REMEMBER, PUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE – PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE

Like most people I know, I use an answering machine (or whatever they call such devices nowadays) to screen unwanted phone calls — which, curmudgeon that I am, means practically every phone call I receive. I know solicitors and in-laws have to live too, but why can’t they live on some planet beyond frequency range, or if that’s not convenient, the South Pole, or Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea?

Anyway,  the other day I’m sitting home minding my own business and trying to think of another brilliant idea for a post for this blog, when the phone rings and it’s some dude calling on behalf of the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION. Well, naturally I think the poor guy has a speech impediment, so out of the goodness of my compassionist heart, I pick up the phone with the intention of telling the sicko to take his rifle and shove it up his divide. But, it turns out, I’d heard right in the first place — would you believe there really is a NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION, dedicated to preserving the Constitutional right of every man to own his own wife?

Now this, of course, is a cause I can believe in, so I held my tongue and became all ears. It seems that the NWA (headquartered in Swap Wife City, UTAH) was founded many Mormons ago by the legendary Bring’emhome Young, who determined that if he could have only one wife after polygamy was banned, by God-Bless-America, that one wife would be his property — lock, stock and barricade. Furthermore, like any righteous property owner, he should be able to sell or trade his hard-earned booty whenever the opportunity to profit arises….and so he started the NATIONAL WIFEL ASSOCIATION as a my-wife’ll-listen-or-else, non-profit prophet organization, dedicated to the proposition that all men’s propositions to women are created equal. Who could object to that?

I must admit he had me there, but just as I was about to get out my credit card, pay my first year’s dues  and become an official NWA member — at the special introductory rate of $499 for acting immediately — my wife, who had picked up the other phone, comes up, kicks me in the asset and tells that prophet’s disciple where to go….all this before I could tell her that annual dues were normally $999 and I was about to save $500 off the usual price. Some women are so impulsive when it comes to not saving money — they would pay full price for the Eiffel Tower rather than wait for a sale.

Fortunately, someone from the NATIONAL WEIFFEL ASSOCIATION called the next day while my wife was out, and I was able to purchase a quarter-interest at half price. I believe he said his name was Franc N. Sence. My wife would myrrh-der me if this wasn’t legit, but not to worry. He spoke with a foreign accent and gave me a Paris address to mail my certified check, so I didn’t even have to divulge my credit card data.

C’est bien.

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5 comments on “REMEMBER, PUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE – PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE

  1. lexborgia says:

    Excellent. Just being able to store your wifel in the closet is reason enough to join.

    Like

  2. mistermuse says:

    Excellent suggestion, but I don’t have a big enough closet (and if I did, she’d probably store ME in it).

    I also have a suggestion: readers of this post & comments should consider clicking on “lexborgia” (above) for another good read.

    Like

  3. Don Frankel says:

    My first reaction was you never played wiffle ball? But this is wiefle or weifle so my error. And of course you had to send it to Paris as the NWA can’t exist in America. Their problem is the only read the first ten amendments and never get to the 13th so I hope you didn’t buy the gold plan. They also have in Paris the NMA which is for mistresses. As you can see the President of France is in this pickle and doesn’t know what to do. Quel dommage.

    Like

  4. mistermuse says:

    Sounds like the President of France could use an NPA (National Pickle Association) to help him control his pickle – the one that got him in a pickle to begin with. Or he could consult Bill Clinton, who may be an amateur in such matters compared to the French President, but he knows a lot better how to keep his popularity up.

    Like

  5. carmen says:

    That caused a guffaw – at 6:00 in the morning, mind you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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