TOP TEN BOTTOM FEEDERS

In the time-honored tradition of year-end Top Ten lists, for this year-end post I was considering making a list (and checking it twice) of 2016’s top despots: bottom-of-the-barrel leaders who excel at such admirable attributes as indiscriminate bombing of combatants and innocents alike, massive corruption, repression, and just being all-around model role models. We’re talking strong(man) leaders like North Korea’s Kim Jong-un and Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, or even The Donald’s favorite ruffian, Russian Vladimir Putin.

But I saw there are already a number of such lists on the Internet, naming the same usual suspects….so, knowing of no under-the-radar tyrants to set my compendium apart from existing lists, I realized I’d better take a different tack and come up with something better.

Instead of “Top Ten Bottom Feeders,” how about a BOTTOM TEN TOP FEEDERS list? On second thought, I’m not even sure that makes sense, but in any case, it’s highly ten-uous, and definitely for the birds. Perhaps a TOP TEN FRANZ  Liszt? His Hungarian Rhapsodies were a hit; unfortunately, they’re strictly from Hungary, and did any of his other works make it into the Top 10? I seriously doubt it.

I suppose I could go back to a variation of my original plan with a list of literal TOP TEN BOTTOM FEEDERS, such as catfish and crabs, but who wants to read about meowing fish and grumpy crustaceans? How low can you get?

My fellow Americans, there comes a TIME in every man’s life. The least I can do on the brink of the New Year is save you the trouble of making resolutions you can’t keep, so I yield to my own list-untenability and offer TIME MAGAZINE’s list of “Top 10 Commonly Broken New Year’s Resolutions”:

Lose Weight and Get Fit

Quit Smoking

Learn Something New

Eat Healthier and Diet

Get Out of Debt and Save Money

Spend More Time with Family

Travel to New Places

Be Less Stressed

Volunteer

Drink Less

I’LL DRINK TO THAT!