HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY

The third Saturday in April, which happens to be today, is HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be), I have but one wife to appreciate me. Not that I’m greedy, you understand, but I can’t help wondering what it would be like having many wives appreciate me — like in such open-minded countries as Afghanistan, where polygamy is a common practice. Speaking of practice, practice may make perfect, but prudence dictates that such things should be checked out before one plunges into it.

Luckily, one has only to turn to Googlepedia to find pertinent reports. For example, a well-educated Imam of Islam, Mohammed Bello Abubakar, was quoted in The Christian Science Monitor and the BBC as saying, “I married 86 women and there is peace in the house — if there is peace, how can this be wrong? A man with ten wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them.” By the time of his death on January 28 at 92 (years, not wives), he actually had not 86, not 92, but 120 wives, and had fathered 203 children. And I thought I was busy.

But Bello Abubakar was a piker at polygamy compared to that wisest of Old Testament wife hoarders, King Solomon, who is said to have had up to 1,000 wives….not to mention 300 concubines on the side. Apparently, it helps to get religion if one hopes to honey-up and handle hives of wives. Bee that as it may, the problem is that one can’t grab unto just any religion in order to have one’s fill of mates. For example, I was raised Catholic, which is not the most reasonable religion in the world when it comes to conjugal largesse. On top of that — though I am now free of such doctrinaire prohibition — the secular powers-that-be in America maintain equally unenlightened views in marital matters. So you can see what we poor, monogamous men are up against in so-called liberal democracies.

Of course, we could resort to bigamy, but at what cost? It’s a sad state of affairs when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But never let it be said that I’m not a broad-minded guy — thus, I call on the following sexpert testimony, which unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) includes no female witnesses:

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. –Oscar Wilde

The best argument against bigamy is that it leaves a man no place to hang his clothes. –Evan Esar

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. –Bob Hope

Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to bachelors; why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery. –Evan Esar

Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.–Ambrose Bierce (The Devil’s Dictionary)

Brigham Young originated mass production [in America], but Henry Ford was the one who improved on it. –Will Rogers

Polygamy: an endeavor to get more out of life than there is in it. –Elbert Hubbard

Every man should have four wives: a Persian, with whom he can converse; a woman from Khorasan, for the housework; a Hindu woman to raise the children; and one from Transoxiana, whom he can beat as a warning to the others. –Mirza Aziz Koka

That last quote seems a bit over the top, I must admit. How could the average person be expected to know where the hell Khorasan and Transoxiana are?

 

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25 comments on “HUSBAND APPRECIATION DAY

  1. linnetmoss says:

    Groucho: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?” Woman: “All of us? But that’s bigamy!” Groucho: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse says:

      I remember that joke, but I’m not sure if Groucho was the first to say it. No matter — no one ever said it better!

      P.S. For the benefit of those not up on their Marx (Brothers), Groucho said it in ANIMAL CRACKERS (1930).

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Carmen says:

    I’ve never heard any women saying they’d like to have multiple husbands. . Hmmm. . . Wonder why? 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. arekhill1 says:

    Transoxiana was easy for Google to find, Sr. Muse, and it turns out to be modern Uzbekistan, approximately. Apparently its natives have always preferred to live in a nearly unpronounceable land.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. mistermuse says:

    I clicked “Like” but I meant “Don’t like.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Don Frankel says:

    This brings up images of monogamy and or memories of Mr & Mrs Bundy but then there is nothing to suggest that Cahn and Van Heusen were talking about only one marriage. Just that you need love.

    Liked by 2 people

    • mistermuse says:

      Don, as it happens, one of the books I bought at that library book sale several months ago was Sammy Cahn’s autobiography titled I SHOULD CARE….and one of the chapters is titled LOVE AND MARRIAGE. I haven’t gotten around to reading the book yet, but I can tell you that he was married more than once (but not at the same time, because that would’ve been bigamy — or rather, biga-him).

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Carmen says:

    I thought you made this up. Just took a ‘stroll’ through Noseybook and indeed, it’s true! (I mean, it HAS to be if it’s on FB!)

    I should know better than to doubt you, mister muse. . .

    Liked by 2 people

  7. SO sorry I missed Husband Appreciation Day, but since I am no longer so encumbered, I hope I may be forgiven. I hope you enjoyed your day.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. mistermuse says:

    Thanks, Madelyn. I got a big kick out of Husband Appreciation Day because my wife waited on me hand and foot (a hand grabbing unto my ear and a foot launched at my rear end). It’s good to know she still loves me after all these years.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Ha ha ha. Great post. I love the Wilde and Esar quotes. I hope Koka was a bachelor.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Lavinia Ross says:

    Have you seen the 2009 Woody Allen movie “Whatever Works”? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. That whole thing of one guy having 100 wives always seemed a bit selfish to me. Wouldn’t there be 99 guys who have to stay single?

    Liked by 1 person

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