Many an alcoholic would go on the wagon if he could only find one with a bar.  –Evan Esar


The U.S. Chamber of Commerce recently came out with its list of the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2013:

Of these, my favorite is the beer lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Boise, in which five inmates at the Idaho State Correctional Institution sued a number of brewers and wine makers for $1 billion in damages, claiming that alcohol led to their crimes and they weren’t warned that beer and wine can be addictive. In addition to monetary damages, the inmates demanded that Miller Brewing Company, Anheuser-Busch, E. and J. Gallo Winery and the other defendants put warning labels on their products informing consumers that they (presumably the products, not the consumers) are habit forming and addictive.

Naturally, this has stirred up a vat full of righteous reaction from indignant guardians of the sacrosanct, who feel that there is no place in our judicial system for so-called frivilous lawsuits such as this. From where I shit — er, sit — I beg to dishagree…disagree. I shay let ’em sue, and furthermore, bartender, I hereby appoint you judge to make chertain the defendants get a fair trial before you find ’em guilty and shentence them to shupply free beer and wine for life to all lifers, as well as temporary inmates.

Now, I can already hear objections that if you think prisons are overcrowded now, just think of all the law-abiding booze swillers out there who will want to be in there, swilling free beer to their heart’s alcoholic content.  Admittedly, this will result in a major increase in the crime rate with continuous repeat offenders, but prisons will be much less costly to maintain, with few or no guards, and the only bars will be of the non-steel variety….and with self-serve, even bartenders could be dispensed with.

Oops — that last part was a schlip of the tongue. Bartenders are indispenshable. Forget everything I shaid. I already have.