THE NUNS OF AUGUST

For those who couldn’t get enough (?) of the broad humor in my last post (THE PUNS OF AUGUST), I thought I’d close out the month with more of same (with apologies if you’re put off by nuns being spoofed — broad-ly speaking):

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A roamin’ Catholic.

What do you call a nun with a limp? Hopalong Chastity.

Two nuns are walking through the park. Suddenly they are accosted by two guys who rip off their habits and start raping them. The first nun looks up to heaven and cries, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he is doing.” The second nun turns and moans, “Oh God, mine does!”

Nuns are married to God, so….if they divorce, do they get half the universe?

It’s after dark, so the parish priest accompanies the nun back to the convent. Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, “Well, alright, as long as you don’t get into the habit.”

Why did the nun become a seamstress? Because God told her sew.  

Sew much for nuns puns. Seams to me, what with the school year just beginning in many places, it’s a good time to ask how many of us remember our first day of school? Back in the days before pre-school, when a five year old kid started cold in kindergarten or first grade, going to school for the first time on that first day could be a rather traumatic experience….especially if it was a parochial school and the kid hadn’t yet been exposed to the accoutrements of Catholicism. You might recall it something like this:

NUN OF THE ABOVE

Sister Scholastica,
It’s my first day of school;
I pray mom was right when
She told me nuns aren’t cruel.

You’re covered all in black
From your head to your toes….
What’s to become of me,
I’m afraid God only knows.

Are you even human, or one
Of those “other world” things?
You can’t be an angel,
Because angels have wings.

Still, you must have been sent
From God’s home in the sky —
Mom said you do His will
And don’t even ask why.

So much for August. If you’re wondering whether I plan to carry my every-fifth-day August publishing schedule over into September and beyond, the answer is wait, and “Si.” Caveat: you may, on rare occasions, see an in-betweener…but I plan nun-such in the foreseeable future.

 

 

 

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11 comments on “THE NUNS OF AUGUST

  1. I think I’m going to print this post out and put it in Stella’s homework folder to turn into her catholic school teachers 🙂 At the very least I am going to make sure Stella memorized some of these jokes for some good playground humor.

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  2. arekhill1 says:

    Nuns, priests, indeed the whole American Catholic church is passing into history, Sr. Muse. When we are gone, none will remember the schoolrooms ruled by guilt and violence in which we endured our formative years. They will be as extinct as the dodo.

    I blame global warming, myself.

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  3. mistermuse says:

    You may be right, Ricardo, but never underestimate the staying power of dogmatic fundamentalism – it has always been with us, and my guess is that it always will be. But at least the legion of Catholic dogmatists has the decency not to behead those who disagree with them, so I must admit they have evolved somewhat since the Inquisition.

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  4. michele39 says:

    I made the transition from playing with toys among the kids from kindergarden at age 5 to learning how to read and write in my Catholic school kindergarden. I was very good until I giggled and chattered with 3 other girls while the Nun tried to teach the class a song. The four of us were punished and I never spoke out of turn again. I did not like some of your Nun jokes, Although I now embrace the Jewish faith, I am still respectful of the nuns and priests. I didn’t. have any lay teachers but my girls did. Some were great and some were not . A lot depends on the student of course.

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  5. mistermuse says:

    The first five of the six jokes are from “jokes” sites on the internet – only the seamstress joke and the poem are mine. Nuntheless, I take full respunsibility for them, as a politician might say (and I apologized in advance in my first paragraph).

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  6. Don Frankel says:

    I wanted to make a really smart comment but then I just had nun.

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  7. mistermuse says:

    Same here….so I’ll borrow a pun that michele39 might have appreciated re her Jewish faith:
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

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  8. BroadBlogs says:

    Love these nun puns!

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  9. mistermuse says:

    I didn’t know, until I looked it up today, that “nun” is the 14th letter of the Hebrew alphabet — no wonder michele39 didn’t like some of my nun jokes (no offense intended, michele39!). Anyway, I love them too, but enough is enough, so there will be nun in my next post.

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