DEC. 21 IS HUMBUG DAY – BAH! HUMBUG!

Let misanthrope Ebenezer Scrooge fend off Christmas giving for all he’s worth — for my money, the humbug that refuses to be set aside and saved for another time is old age. This is not to shortchange fate’s other humbugs (such as incurable diseases and pompous politicians) — old age is like a bad penny: once one aproaches one’s November-December years, it won’t stay away, no matter how august one feels.

Having resigned myself to that venerable state of longevity,
I now find myself amenable to stating my stages with levity:

First, you forget names.
Then, you forget faces (& toil to let out feces).
Next, you forget to pull up your zipper.
Last, you forget to pull it down.

At age 4, success is….not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 19, success is…having sex.
At age 40, success is…making a lot of money.
At age 50, success is…making a lot of money.
At age 65. success is…having sex.
At age 78, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 80, success is…having friends.
At age 84, success is…not peeing in your pants.

The trouble with old age is there’s not much future in it.

An old person is someone who is ten years older than you are.

You know you’re getting old if…
…5 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
…you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
…you give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
…you sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
… you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture (unless you’ve always woken up looking like your driver’s license picture).
…you can’t remember how you were going to end this post, so you end it like this.

 

 

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14 comments on “DEC. 21 IS HUMBUG DAY – BAH! HUMBUG!

  1. scifihammy says:

    Very funny post 🙂

    Like

  2. mistermuse says:

    Thanks. May you still think it’s funny when you reach my age!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Humorous post. Loved the poem. I think I may never get that old, mistermuse. No one can guess my age. I stiil have a full head of hair and my face has no wrinkles, Unless I am laughing or frowning. People say I look ten years younger than I actually am.

    This condition helped me win a lot of prizes for my baby girl at local fairs. Recall the “guess your weight or age” guy? After two trips there, he glared at me. probably thinking “I hope she doesn’t come around here again.” I didn’t want him to give me all his silly stuffed animals. Anyway, my girl liked the fake snake the best.

    Like

  4. mistermuse says:

    It certainly is alright, Michaeline — have a good night as well!

    Like

  5. ladysighs says:

    I am reading this on Dec 22 and it is still funny. Love it!

    Like

  6. Don Frankel says:

    When it comes to old age who else to quote but Casey Stengel. “They examined all my organs. Some of them are quite remarkable and some not so good. A lot of museums are bidding for them.”

    Like

  7. mistermuse says:

    Another “old age authority,” George Burns, said when he was 98, “It’s good to be here. At my age, it’s good to be anywhere.”

    Like

  8. arekhill1 says:

    To which I would add my own observation, which is that being the oldest person in any state, nation or the world is that location’s most celebrated temp job.

    Like

  9. mistermuse says:

    They always ask the oldest person anywhere, “To what do you attribute your living so long?” Fortunately(?), I don’t expect to live so long that I need to start worrying how I’d answer that question.

    Like

    • Mistermuse, I will excuse that comment about “not living so long.” Could it be that Humbug Day influenced you to get the blues (and I don’t mean the musical kind.) You better shape up or I will not be happy this Christmas or New Year. Not having to worry about your defeatist attitude would make my day. Cheer up or have a glass of cheer and please put a smile on your wonderful face. Do it for me, okay?

      Like

  10. mistermuse says:

    Far be it from me to cause you to be unhappy for Christmas, Michaeline. I still don’t expect to ever be the oldest person in town, but how about second oldest – that should still put me over 100, and make your day.

    Like

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