Have I got a deal for you! For some time now, I have been storing up brilliant titles as they come to me, because as you writers know, you never know when you might need the perfect title for a novel, story or whatever. You may have written the greatest masterpiece This Side Of Paradise, but if it keeps getting rejected because you gave it a slightly ill-conceived name like ALI BABA AND THE FORTY HORSE THIEVES OF THE APOCALYPSE, you now know the advisability of getting the title exactly right.
Obviously the need is acute, and so was I when I was young. But now that I’m in my dotage, I’ve come to realize that I’m not going to live long enough to use all of these killer titles myself. Not wanting to see them go to hell in a wastebasket, I’ve reluctantly decided to make them available to you, my faithful readers, for the bargain price of $100 each, or two for $499. This special trial offer will not be open to the general public until yesterday, so act now while the selection is commodious and you’re flush with approbation.
ALLAH THINGS CONSIDERED
BEAUTY AND THE DEIST
CLEAR DA SALOON
EAST OF EVEN
GONE WITH THE WENCH
HELL, HELL, THE GANG’S ALL HERE
I SHALL RETURN
IF I THINK OF IT
But wait — this needn’t be the end (loose, book or otherwise). Far be it from me to deprive any desperate title sucker — er, seeker – of my services in their hour of need. Therefore, I am open to putting more awesome titles up for sale provided the demand is there and heed is paid to the terms of Jean Shepherd’s best-selling novel IN GOD WE TRUST, ALL OTHERS PAY CASH.
Would you believe he got that title from me?