to say it. No matter — no one ever said it better!
P.S. For the benefit of those not up on their Marx (Brothers), Groucho said it in ANIMAL CRACKERS (1930).
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Carmen 10:20 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I’ve never heard any women saying they’d like to have multiple husbands. . Hmmm. . . Wonder why? 😉
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mistermuse 10:47 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
Carmen, I can only speak for myself: when a wife has me for a husband, she thinks….
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Carmen 11:14 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink
I’m laughing.
But since it’s Hubby Appreciation day, I will save my deprecatory comments. 🙂
(and don’t tell me, you think that song is about you)
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mistermuse 11:36 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink
Carmen, I trust that you are giving your hubby the appreciation he is due today! 🙂
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Carmen 11:44 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink
Always! (in fact, he really is quite spoiled – just ask our daughters!)
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arekhill1 10:42 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
Transoxiana was easy for Google to find, Sr. Muse, and it turns out to be modern Uzbekistan, approximately. Apparently its natives have always preferred to live in a nearly unpronounceable land.
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mistermuse 11:11 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I wonder if the wives there are still considered good for nothing better than to be beaten? If so, it would seem that the natives still have unspeakable customs in their unpronounceable land.
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Carmen 11:16 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink
Unfortunately, there are those who walk among us. . sigh. .
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4406670/Muslim-women-demonstrate-husbands-beat-them.html
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mistermuse 11:33 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I clicked “Like” but I meant “Don’t like.”
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Carmen 11:36 am on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I know, eh? 😦
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Don Frankel 6:24 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
This brings up images of monogamy and or memories of Mr & Mrs Bundy but then there is nothing to suggest that Cahn and Van Heusen were talking about only one marriage. Just that you need love.
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mistermuse 7:39 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
Don, as it happens, one of the books I bought at that library book sale several months ago was Sammy Cahn’s autobiography titled I SHOULD CARE….and one of the chapters is titled LOVE AND MARRIAGE. I haven’t gotten around to reading the book yet, but I can tell you that he was married more than once (but not at the same time, because that would’ve been bigamy — or rather, biga-him).
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Carmen 7:09 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
I thought you made this up. Just took a ‘stroll’ through Noseybook and indeed, it’s true! (I mean, it HAS to be if it’s on FB!)
I should know better than to doubt you, mister muse. . .
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mistermuse 7:40 pm on April 15, 2017 Permalink |
Carmen, I forgive you this time….but don’t let it happen again! 🙂
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Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC 12:14 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
SO sorry I missed Husband Appreciation Day, but since I am no longer so encumbered, I hope I may be forgiven. I hope you enjoyed your day.
xx,
mgh
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
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mistermuse 10:23 am on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
Thanks, Madelyn. I got a big kick out of Husband Appreciation Day because my wife waited on me hand and foot (a hand grabbing unto my ear and a foot launched at my rear end). It’s good to know she still loves me after all these years.
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D. Wallace Peach 5:14 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
Ha ha ha. Great post. I love the Wilde and Esar quotes. I hope Koka was a bachelor.
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mistermuse 11:36 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
Thanks. I don’t know if he was a bachelor, but I’m pretty sure he was a Kokanut. 😦
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D. Wallace Peach 9:40 am on April 21, 2017 Permalink
Ha ha. You’re so punny.
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Lavinia Ross 7:42 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
Have you seen the 2009 Woody Allen movie “Whatever Works”? 🙂
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mistermuse 11:39 pm on April 20, 2017 Permalink |
I’m a big Woody Allen fan, but I haven’t seen that one. I’ll have to check it out.
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heidi ruckriegel 12:26 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink |
That whole thing of one guy having 100 wives always seemed a bit selfish to me. Wouldn’t there be 99 guys who have to stay single?
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mistermuse 7:40 am on May 24, 2017 Permalink |
Possibly….but 50 of them might WANT to stay single (just kidding — I’d make a quip of almost every single reply if I could!). 🙂
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equipsblog 1:24 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink |
If you want peace, don’t have a little piece on the side.
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mistermuse 5:57 pm on February 22, 2021 Permalink |
I like Oscar Wilde’s quote (first quote in the post), which would seem to solve the problem. 😉
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